DB / Detach, WAW... piecing

[AnotherStander]

Im going to call her out about the friend zone stuff. I already told her Im not interested in being just a friend. And she seems to want to start there....

Don't call her out on it. What can you say that you haven't said already. Stop the pursuit and pressure.

[Did]

Will do. I struggle with the communication and DB at the same time. Its like black- im going to ignore you or barely respond, or white- lets date or get to know each other again

[hongaku]

You are aware that he agreed to support her for 3 months, by giving her $2400/month. right? Essentially funding her life away from him. Guarantee she thinks if she plays games she will get him to extend it past 3 months. And with Did's history it will probably work.

I was indeed aware of that, Steve. My last post to Did was out of frustration at watching him repeat the same patterns over and over, and was primarily in response to the fact that he seems unable to detach and go dark and wants to maintain as much contact with his W as possible and can't refrain from grabbing at any little scraps she throws his way. That being the case he seems determined to find out if his W is presenting him with a cheeseless tunnel. I was merely offering advice on how to do that if he's going to try that tunnel out anyway.

And yes, Did, you'll likely find out fairly quickly what her real intentions are when that $2400 stops coming.

[sandi2]

W says. We haven't been together for over a year. I'd like to try to slowly be friends and see how that goes.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Trap ahead!

But you want me to like commit to something and that is never going to happen because it's just not smart or healthy. We don't even know each other anymore. I'd like to get to know you, trust would be a very slow thing for me. But I don't think you would be ok w my speed

Read these words carefully. She is talking about having you only as a friend..….not a lover, and not a husband.

Men and women see being "friends" differently after they separate. Men think they can win her back if he's her friend. But let me tell you what "friend" means in girl code...…..no sexual attraction. She'll use you when she has nobody else....and expect you to hop the minute you hear that phone ping. This is the perfect opportunity for you to go dark on her. Stop playing BFF and have the b@lls to stop responding to her text messages. She is simply using you b/c she's bored and doesn't have anyone else to pester every few minutes with her texting addiction.

If you'll tell her you aren't interested in signing up for the buddy club, and stop interacting with her, you just might be able to get her back. But first, you have to jumpstart her sexual attraction, and you do that by dumping her!

[Did]

I told her Im not interested in being just friends multiple times. I dont think she is hearing me or she just doesnt care. I will do as you say Sandi and minimal contact. You think I have to just ignore her? Its Fn crazy to me. I went out last night and a woman literally sent me a shot. Another group of women were married and are trying to set me up with their single model friend. And my wife I have kids with isnt attracted.

I have been giving 1-3 word responses as few as possible except talking schedule with D3. She has been sending pictures and I dont respond. Last night she told me she was dealing w D3 blah blah blah I said good luck.... she says thank you have a good night. I said thanks you too. Then she said thanks for not ignoring me. I said youre welcome.

I did talk to a DB coach on a call months ago who said if you cant be her friend first youll never get to be her husband. Trying to play that fine line....

I guess we are going to do cake and a small birthday party at my house. W is going to come Mon, D3 birthday and give balloons and have cake. Im going to be pleasant but distant. No more pursuit. As little contact as possible, no conversations started by me.... pulling further away.

[SteveLW]

I am interested in hearing more about the context around the DB coach. I find it hard to believe the DB coach would advocate the friend zone. Obviously you want to be friendly, but that doesn't mean you settle for being a friend.

[Did]

This was on an initial call I had months ago before getting on the forum. Talking about me pressuring her to reconcile and be in the marriage felt like a prison to her. Since she wanted to get out of it. A lot of the talk was about pursuit and pressure. But she definitely said that if I couldnt be her friend first I would never get to be her husband. W and I couldnt even get along at this point she was with OM1 HS ex trashy bankrupt affair down etc.... I dont know but I am going to do my best to follow the advice here. She definitely has shown interest when I pull away. And when I show interest in return and expect her to be excited or happy she goes cold. So no interest from me until / unless she is pouring it on wanting to work on marriage, sexually intimate lover etc. I kind of feel it will never happen but me pulling away and not being interested is the best chance I have.

