About the good friend - got it! Well, then that's really a non-issue. Yes, after a while and with enough observation, a new approach has to be taken for sure. With the specifics of our sitch's, I agree that it has to be something that centers around the kids. Kids are happy and it gives you enough buffer to not have to constantly engage with the other person and have to force any conversations or just be awkward. You can spend time doing stuff with the kids and other people around. Also approach it with the mindset that this is truly for the kids and that you're walking out after the event like nothing has changed. That's why I said it has to feel natural and something you're comfortable doing. Whatever happens, it doesn't matter because you're still waking up the next day living your new life.
Yeh, if there is an OM in the picture, then it's just out of the question really. You're looking foolish and she loses more respect for you. I also strongly believe that if the LBS is going to dip their toes outside, then they have to do it with equal reciprocation with the other person making the first move. So, if she invites you to something with the kids, then you can do the same at a later date. Keep it on the same level as her. This way it's not pursuit, and you're also not walking into a potentially awkward situation. But she has to make the first move, otherwise it's still just a lower degree of pursuit.
After mulling all of this over, and having the same types of questions and thoughts as you are having, I decided that I'll reciprocate and see. She had offered for me to join for something with the kids but I couldn't go. In return, I offered the same and we'll see. I don't know why she made the invite. I could spend time thinking about various possibilities, but unless I ask her point blank, I won't know. And I am not asking her - it simply doesn't matter at this point. All that matters is if it is something that I could engage in without expectations and be myself - which I can.
Arshi:
Thanks for the new apartment wishes! Yes, I am looking forward to making it a great home for the kids. They are excited so that helps.
You are right that I didn't want the D. My changed stance on it is due to a few different reasons: 1) I know what I will need from her to rebuild the marriage - they are not unreasonable things, but knowing her well, I have very high doubts that she would put the work in herself and the marriage; 2) I don't see any sign that she wants to even have a discussion on a potential reconciliation, let alone what that process would entail; 3) If for some miraculous reason (and I truly hope she gets help), she does decide to seek professional help to address her issues, the timeline for that is very long from the point she starts therapy; 4) But, even before the starting therapy, the timeline for her to come to that decision is also very long as she has high anxiety issues - I haven't seen a change in that from her physical manifestations of that anxiety; 5) Let's say all this happens and we get into MC - I have high doubts that I will be able to get past her EA and some casual dating, and I am sure more stuff that I am not privy to right now. Due to traumatic events in my life, I have a very hard time letting someone in, and if they abandon or betray me, I almost always shut the door on them outside of being civil and polite; 6) I am not in limbo and I am moving forward with my life, but I am at a place now where I am actually excited to meet new women and find love - this means that I don't have the patience to wait for extended number of years on some highly improbable variables coming true; 7) I also want someone who is deserving of me and vice versa and I don't want a half-a$$ partnership anymore - and unless W is all in and ready to go through struggles personally and with me, that's what I would end up with which is unacceptable to me now; 8) I want to bring a conclusion to this set of events and if that means that I have to take the lead on it, then I will - to ensure that my rights as a parent are protected and that I can have full closure on the marriage and relationship. I know the D is just symbolic at this point, but getting it done would provide an ending, whether or not it's something I wanted.
It's been past 12 months since the separation and she could've initiated the D proceedings over the last 2 months and she hasn't. With her anxiety issues, I am not sure if she can take the final step. I am sure guilt is probably playing into all of this as well. So, I will have to do it unless she brings it up in the next few months.
I am with you on dating while still legally married - I can't do it. That's why I haven't dated. I also didn't feel like it would be a constructive or positive thing for my growth and healing. I still have things I am working on for myself and I want to get to a emotionally stable place before I can dip my toes out in the dating world. I am quite content with myself and I don't feel lonely or wanting attention from someone else to make me feel good.
This was a long winded response, but if I missed something, let me know and I'll try and answer that for you.
