I can't determine if he's found me on here again. I've been careful to only use incognito tabs so as not to track my history. But randomly today, he started a text conversation about how we agreed to alternate days and how I had been difficult about things.
That's what I wrote about in my last entry.
It could be coincidence. Idk.
He doesn't like my logic. He keeps trying to gaslight me in order to not see my logic. I asked him the question, "why are you wanting the D? What will it get you? What need will it satisfy that you are not getting today in the present situation?"
After a long pause he said, "Why is it important for you to know?"
After a few more back and forths, he eventually told me, "I want to be happy and I want to be with someone that understand me and that I understand."
Eventually we talked in the evening and it was probably the calmest discussion we've had about our R in a long time. He would vacillate between talking with me about us, and then just talking about other life events in general. After he'd done this a few times I said, "you understand this is marriage, right? Sitting here talking about world events, our boring work BS.... that's really what marriage is."
He said, "I guess I'm married to everyone then... I can talk to anyone"
Me: Well I can talk to anyone about anything too, but that doesn't mean I share the same value and beliefs as they do. H: I think we're too different. Me: I think we're more a Venn diagram than you think. Sure we have differences, everyone does, but on the things that really matter, we're on the same page. H: But I don't have any feelings for you. Me: You think I have a whole lot of feelings for you right now? I haven't felt much in a long time either in that department. But we're not uncommon in that. We just have to find our way again. H: I think we make good business partners. We do well in child rearing and real estate.... we do well in major life decisions. Me: Then why can't we treat our marriage that way?
Eventually I had to leave the conversation bc I was doing a session with a client. By the time I was done, he was in bed and asked if we could resume the conversation today. I said sure.
I had a BS day at work yesterday. It was terrible. I need to find a new job. Really, really need to find a new job. But there's just been no time. I got more feedback from a resume specialist, and I think I can do some more to help clean up things, but I just have no time right now.
I'm also in so much pain. So much physical pain. I've had to take my migraine medication 3 times this week (which is unusual) and I've also had to take Xanax and unknown amounts of ibuprofen. Everything hurts.
