Well, it turned out that the girls night was a spend the night deal. NBD to me, and I know how naive this may sound, but I really do believe that she was spending the night with our mutual friend. When she told S and me that before she left last night, I told her to have fun and we'd see her today.
I woke up to a text coming through from her this morning. She sent a link to a family friendly improv acting show, followed with a message that read "we should take S to see this". I know it probably doesn't mean anything, but I found it a little odd that she said "we" should, or really that she even shared it at all. I mean, why wouldn't she just file it away in her list of things to do with S and just exclude me altogether if she wants out so bad? Again, I'm not putting much stock into it, just found it odd.
Last night was pretty great with S. We hung out and had a good time. I have to say, I felt oddly at peace pretty much all day yesterday after doing the 180 I did with her yesterday morning. I've had this strange feeling like I'm being an adult while she's being a child, and she's slowly starting to realize that and wants to start being an adult again. Like she is maybe coming out of the fog a bit. I have absolutely no basis for this feeling, however, but I just can't shake it.
I did have one bout of an anxiety attack last night. S and I were watching a movie, and one character in particular was feeling underappreciated by her husband (Rosita in the movie "Sing" for those who have seen it). It instantly made me think of W, and my past behavior, and I felt guilty and sorry for her all in the same moment. I really wished W was here right then so I could relate those feelings to her and let her know how much of an a** I felt like, and how much I truly get things from her perspective. I know it probably wouldn't have helped me in any way to do so, but it's how I felt.
I still feel mostly at peace this morning, but I can feel a bit of anxiety trying to creep back in. It's not so much fear of what will happen to me if she decides to leave, but more that I'll miss her if she does, and it'll hurt. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will be what it is, and I can't change that.
