I must admit that after today’s “crying in the car” release, something inside me has shifted and I am feeling better with my sitch and generally, and also looking forward to some time off without my H as he leaves tomorrow for a week. Nothing much has changed from his side but I am not worrying as much as I used to about it. I am rewriting my goals now.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
DavidUK- thank you. It is amazing how you have put yourself together and are looking forward to the future. At the moment, I feel challenging to see that. But I hope that this is just a phase. I was driving earlier today and all of the sudden there was a song on a radio and this immense sadness came like a wave - for my marriage, for my husband.. and I just drove and cried. It lasted about 10 minutes, after that I put myself together and I am feeling much better now. Maybe I just need to let it feel these feelings and allow all these emotions out (without my H seeing them).
This morning I awoke to a radio alarm and Smile by The Supernaturals was playing. It helped. I'm 2 hours from Lon Liv St if you fancy meeting for lunch for some support?
So the journey continues although nothing much has happened this week as my H is away until Sunday. He sent me two emails with the photos to which I politely replied valdating him but I haven't done any pursuing or bothered him in any other way. I also have been busy entertaining as my mother's sister (I don't like calling her my aunt because she is only 10 years older than I am) with her new bf is visiting .. they have been together for 3 months having met online, so it is lovely to see new fresh love blossoming and lovely to see her so happy. Both of them are divorced and in their 40ies which just proves that there is a life and happiness after D.
I am reading this wonderful book about Stoicism Deren Brown 'Happy' and it gives some great advice about how to manage anger and hurt, practice detachement etc... and in one page it has this very simple chart which says what we can control and what not.
So things under our control: Our Thoughts Our Actions
Things not under our control: What people think What people think of us How people behave How well people do their jobs How rude people are Other people's habits Other people's success How well other people listen to us How much our partner behaves as we wish him/her to What our partner fears or finds stressful Everything else
This pretty much sums up MWD book too- that our thoughts and our actions are the only things we can work on.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
My H returned early Sunday morning and I did my act of kindness and picked him up from a station as he requested. I did my best to stay cheerful and happy yesterday, GAL- had a coffee with a friend in the park in the morning, then went out shopping and then in early evening I went to a local church service which is rather relaxed community event. My H was grumpy and tired all day but I didn't take the bait. Before going to the church I prepared the chicken and said that he can put in the oven and I will buy the vegetables on my way back. So I happened to be away a bit longer than I initially planned- I stayed over for a chat after with other members and was home 2 hours later. He didn't greet me at all instead said angrily that he hasnt eaten whole day and was looking forward to the chicken, and I just went off and disappeared, left him to make the chicken by himself. It sounded that I am dealing with a five year old!! I just felt so wronged that he could make such a fuss out of F***ing chicken, excuse my language. It made me feel that my only job is to serve him, cook for him and if I put a foot wrong I get this form of passive agressive emotional abuse. After we had supper- which he admitted was actually alright he left to watch Tv and I dd the washing up. Then I was reduced to tears... so I had a quiet cry on my own while doing the dishes. Then I went to take my dog for a walk where I rationalised that his moods are nothing to do with me but him. It is easy to say- not to focus on him but he is infront of my eyes every single day, I wake up with him, I go to sleep with him (where he shows me a cold shoulder to my friendly- goodnight). Yes and he complained that there are no porridge oats this morning! I have no idea why I am being treated like that but I am starting to realise that I am having enough of it.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
A funny event happened yesterday when I came home from my office in a good mood after a very successful meeting. My H asked: What's wrong, why are you so happy all the time? Then we both realised the ridiculousness of these words and started to laugh. It seems that because our M is off the tracks, there is no reason for me to be happy in my H eyes. Well I can't control his moods but I am certainly to start to feel in charge of my own emotions and finding my own reasons to be happy elsewhere- whether it is the work, or good weather, or a conversation with a friend. True character building... also I have realised it helps me to grow up and I am starting to overcome some real issues from the past. My mother's sister who hasn't seen since the wedding, told me that as well when she visited last week.
Now I have decided to put more focus on starting my own business while continuing to work, and I have also enrolled to a further professional development course and want to play the piano more so I am looking for a private tutor now. That's my GAL. And it helps to reframe and refocus my mind.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
A funny event happened yesterday when I came home from my office in a good mood after a very successful meeting. My H asked: What's wrong, why are you so happy all the time? Then we both realised the ridiculousness of these words and started to laugh. It seems that because our M is off the tracks, there is no reason for me to be happy in my H eyes. Well I can't control his moods but I am certainly to start to feel in charge of my own emotions and finding my own reasons to be happy elsewhere- whether it is the work, or good weather, or a conversation with a friend. True character building... also I have realised it helps me to grow up and I am starting to overcome some real issues from the past. My mother's sister who hasn't seen since the wedding, told me that as well when she visited last week.
Now I have decided to put more focus on starting my own business while continuing to work, and I have also enrolled to a further professional development course and want to play the piano more so I am looking for a private tutor now. That's my GAL. And it helps to reframe and refocus my mind.
Good for you! This reminds me of an incident where my W acknowledged one of my 180s. Prior to BD I had been an unhappy, miserable, curmudgeon.
One day (this is documented more accurately in my threads) we were in the car and she made a funny noise. Prior to BD this would have resulted in my passively-aggressively chiding her for being silly. But this time, my new upbeat attitude (which has become second nature to me!) caused me to laugh...and then mimick the sound. She looked at me in surprise and said "who are you?" I said "What do you mean?" She said: "You used to get so annoyed at my silliness!" I said: "Yeah, I used to be that way, but now I appreciate your silliness for being fun! You are a fun girl and that makes me want to be fun too." Something to that effect. I am going by memory here.
While there was a lot more on that road trip, I honestly believe that was a turning point and went a long way towards her feeling safe to be herself around me after years of walking on eggshells! So keep it up! It takes a rare kind of person not to be influenced by the infectious nature of happiness!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Today is 3 years since I met my H... we met online, he wrote me first, he called me and we arranged a date at a local cafe, I only had 30 minutes times as I was rushing to the work. I remember it was raining, I walked in and immediately found him attractive.. we had a chat , a laugh and the rest is the history. I am feeling a bit sentimental today but trying not to let it take over. We have a dinner party today- some friends are coming over. Nothing much has changed apart from the fact that he hasn't mentioned D and seems to be in a bit better mood. I am being kind, upbeat and not making any demands, and working on GAL and keeping myself busy. Taking it one day at a time.
I remember a few months before the wedding I asked an old lady who has been married for about 40 years- what's her secret of a long and happy marriage? And she replied- patience, lots and lots of patience. I really need to live off her advice right now.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
