Clean Slate Pt. 1 (Advice on my Scenario Pt. 23)

[sandi2]

Do you think you can follow the advice given for the non-narcissist dealing with a narcissist? Knowing that you need to hear an apology from her, maybe more...…..can you move on without looking for it? In other words, if she should apologize someday, that's great, and if she never utters a word....you don't have to have it. You won't allow a lack of an apology to rule over you.

But as a veteran of the narcissist’s abuse, the non also should remain skeptical of authentic lasting growth in the narcissist, something that at best will be very limited. Probably the safest response for the non is to neither reject the overture nor expect more of the same from the narcissist.

While you are being painfully honest with yourself, have you accepted that you won't be able to have a meaningful relationship with your XW? The reason I ask is b/c of the feelings you still have toward the possibility of her & OM staying together. I can't quote you, but it was something to the effect of you being crushed if OM got what was taken away from you. Are you referring to the make-believe girl she impersonated, or the real woman she proved to be? I'm not debating any of this, I'm just asking if you are holding on to the hope that one day the two of you will be back together again? Intellectually, you get it. You just have a very difficult time emotionally digesting it. There is a war going on inside of you, and I hope & pray that you can find peace. Peace means everything. It won't come from her, and intellectually, you know it. If you can let go of the dream you have of the three of you being a family unit again, then you can focus on getting peace within your soul. If you don't let it go, the anger is going to destroy you. Orange, I once told you that I would talk to you like I talk to my son, and this is exactly what I would tell him.

I really hate all of this for you, but I am really concerned about the affect it will have on the child. You can distant yourself from her. You don't "need" her. But the child needs the healthy attention, affection, and encouragement of his mother. I pray you can release yourself from this hold she has on you, b/c S3 is going to need a father who has great discernment and the ability to lovingly teach him how to be a good person. I don't think I can even begin to imagine how challenging it will be, as you raise your son. ((hugs)) I would have to read everything I could find that teaches people how to cope when raising a child with a narcissist parent. I wonder if there are classes that teach people, or if there are support groups. Maybe you could do a little research to see if there is such a thing in your area.

I want to suggest something, as you read more information on this subject. Don't get overly focused on the negative things she does. Just get the information so that you might have a better understanding, but don't let your emotions take over your actions. I realize it must be very difficult not to be overcome with anger whenever it involves your child, but try to learn about this personality disorder in a detached manner, as much as possible. You already know she's going to do things that contradict your parenting style, or your preferences/choices, etc. I would think that predetermining how you will respond to some issues might help keep your anger better controlled. For example, it's obvious that S3's hair is going to be an issue, therefore, having a plan for how to calmly and wisely deal with it throughout the coming years......may save you from reacting out of anger and doing something you'll later regret.

FWIW, I'll share something I heard an elementary principal say many years ago. "If we paddle the students for not flushing the toilet, what will we do when they commit greater offenses?" She had to follow certain rules for administering "punishment", and at that time, three licks with a paddle was the worst (other than being expelled). So, I was able to see her position and how she determined the type of punishment to be administered according to the offenses. In other words, there was a plan. It later became known as the students handbook for that local school, where everyone saw the rules and the consequences for breaking them.

BTW, I think Joseph has been giving you some good suggestions. Even if you don't agree with everything, posting to other parents who are further down the road in co-parenting and getting their perspective could be invaluable. Experience is a tough teacher, and if someone is trying to tell you what worked and didn't work for them......you'd be wise to give it some consideration. (I'm not suggesting you weren't listening to Joseph. I just wanted to say I thought his advice sounded reasonable.) Anyway, we learn from each other, and there are people here who are having to co-parent with difficult spouses. You might be able to help someone else, especially someone who is just starting down this road.

Don't give up IC. It takes time.