Jesus, I've must have read 100 threads on here with WWs or WAWs. Aside from Sandi, are there any actual success stories of the W's returning and the marriage working? Seriously, and I pray nobody takes offense to this, but DBing, detaching, pursuing, begging, etc. None of it seems to work. I realize DB is about 'you', not 'her'. But does this 'marathon' ever actually work?
I'd love to read even a few 'success' stories.
Hi Terapin,
They are quite a few. You just have to look. A lot of times people take off from the forums when their situations improves (or worsens). TXHubby was a great one to read for me. Check out the siglines of the posters, if someone says "piecing since 2016", that means they're piecing the MR back. There's a few around here.
I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, that you're wondering: Is this an effective solution to my problem? That depends on your definition of effective, so maybe it's not. But I don't think there's a better solution out there.
My WW came back, then left, came back, then left. I don't think it would have happened without the support and principles here. I can say this positively that detaching (or at least trying), and not pursuing, totally changed the dynamic for us. The "gift of time" has helped me realize what I want in life, marriage, and my W. And usually the best thoughts come to me as I'm doing something else, not while I'm directly engaged in thought on DB'ing, or my marriage.
I realized, for example, that following my W's line of thought (she's not having an affair) that she thinks marriage is something to be easily set aside. Why did she take the lifelong vow then? She must also have cheated on her BF with her husband (me). Realizing these things,you start to step back and see your sitch objectively. This helps you calm down, get stronger, and release the wayward spouse's control over you. This, IMO, contributes to putting you in the best position to reconcile your marriage b/c it makes you the best you.
At the end of the day, if none of it seems to work, why beg and plead someone who doesn't want you? Why give them the satisfaction? You'll garner more respect by being strong, rising above the fray, and not pursuing. The WAS always has free will, and this isn't a game where you press the right buttons and win it.
And for a joke, at least some of us will get laid of our DB'ing efforts, amirite?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
