Steve according to the attorney the support will count towards alimony if we divorce. I will email her to confirm that right now.
Did, I am not going to redebate this with you. The point is that she is getting something from you....until that stops you can't trust a THING she says.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
FML and I thought this was a good thing. Great. Im just done with it all. If she wants to spend time and date or work toward reconcilation great. Im so tired of this
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, sorry for the harshness of my last couple of responses. It was just frustrating to see you put yourself out there and to see her squashing you like a bug.
Look, I know this stuff is tough. And that you want to do something to fix it. But what we have been telling you for weeks now is that fixing it is out of your control.
Fix you.Work on you. Forget her for now. She'll either come back or she won't. Let's work on saving Did!
We are here to help you. Sometimes we get frustrated and hit you with 2x4s, but helping you is at its heart!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think she’s genuine in wanting to take it slow. But I don’t be think she recognizes the subconscious pursuit distancer stuff. She just goes by feeling and intuition. She thinks my expectations are too high. I don’t think she’ll ever just come back. I’m done texting I always lose In these exchanges. Back to being the distancer. Not responding to her picture and only going to respond minimally. What a Fn waste of time and energy. Can I offer someone money do handle these text conversations for me. Can’t do it anymore.
Me- After not talking for a couple days you want to get to know me again. Then when I show interest you go to 1 word answers and stop talking. By the end I'm apologizing while you're on vacation w Ariel for her birthday. I'm too nice.
I'm thinking this is what you want that's what you said you should be excited. And I'll come do a beach day with them tomorrow. Instead it's I have to think about it...
Do you see why Ive been backing away thats my only option. And it's going to continue unless you react differently.
Her- I was on the beach w no service.It always feels so dramatic like your expectations are huge. I'm sorry
Me- As I repeat myself about texting not being a good way to communicate
Her- ok sorry.
Me- I want to be able to be excited to get to know someone or build a friendship relationship or date.
Her- Ok
Me- You said you want to get to know me. Start w building friendship fine. Are you excited that I'm open to that. To going at your pace and trying my best. I could of said um no I have 2 or 3 women I'm dating and I'm good.
Her- I can answer later when D3 isn't breaking stuff Cool.
Me- Yes of course you know you can you know she always comes first.
Her- Why would you say something like that. Good luck w the multiple women then
Me- it was hypothetical. You just seem to have this expectation that I'll always be there.
Her- No.
Me- We can't text through these conversations.
Her- then stop texting.
Me- I did stop texting and it was hurtful and I was ignoring you.
No drama. No expectations. I'm not dating multiple women. I was making a point. You're busy. When I'm busy I'll say so I don't want to hurt you. We want to get to know each other. We can be excited that we have the chance. Expectations too high? Later.
Her- sends picture of D3 playing with her stepdad.
I’m back to detach barely respond mode. She can pursue me. I know she wants to try. Or maybe she just wants the money that’s not who she’s ever been but who the hell knows.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
I kinda know how Steve85 feels. It's very rough to read your situation. We have been motivating you for weeks and you listen for like 12 hours. You get quiet saying that you will stop texting her. Only to come on to say you responded to her and then ask what you should do.
What is the definition if insanity?
You say that you are a good business man. If this weee business, would you invest in this? In her? In your actions?
We said leave it short. No relationship talk. You started talking relationship. She gives 2 to 3 word answers. Outright says you haven't been together in a year. Wow. She damn near friend zoned you. And you don't see it.
I'm starting to believe that maybe Steve was right about the payments/support. He might be on to something.
Yes to keep doing the same thing is insane. No I would not invest in her. I also dont have a child with a business partner. That doesnt matter and is probably the part that keeps throwing me off. I want to have my daughter grow up with both aprents and have her full time so badly and have the family thing that I jump passed the making her fall for me by being unavailable.
We havent been together in a year. Honestly I dont know if I even like her as a person. We dont know each other shes all messed up and wasnt like this when we were married. Ive changed a lot and done a lot of therapy. Those are facts. The friends first thing she has said before. I made it clear I am not interested in being friends. Something months ago I was open to. No, she doesnt trust me, I used to lie, smoke weed hide stuff from her while we were married I didnt do much at all to keep her happy. Why should she trust me?
When we separated I made some bad decisions on who to date. As did she but yes, she has shown the desire to be friendly with her actions inviting over for pancake breakfasts saying she wants to be friends first.
I think she truly means what she says. Yes shes also scared and has issues with anxiety.
Ill listen to you. Ill be short. I do truly believe she is interested in building a relationship slowly or seeing how it feels to spend time together. Could it be the financial support yea maybe. Do I care about 10k if I pay a few months more support honestly, no not much at all.
I do care about my thought process, mental health and happiness. I can not allow her to control my happiness. I reached out to a IC. What do I need to work on? How can I fix myself? What do I need to work on? These are things I have a hard time seeing.
Im going to think when she reaches out... No Im Out. At least I see where we are at. I do wish I had just played coy and mysterious instead of being like yea Im down.
If she comes on strong and definite then yea Im open to it. Until then she can have limited interaction and time with me unless she pursues heavily and is more definite about it.
If she wants to take it slow and see how things go how to proceed.... so tired of this being on my mind and weighing me down. That is my motivation to be ok with divorce.
Going out with a guy friend tonight. Finishing up work going to the gym.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
When it does come up in the future after going unresponsive for a while. Im going to call her out about the friend zone stuff. I already told her Im not interested in being just a friend. And she seems to want to start there....
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
But I don’t be think she recognizes the subconscious pursuit distancer stuff.
I don't think YOU recognize it. Let me spell it out for you:
Quote
Me- After not talking for a couple days you want to get to know me again. Then when I show interest you go to 1 word answers and stop talking. By the end I'm apologizing while you're on vacation w Ariel for her birthday. I'm too nice.
Pursuit.
Quote
Her- I was on the beach w no service.It always feels so dramatic like your expectations are huge. I'm sorry
Distance.
Quote
Me- I want to be able to be excited to get to know someone or build a friendship relationship or date.
Pursuit.
Quote
Her- Ok
Distance.
Quote
Me- You said you want to get to know me. Start w building friendship fine. Are you excited that I'm open to that. To going at your pace and trying my best. I could of said um no I have 2 or 3 women I'm dating and I'm good.
Pursuit.
Quote
Her- I can answer later when D3 isn't breaking stuff
Distance.
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Do you know the chapter in DR about cheeseless tunnels? Some people set up a lawn chair in front of a cheeseless tunnel. You've built a 2 story brick house with every window and a huge patio facing down that black, dead, cheeseless tunnel.
STOP doing more-of-the-same expecting different results.
