I've been trying to "individuate" my sex drive from that of my LDH and have been reflecting on some events of my youth to gain perspective into my natural drive. I think the following anecdote might be useful for others.
When I was 15, I moved into a new neighborhood and became friends with a 16 year old girl who lived two doors down. She was a cute, popular cheerleader type and I wanted to be part of her crowd.
One of her favorite topics of conversation was how nasty the thought of having sex was to her. Penises were grotesque and she didn't want to have anything to do with them. I would sort of just nod in agreement and not share with her the fact that I had spent the last summer trying to seduce the kid who mowed our lawn by answering the door to pay him in my bikini and inviting him in to listen to Ted Nugent albums.
Anne-Marie(real name),my cheerleader friend, was dating a very hot young Robert Redford look alike. He would sit next to me in Latin class and pass me notes asking if I thought Anne-Marie really liked him; what could he do to make her like him?-and I would try hard not to stare at the sexy, tan leg showing between his Dockers and his khakis.
I think this story reveals a few things. Firstly,obviously I was HD for a long time before my current relationship. Secondly, people will mislead others about their sex drive if it serves their current social purposes. Lastly, though there are probably a hundred reasons why a woman might be LD, if you are married to Anne-Marie and your goal is a really "hot" sex life you are going to be disappointed.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Yes, I'm sure you're right. I've been very "driven" for a long time, though for much of that time (the Early Years) had no W to share the drive with. Now that I do, it's frustrating that she is so much less interested in sex than I am. Also, I think attitudes passed down by parents play a role. For instance, maybe Anne-Marie's mother told her "penises are grotesque", just as my W's mother might/must have told her "Don't touch yourself there" or "Don't let anyone see you there"!
Yikes! This would not work. Not an area she would want to talk about or discuss. Surely this is part of our problem, but I really don't know how to surmount it. And even if it WAS the case, what then? She is very protective and defensive and I know what subjects are taboo. What can I say?
I think you are making a lot of assumptions that may or may not be true.
- Does Anne-Marie still find penises grotesque, or has she come to appreciate them?
- Does sexual promiscuity during the teenage years correlate well with healthy sex in adult marriage?
- To what extent does the tendency to visual stimulation mean a better sex drive in women? Are women whose primary stimulation mode is tactile/kinaesthetic less likely to have strong drives?
It's quite possible that Anne-Marie is married to a very satisfied husband today. Does anybody know of research on these topics?
I guess some of the assumptions I made were as follows:
1) Women mature sexually quite a bit earlier than men, by 16 women have been considered to be of marrying age in most human societies.
2) The vast majority of women are subject to visual stimulation but many are in denial. There was a study done where women volunteers were hooked up to electrodes and shown a variety of erotic movies. There was little difference in the level of measurable physical arousal between women who claimed to not be affected by the movies and those who admitted they were.
P.S.
Don't misunderstand my anecdote. I wasn't terribly promiscuous as a teenager, I just wanted to be. I am 5'9'' and I could have easily passed for 21 when I was 14. Also, I had the highest SAT scores in my high school. I rarely got asked out until college when the boys finally caught up. In high school all I got was frequent obscene phone calls.
P.P.S.
I am now wondering why I feel the need to be so defensive when accused of promiscuity. The old double standard sword seems to be hanging over my neck quite oppressively! Maybe you need to ask yourself if you didn't get exactly what you were looking for when you picked yourself out a LD wife.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Don't misunderstand my anecdote. I wasn't terribly promiscuous as a teenager, I just wanted to be.
OK, I had misunderstood. It seemed clear that you wanted to be, and I had assumed too much.
Quote: I am now wondering why I feel the need to be so defensive when accused of promiscuity.
Not meant as an accusation. I apologize if it came across that way.
Quote: The old double standard sword seems to be hanging over my neck quite oppressively! Maybe you need to ask yourself if you didn't get exactly what you were looking for when you picked yourself out a LD wife.
I seem to really have gotten on your nerves. Sorry! But I can assure you that I wasn't looking for a woman who was subdued about sex. I'm not afraid of women's sexuality - except that I'd like other women's sexuality to stay far away from me while we're struggling in our marriage like this.
I'm sorry for flaming out at you. Obviously,I am a bit sensitive about the subject right now. At least you know now that a good method for keeping other women's sexuality far, far away from you is to even hint at implying that they might be promiscuous.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: At least you know now that a good method for keeping other women's sexuality far, far away from you is to even hint at implying that they might be promiscuous.
Yeah, but it doesn't seem like a technique I should use. Maybe I should try bad breath or flatulence...
NMB - I've wondered this about myself, too. Even though I didn't lose my virginity until college, it wasn't for lack of WISHING I could do it earlier. I was just so painfully shy in high school (and went to a VERY small school) that it was nearly impossible for me to get to that point with a boy. There was one guy I ended up doing some heavy petting with during my senior year, and I even went and bought condoms but he didn't want to go that far. (He later told me he felt like a fool for doing that!)
In college I lost my virginity within a week of getting there. Although the first few times were painful, I came to really enjoy sex and me and my BF had a very active sex life. (Ah...memories!) We did it just about anywhere and everywhere. We were together 3 years (during which time we broke up briefly and I had a fling with the aforementioned high school guy) until I transferred to another school. After one short fling, I immediately got involved with another HD guy, and we dated about 3 more years. Then a couple more BF's, all HD, and I married my first H who was also HD. As his alcoholism took hold, though, the sex became all about him and more boring for me.
When I met H, he was like your cheerleader friend. He acted like he was very HD. We had "dry" sex (with our clothes one) but he insisted he didn't want to really ML with me until after my D from H#1 was final. Then he put it off for another week or so after that and when we finally did do it, well, it wasn't rockets going off. Things got better, though, even though it was always me initiating. I was able to O easily with him and I liked that.
After we got married, though, is when things started to go downhill. The walls went up, the excuses started, we went to counseling. Sigh.
(Sorry to hijack your thread...this just got me thinking about my HD history!)
