I always wonder/ed if im doing the right things. I think detaching has helped me a little bit, but i dont think it helped my M so far. I agree with Joseph, its hard not treating her like your W. Honestly, sometimes its like stanfing on the sidelines and watching a movie or train wreck, and there is nothing you can do.
Just keep taking care of yourself and kids L. Do your 180's and GAL. At the end of the day, i think everyone here needs to be in a better place when the dust settles, no matter what happens with our W's.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Equalzr, you have the wrong idea here. Detaching is to save YOU, not the marriage. There is nothing you can say or do that will save your marriage, but plenty to fcuk it up.
LANE, you over analyze everything and you assume waaaaay too much stuff. You might have not noticed it, but you are running yourself into overdrive. You really need to stop this. I know you are trying to find that silver buller, that one thing you can say/do that will turn it around for you. You can't. Because there is no such thing.
And it is best that you do not over share with the inlaws. Sure, they get you, hell they might even like/love you, but at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water and they will stand by their daughter.
And also you are taking thing waaaay too personally. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT IS ALL ABOUT HER. She isn't doing these things to screw with you, you have simply vanished off her radar. You do not matter to her ATM. It is all about her. You might even hear her say: "I have always put other's needs before mine, now it is my time. My time to be happy." That is of course complete BS, but that's what it is.
DO NOT try to get into your W's head. I repeat, DO NOT. Her head is a messed up place with all the weird emotions and stuff and boy does it get crazy in there. So again, look after yourself and the kiddos and protect yourself. Protect yourself in all manners possible. Do get a L advice, do take financial precautions, these MLCers are known to burn through cash like there is no tomorrow.
You write about her remorse and that she still has not shown any. Forget about is. She is riding high on the sense of entitlement and you will not see any remorse. Forget about it.
Originally Posted by LANE
Did any of you ever question or wonder if you were doing the right thing? Especially if you really wanted the R to work out?
And just what exactly are you doing? If you have not noticed, you are not in the driver's seat, you are just a passenger. What do you feel you should be doing?
Did any of you ever question or wonder if you were doing the right thing? Especially if you really wanted the R to work out?
Steve asked you: what else can you do? What´s the alternative?
DBing is for you, like Vapo wrote. Use it to your own personal growth. You must do that, Lane. Be there for your children and keep detaching. I know it is hard man. GAL and stop the mind reading.
And also you are taking thing waaaay too personally. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT IS ALL ABOUT HER. She isn't doing these things to screw with you, you have simply vanished off her radar. You do not matter to her ATM. It is all about her. You might even hear her say: "I have always put other's needs before mine, now it is my time. My time to be happy." That is of course complete BS, but that's what it is.
Lane, buddy Vapo speaks the truth. I heard basically that exact quote. Basically a paragraph saying: Her time, focus on her and her needs. Make herself happy, find what she wants. It is purely selfish and ALL about her. To be on the receiving end of that as the spouse who loves her, I totally get how terrible that is. You need to come to acceptance, save yourself for your children and then let the chips fall where they will between you and her.
Did you feel like after a few days of no contact you felt like you really needed or wanted to try something to flip the switch back on? I feel like it constantly!!! This is so hard!! The longer it goes on the more I feel like its fading away.
L,
It is like the movie Ground Hogs Day around this boards. Different day same story.
What you are feeling right now is called the "illusion of action". You feel like you have to do something to get her back. When the best thing to do is do nothing and act like you are moving on. Every move you make should be based on the question "will this make me look weak or will this make me look strong?"
Chasing someone who is cheating on you and dumping you makes you look very weak!
If you become physically and mentally strong and centered and you have extreme patience I can almost guarantee you will have a chance to reconcile at some point. Most likely after you divorce. Just don't be surprised that when she comes to you to reconciled that you have already moved on.
When you have time read Accuray and Anotherstander's thread and you will see what happens when you put in the work.
Chasing someone who is cheating on you and dumping you makes you look very weak!
THIS
So powerful. When you look weak she loses respect for you. When she has no respect for you she will be repulsed by you. Disgusted by you. No way will she ever be attracted to someone she doesn't respect.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Lane, I've laid low for a few days, but am catching up on your thread. I want to use a quote from last week, in order to point something out.
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So today is another day. My W picked up my S yesterday. Today I got a call from her asking if I decided on the schedule swap next week. I said that I was still kinda thinking about it and would let her know later today or tomorrow. She asked if I could give her an answer tonite. I said yes probably could do that. The only reason I am hesitant about taking the kids back next Wed is that I know she has plans that night to go camp with her work friends and most likely OM. So I was debating on just saying I would take them no problem or I could say No, I have plans on Wednesday, but I could take them on Thursday. That would really frustrate her if I did that.
You know, it's easier to tell someone what they shouldn't do.....than tell them what to do. Right? So, I see a lot of newcomer LBH's doing similar things as we see you in this situation about the schedule swap. I think a lot of times, the H is trying to apply the rule about not instantly responding to the W's text, or something along those lines. I think the H has to be shrewd enough to know the difference in not responding or giving in right away......from just obviously looking as if he is trying to annoy the peejuices out of his WW and be difficult. Know what I mean? Let me point to a couple of things I saw when you kept your W dangling while waiting for you to "think about it". I think you may have said something about checking with your schedule. Okay, so how long does that take? Secondly, if you really had made previous plans for Wednesday, why would you make her wait and call you again? That just makes you look like you made up the whole thing, just to annoy her. And lastly, your real reason is b/c you are trying to control what she does when she doesn't have the kids. That's a no-no. So, I'm just not in much favor of playing this type of game where you keep the W waiting for an answer to something as simple as checking your calendar to see if you can swap a few days. Maybe that's just me. Of course, if she's doing this every couple of weeks, then I don't think you should put up with it, but occasionally isn't bad, b/c there will come a time you might need to ask her to swap.
