I can literally see his face change when he gets into his negative mindset. When he turns from Jekyll to Hyde. He becomes nasty to me in what he says and the tone he uses, his whole body language changes. Last night he took a 1.5 hr walk starting at 10. He asked if it was ok for him to walk (I never say no), and when he came back he said nothing. Took a shower, then went upstairs and said nothing. I texted him to ask if he was ok. He said he was. Asked why and if I was ok. I said, "yes, you just didn't say anything after you came back from your walk." He said he just didn't want to disturb me watching TV.
I have to work for a few hours today. I only have to work on a Saturday about 3 times a year, and I get to flex the hours, so I don't mind. H is with the kids all day. He doesn't seem to mind it.
I'm going to really try to practice some self care today. Play with my kids. Just try to recuperate from this past week. It's been really bad.
He's supposed to see his new therapist on Tuesday. I have several upcoming doctor's appointments this week related to pinpointing exactly how my recently discovered genetic condition affects me. I'll be glad to know what I should/shouldn't be doing to keep my body in the best possible condition. I've known for years something was wrong with me, but getting a diagnosis took a long time. I felt so stupid and like a hypochondriac. H would think that it was all in my head, but every time I'd go to the doctor something was legitimately wrong with me. Finding out I have this illness is both a blessing and a curse. I finally have answers, but I also know this is never going to go away. I will always have to be cognizant of my limitations. And I've most likely passed it on to all my children.
But I'm glad to finally know. I've always been a person who felt better with knowledge, even if the situation seemed dire.
That's been a big hang up for me in wanting to be with H. He minimizes my illnesses. Always has. It's very hurtful. He has said that I just need to "push through." But that's not how it works. That's not how my body works, and it's not how brains work. There are just things I need to do or not do. I should not be outside in extreme temperatures. I should not be outside when allergen counts are high. I need to make sure to get at least 8 hours of sleep. I need to exercise regularly and have plenty of time to stretch. I need caffeine to make it through my day, or I need to be allowed to nap. These are things that I biologically cannot control, but that my body needs. I don't like it. I don't like being high maintenance like that. But that appears to be the body I was given.
H just doesn't get it. Maybe he will once he sees our children struggle. Because it's not if, but when they really start to have problems with this illness too. Unfortunately, it will come one day.
