WW-is there hope? Any advise from former WW's

[sandi2]

Hey Lane, I've laid low for a few days, but am catching up on your thread. I want to use a quote from last week, in order to point something out.

So today is another day. My W picked up my S yesterday. Today I got a call from her asking if I decided on the schedule swap next week. I said that I was still kinda thinking about it and would let her know later today or tomorrow. She asked if I could give her an answer tonite. I said yes probably could do that. The only reason I am hesitant about taking the kids back next Wed is that I know she has plans that night to go camp with her work friends and most likely OM. So I was debating on just saying I would take them no problem or I could say No, I have plans on Wednesday, but I could take them on Thursday. That would really frustrate her if I did that.

You know, it's easier to tell someone what they shouldn't do.....than tell them what to do. Right? So, I see a lot of newcomer LBH's doing similar things as we see you in this situation about the schedule swap. I think a lot of times, the H is trying to apply the rule about not instantly responding to the W's text, or something along those lines. I think the H has to be shrewd enough to know the difference in not responding or giving in right away......from just obviously looking as if he is trying to annoy the peejuices out of his WW and be difficult. Know what I mean? Let me point to a couple of things I saw when you kept your W dangling while waiting for you to "think about it". I think you may have said something about checking with your schedule. Okay, so how long does that take? Secondly, if you really had made previous plans for Wednesday, why would you make her wait and call you again? That just makes you look like you made up the whole thing, just to annoy her. And lastly, your real reason is b/c you are trying to control what she does when she doesn't have the kids. That's a no-no. So, I'm just not in much favor of playing this type of game where you keep the W waiting for an answer to something as simple as checking your calendar to see if you can swap a few days. Maybe that's just me. Of course, if she's doing this every couple of weeks, then I don't think you should put up with it, but occasionally isn't bad, b/c there will come a time you might need to ask her to swap.

She has new hair style, all new clothes. This 38 WW looks 25 now. I get to stand there and pretend like I'm not even interested in any of that. I just said okay guys " have fun and drive safe" and off they went. So it [censored] not being able to load up and go with them. She's looking all good now. Why does life have to throw you down so hard.

Hummmm…….okay, well what did she see when she looked at you? Were you looking hot, with a new hair cut, smelling sexy with a new cologne, sporting new clothes, and looking as if you were ready to hop in the car and go have a fun time as soon as she left with the kids? Did you know your attitude is totally different when you are all ready to go out on the town? The other person who stops by your house, can just tell by the way you look and act that you are going out. Is that what she saw? I hope she didn't see a sad dad who was looking rather pitiful as she pulled out of the drive way.

For now I am going to "let it be". Let her go enjoy her new feelings and new life I guess.

Yep, b/c what else can you do? She is going to do what she wants, with or without your blessings.

I keep being told she is living a fantasy and it will eventually come to an end some day. They say she is living on her scattered emotions. Some days its hard for me to believe this. Ive also been told that it will take something big to break her out of the "fog".

I'll bet there is something else you've been told. This all takes time. Much more time than the LBH thinks it will take. I'm talking many months. So, stop waiting for the other shoe to hit the floor, and start living your own life apart from her. This is not anti-DBing advice, BTW. The sooner you can let her go and let the M go (emotionally/mentally), the sooner things will start to change. However, there's a kicker. You have to do it for real.

I know my best chances are to step back and let her have complete freedoms. I thought she already had that when we were together.

She wants freedom like comes with being single. Freedom to date openly, or to sleep with whomever she chooses.

I went swimming with 2 of my kids last night where we used to go as a family. Now I look around at other families saying to myself.."yep that was me last year" Now Im just a heartbroken SOB wishing I had it all back.

And some of those married people were probably wishing they were single and could do whatever they wanted without having to consider their spouse's feelings. When we are depressed, we see what we want in others. It's our mental attitude that tells us we are a looser and everyone else are winners. Let me give you a personal experience. I think it was shortly before I stepped over the line and became involved in an Internet A. I was going through a lot of hormonal issues and was feeling old and unattractive. I decided to go to the mall and get my mind off myself. Well, that was a mistake. Everywhere I looked, was youthful, beautiful women. Have you ever noticed the stores don't use photo posters of old women? They use 20 something models, and the apparel is geared for the 20 something bodies. I felt like they were jumping out in front of me. I started looking around the mall to see if there were any customers over the age of 20 something. It was like the Twilight Zone! Now, why was this affecting me so badly, when it never seemed to bother me previously? It was b/c of the way I was feeling about myself.....and my situation.

Does anyone else get the Sunday blues.

After church, do something different than usual. Are you hanging out with any guy friends? Met any new friends at church? Do you have a hobby, want to try something new? This may be your only chance to get to do whatever you want, without having to consider the feelings of someone else.

I feel like me doing the detach has calmed things down a bit. I don't feel like anything bad or worse has happened in over a week.

Might I suggest you stop analyzing and evaluating things on a weekly basis and stretch it out to a monthly basis? You may find it is not as tiring as the weekly grade. When you are analyzing or grading the sitch on a daily/weekly basis, every little bump in the road is going to feel defeating. I think it's b/c subconsciously you are looking for that silver bullet that is going to turn the werewolf back into the human you once knew. As long as you live this way, you will crash & burn long before the wolf changes.

My daughter came across the D papers in WW's car....She then found on her IPAD history that W is planning a trip to Cali in Sept for a few days. So needless to say I am totally bummed out today....

Well, I'm sorry she found those papers. I know you can't just turn off your feelings. And, I know you come here for reassurance. I'm telling you, as a former WW who has been reconciled for 11 years now, that you have to let this stuff go. She has to experience some things before she changes back to her human form again. It's going to take a long time. Going to California has nothing to do with you. Your life is separated from her life. You must cut the emotional rope to all the drama she creates...….b/c there is going to be a lot more! If you will walk away from her, then things will happen faster and you will be in a much better place to handle what you will need to handle when she starts talking reconciliation. At the moment, you could not handle a proposed reconciliation. You'd be so anxious to get her back, you'd take her anyway you could get her...…..and, she'd be gone within a week. This separation period can be used as your boot camp training to prepare you for reconciliation, and piecing back the MR. Very few newcomers have any idea of what is required when piecing with a WW. So, use this time wisely. ((hugs))

What GAL activities do you have planned?