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She has new hair style, all new clothes. This 38 WW looks 25 now. I get to stand there and pretend like I'm not even interested in any of that. I just said okay guys " have fun and drive safe" and off they went. So it [censored] not being able to load up and go with them. She's looking all good now. Why does life have to throw you down so hard.
Hummmm…….okay, well what did she see when she looked at you? Were you looking hot, with a new hair cut, smelling sexy with a new cologne, sporting new clothes, and looking as if you were ready to hop in the car and go have a fun time as soon as she left with the kids? Did you know your attitude is totally different when you are all ready to go out on the town? The other person who stops by your house, can just tell by the way you look and act that you are going out. Is that what she saw? I hope she didn't see a sad dad who was looking rather pitiful as she pulled out of the drive way.
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For now I am going to "let it be". Let her go enjoy her new feelings and new life I guess.
Yep, b/c what else can you do? She is going to do what she wants, with or without your blessings.
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I keep being told she is living a fantasy and it will eventually come to an end some day. They say she is living on her scattered emotions. Some days its hard for me to believe this. Ive also been told that it will take something big to break her out of the "fog".
I'll bet there is something else you've been told. This all takes time. Much more time than the LBH thinks it will take. I'm talking many months. So, stop waiting for the other shoe to hit the floor, and start living your own life apart from her. This is not anti-DBing advice, BTW. The sooner you can let her go and let the M go (emotionally/mentally), the sooner things will start to change. However, there's a kicker. You have to do it for real.
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I know my best chances are to step back and let her have complete freedoms. I thought she already had that when we were together.
She wants freedom like comes with being single. Freedom to date openly, or to sleep with whomever she chooses.
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I went swimming with 2 of my kids last night where we used to go as a family. Now I look around at other families saying to myself.."yep that was me last year" Now Im just a heartbroken SOB wishing I had it all back.
And some of those married people were probably wishing they were single and could do whatever they wanted without having to consider their spouse's feelings. When we are depressed, we see what we want in others. It's our mental attitude that tells us we are a looser and everyone else are winners. Let me give you a personal experience. I think it was shortly before I stepped over the line and became involved in an Internet A. I was going through a lot of hormonal issues and was feeling old and unattractive. I decided to go to the mall and get my mind off myself. Well, that was a mistake. Everywhere I looked, was youthful, beautiful women. Have you ever noticed the stores don't use photo posters of old women? They use 20 something models, and the apparel is geared for the 20 something bodies. I felt like they were jumping out in front of me. I started looking around the mall to see if there were any customers over the age of 20 something. It was like the Twilight Zone! Now, why was this affecting me so badly, when it never seemed to bother me previously? It was b/c of the way I was feeling about myself.....and my situation.
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Does anyone else get the Sunday blues.
After church, do something different than usual. Are you hanging out with any guy friends? Met any new friends at church? Do you have a hobby, want to try something new? This may be your only chance to get to do whatever you want, without having to consider the feelings of someone else.
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I feel like me doing the detach has calmed things down a bit. I don't feel like anything bad or worse has happened in over a week.
Might I suggest you stop analyzing and evaluating things on a weekly basis and stretch it out to a monthly basis? You may find it is not as tiring as the weekly grade. When you are analyzing or grading the sitch on a daily/weekly basis, every little bump in the road is going to feel defeating. I think it's b/c subconsciously you are looking for that silver bullet that is going to turn the werewolf back into the human you once knew. As long as you live this way, you will crash & burn long before the wolf changes.
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My daughter came across the D papers in WW's car....She then found on her IPAD history that W is planning a trip to Cali in Sept for a few days. So needless to say I am totally bummed out today....
Well, I'm sorry she found those papers. I know you can't just turn off your feelings. And, I know you come here for reassurance. I'm telling you, as a former WW who has been reconciled for 11 years now, that you have to let this stuff go. She has to experience some things before she changes back to her human form again. It's going to take a long time. Going to California has nothing to do with you. Your life is separated from her life. You must cut the emotional rope to all the drama she creates...….b/c there is going to be a lot more! If you will walk away from her, then things will happen faster and you will be in a much better place to handle what you will need to handle when she starts talking reconciliation. At the moment, you could not handle a proposed reconciliation. You'd be so anxious to get her back, you'd take her anyway you could get her...…..and, she'd be gone within a week. This separation period can be used as your boot camp training to prepare you for reconciliation, and piecing back the MR. Very few newcomers have any idea of what is required when piecing with a WW. So, use this time wisely. ((hugs))
What GAL activities do you have planned?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You may find it is not as tiring as the weekly grade. When you are analyzing or grading the sitch on a daily/weekly basis, every little bump in the road is going to feel defeating. I think it's b/c subconsciously you are looking for that silver bullet that is going to turn the werewolf back into the human you once knew. As long as you live this way, you will crash & burn long before the wolf changes.