Clean Slate Pt. 1 (Advice on my Scenario Pt. 23)

[OrangeK]

Do you think you can follow the advice given for the non-narcissist dealing with a narcissist? Knowing that you need to hear an apology from her, maybe more...…..can you move on without looking for it? In other words, if she should apologize someday, that's great, and if she never utters a word....you don't have to have it. You won't allow a lack of an apology to rule over you.

I came to terms with not getting that a while ago. It still profoundly bothers me, but i know enough about Ms. Narcy to know i will never get an apology or explanation and if I do it will be a crock.

While you are being painfully honest with yourself, have you accepted that you won't be able to have a meaningful relationship with your XW?

Yes, my plan moving forward is called "paralell parenting", easy to look up if you're unfamiliar.

The reason I ask is b/c of the feelings you still have toward the possibility of her & OM staying together. I can't quote you, but it was something to the effect of you being crushed if OM got what was taken away from you. Are you referring to the make-believe girl she impersonated, or the real woman she proved to be?

The Fake woman. I have moved past this, it still Sux, but i know that OM will last 5 years tops, and even if he lasted the test of time, it wont change her personality. If they stayed together that would only tell me OM is willing to silently tolerate all the abuses i eventually began to question, which is what I believe got me discarded by EX anyway.

I'm not debating any of this, I'm just asking if you are holding on to the hope that one day the two of you will be back together again?

Not anymore. I had been, and the "Fantasy" of that is still appealing, but its never going to happen, and if it did it would just be a quick path back to abuse.

Intellectually, you get it. You just have a very difficult time emotionally digesting it. There is a war going on inside of you, and I hope & pray that you can find peace. Peace means everything. It won't come from her, and intellectually, you know it. If you can let go of the dream you have of the three of you being a family unit again,

That dream is dead and gone. I mourn it, but its dead.

then you can focus on getting peace within your soul. If you don't let it go, the anger is going to destroy you. Orange, I once told you that I would talk to you like I talk to my son, and this is exactly what I would tell him.

Finding that peace is where I am at now. Trying to find that peace.
Sandi, i find it VERY endearing that you speak to me as though you would my son. He is a lucky man to have you as a mother.

I really hate all of this for you, but I am really concerned about the affect it will have on the child. You can distant yourself from her. You don't "need" her. But the child needs the healthy attention, affection, and encouragement of his mother.

Paralell parenting handles this issue quite well i think. Check it out.

I pray you can release yourself from this hold she has on you, b/c S3 is going to need a father who has great discernment and the ability to lovingly teach him how to be a good person. I don't think I can even begin to imagine how challenging it will be, as you raise your son. ((hugs)) I would have to read everything I could find that teaches people how to cope when raising a child with a narcissist parent. I wonder if there are classes that teach people, or if there are support groups. Maybe you could do a little research to see if there is such a thing in your area.

I have had some great resources from IC about co parenting with NARCY, as well as extensive research online too.
Basically my plan is the old "Not my circus not my monkeys" approach.
Ive already seen the decline in S3's behavior after he has been with her for a few days, she has no discipline plan and lets him do whatever he wants, and that makes for an obstinant child. It makes it hard for the teachers, whom i feel bad for. I cannot control how she parents, i just have to be the A+ #1 dad to balance it off. I just have more work on my end than a normal single dad, its ok. S3 is more than worth it!!

I want to suggest something, as you read more information on this subject. Don't get overly focused on the negative things she does. Just get the information so that you might have a better understanding, but don't let your emotions take over your actions. I realize it must be very difficult not to be overcome with anger whenever it involves your child, but try to learn about this personality disorder in a detached manner, as much as possible.

Ive been reading a lot, it is hard when S3 is being neglected or abused, and I am working on a plan of action there as well.

You already know she's going to do things that contradict your parenting style, or your preferences/choices, etc.

Literally out of spite, yes i do.

I would think that predetermining how you will respond to some issues might help keep your anger better controlled. For example, it's obvious that S3's hair is going to be an issue, therefore, having a plan for how to calmly and wisely deal with it throughout the coming years......may save you from reacting out of anger and doing something you'll later regret.

Thats a good plan, ill work on a "Problems i foresee dealing with" list and a list of rebuttals to go along with it.

BTW, I think Joseph has been giving you some good suggestions. Even if you don't agree with everything, posting to other parents who are further down the road in co-parenting and getting their perspective could be invaluable. Experience is a tough teacher, and if someone is trying to tell you what worked and didn't work for them......you'd be wise to give it some consideration. (I'm not suggesting you weren't listening to Joseph. I just wanted to say I thought his advice sounded reasonable.) Anyway, we learn from each other, and there are people here who are having to co-parent with difficult spouses. You might be able to help someone else, especially someone who is just starting down this road.

Don't give up IC. It takes time.

Joe is always full of good advice, even when i disagree with how its presented, its still very valuable info. Plus he was the only one willing to talk with me for a bit, so i hope you know i appreciate that Joe.
trust me, Joseph, ItHurts, Makia and others are my role models for how to handle D.
I know Makia isnt Ding yet, but his methods fekkin work, that is whom i try most to emulate, if often unsuccessfully.
Count me out of the race the day i fall and dont get back up, i may eat dirt a lot on this board, but im still here, and im still pushing forward.
Sorry folks, you arent rid of me yet