No more denial, time to get to work

[MRay]

Hi STH17, thanks for reading. Believe me, when this all started I was a mess. I look back at my response to discovering the affair and I'm disgusted with myself. The begging, the pleading, the self pity. I wish I had reacted in a total different way, but I can't change the past. So a few months ago I wasn't nearly this calm. You'll get there. It's possible!

I guess I'm okay with being friends because we'd basically been living as friends for 6 years with the occasional pity sex thrown in there. I'm also very forgiving, and I can see her side. Do I agree with her actions? No. Does it make me respect her less? Yes, but I still think she is a good person that has issues she's working on. We both still love each other. Just more like brother/sister than husband/wife. I truly want her to be happy. One of the boundaries we have trouble with is that we both joke about things when in uncomfortable situations. This is why our mediation lawyer loves us so much. We are constantly cracking jokes, laughing, and smiling during our meetings. Probably very different than the typical divorce proceedings. We are just too comfortable with each other. How do you force yourself to be uncomfortable?

I definitely understand the feeling like you are working so hard to work on the relationship and she isn't doing anything. That's why one of my triggers is seeing how hard she is working on herself now. She put it so little effort to us for so long. I had been asking her to go out with our friends and do stuff, and get a babysitter and go out just the two of us, or going on vacation without the kids and she always had excuses. Usually she didn't want to deal with getting a babysitter. So now I see her doing all these things, including getting a babysitter for our kids when she only has them half the time anyways, can definitely upset me still. But I guess I just deal with it. What else can I do? Her life does not concern me anymore. She is responsible for her own happiness. I'm responsible for mine. So that's what I focus on. I guess what I'm saying is if you can't be friends with her and be happy, then don't be friends with her.

Hi Nicole! Thanks for the compliments. It's definitely difficult at times, but it gets easier. I certainly hope so too with Anna, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I had planned to wait until January to contact her again as that's when my divorce is final as the last thing she had said to me was along the lines of that it's just not a good time for her and she was hesitant to pursue anything because of my situation for the next 6 months (this was in June). Now with us talking again, and we'll be seeing each other when I pick up D6 from her class, I'm not so sure anymore. One of my friends is getting married in a month, and he was encouraging me to try to be friends with her and see if she wants to watch a baseball game or something (we're both big fans of the same team). It worked for him. He and his fiance were friends for months before finally going out even though he pursued her from the start.

The starting a new family thing is something I've put a lot of thought into, and this is independent of Anna. At first I didn't think I wanted any more children, but I always wanted three (I'm a third child that came along 10 years after my youngest sister, so maybe that's where it comes from). STBXW only wanted two, so we were done. Now I think if I found the right person I could totally have another child. And I don't think I would want just one. Probably two. I'm big into symmetry I guess. I never saw myself as a father of four (dear God, that's scary), but I'm kind of excited about the possibility now. I love my kids, and enjoy being a dad so much. I also wouldn't want to be in my 40's and starting a new family, so it would have to be fairly soon. So, I guess I'm very open to the idea.