[AnotherStander]

I will do as you say Sandi and minimal contact. You think I have to just ignore her?

The rule of thumb is sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour later, sometimes not at all. Why? Because you're not ignoring her, you are just too busy living an awesome life to bother replying all the time.

Its Fn crazy to me. I went out last night and a woman literally sent me a shot. Another group of women were married and are trying to set me up with their single model friend. And my wife I have kids with isnt attracted.

Last night I was over at my ex's house to drop off my son and brought my dog in. My son was holding his dog and XW's was next to her. She says "isn't it funny how our dogs are all like us, S's is chill and laid back like him, yours is solid and muscular and strong like you and mine is fluffy like me." LOL! A month or so ago I was over there picking up S and came out of the garage and overheard her telling her pastor neighbor in front of the house "no he's my ex, but he's really amazing, he's a wonderful man!" So your wife may very well see you as a good looking, attractive, awesome man but she STILL doesn't want to be married to you. Who knows why. The good news is other women see it too and some of them don't want to just be friends

[Loves77]

You keep telling her that you don't want to be friends? You just typed that. But, you respond all the time, as a friend.

At this point she has no reason to divorce you. You pay her bills. Talk whenever she wants. Texts whenever she wants.
React whenever she wants. FaceTime whenever she wants, oh wait - that's for for the daughter, right? <insert sarcasm>

I bet my entire paycheck that you couldn't go 2 days without some sort of contact. And I'm broke so I wouldn't put my money down unless it's a sure this.

Ok enough being mean "loves". But seriously, I'm gonna be honest. I'm not sure that you are getting better. This chick just played the hell out of you. Basically to make sure that she has you in her pocket. And you fell for it.

[sandi2]

You think I have to just ignore her?

Yes!

I did talk to a DB coach on a call months ago who said if you cant be her friend first youll never get to be her husband. Trying to play that fine line....

In some situations where the H was mean to his W, I might agree. However, I have to respectfully disagree when it comes to a woman who just breaks up her family for selfish reasons. Your W has lost sexual desire for you, and playing buddy-buddy will not cause her to feel desire. Why? B/c a WW "uses" the so-called friendship to her advantage. And I mean she uses her H for everything but a sexual partner and respected spouse. If he tries to back away, she'll throw up the friendship thing in his face. It's all a form of manipulation.

She's selfish, so she has to experience not having you available to her every minute. She needs to experience your disinterest in her and moving forward in your life without her. That's what works to get a self-absorbed WW's attention...….not this type of stuff you've been doing. Both of you use D3 as an excuse to talk to each other. My gosh, how much interaction does it take to set up a schedule and stick to it? It's all an excuse that both spouses use. You need to tell her one time that all communication will be done through email, except for an emergency situation. Then stop responding to her texts. You can check your email in the evenings and send one response (if needed) regarding the care of D3, and cut out all that chit-chat thank-you-mam.

She has been sending pictures and I dont respond.

Good! That's a start.

Last night she told me she was dealing w D3 blah blah blah I said good luck.... she says thank you have a good night. I said thanks you too. Then she said thanks for not ignoring me. I said youre welcome.

No, no, no. This ^^^^^^^ is so nice & polite it makes me ill. Why all the back & forth niceties? When she texts you complaining, you ignore it. Not a peep! And....be warned, she won't like it. She'll be pissed. She'll accuse you of being cold, ignoring her (which is true), mean, not wanting to be friends (which is true), etc., etc. Ignore it. Can you do it? That's the question. B/c here's what will happen. Your nice guy traits will scream out in your head and tell you that she's right and you are not treating her well. So, you have to remind your nice guy traits that's why the M is in trouble, b/c of your NGS.

I guess we are going to do cake and a small birthday party at my house. W is going to come Mon, D3 birthday and give balloons and have cake. Im going to be pleasant but distant. No more pursuit. As little contact as possible, no conversations started by me.... pulling further away.

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