WAS or WHAT 11

[roist]

Yesterday we almost had our "annual" R talk. We have one a year the last few years!

Tuesday evening I had a weekly evening activity which is usually Wednesday but exceptionally was Tuesday this week.I mentioned this twice to W and once in text message on Monday. Tuesday evening I prepare to go and W is surprised because it's Tuesday! It was apparent she had a bad afternoon with kids and was surprised I was leaving. Pre crisis I would have stayed but part of my personal goals is to attend this activity. W was quite when I got home, so I went to bed early because I was tired. She stayed up later than usual

Yesterday she got up late and was zombie like. Shortly after she retreated back to our room. I went to check on her. She brought up how she didn't sleep well. How she watched two crappy films. How I made noise when asleep and how she heard me prepare breakfast for the kids woke her. I defended briefly my unavoidable breakfast noises and tried empathy. She continued about her bad day the previous day and why she was upset that I left, though she didn't criticise my leaving. Amidst the woe is me comments, some interesting comments were made:
# I seem to have a memory problem but it doesn't bother anyone but me. This is interesting because it's the first time she hasn't insisted that I didn't tell her. So I wasn't the scapegoat. It also highlights that she see's distinction within herself.
# I have so many problems I only want solutions. Although projected towards me as it being me to solve, it's also s rare occasion for her to verbalise that all isn't well for her. Plus she seeks solutions. Good starting point for her to heal imo. I won't be jumping in to solve though I am interested in hearing more
# is there any point in discussing problems, as that didn't work before. I asked if not discussing them have better results? A few comments about discussions being fruitless in the past. I replied that past results don't mean future ones cant be better. She asked how/why. I suggested we could take a different approach. She said to go ahead. I said I can't instigate an approach to something you haven't mentioned.(she never specified any specific issues/problems)
# I broke the conversation to check on my son who came downstairs. When I came back she asked if that was more important than this. I said I didn't chose priorities. I made sure all was okay and that he wasn't listening in. I added that with three kids in the house and someone expected shortly that this may not be the best time for a discussion. I proposed that we come back to it when no other distractions.She replied that doesn't work for us. I asked had she another suggestion. No.

Then the conversation ended with the arrival of someone yo the house.

There were other comments but through the sense of helplessness there seemed to be a genuine search f9r answers within her. I imagine she has a long path to go, but does deem to be soul searching. It could well be a way of trying to put the focus back on her as she is no longer center stage. Time will tell. Before this crisis and even early on I would have put myself under pressure to come up with a solution. I feel no pressure. I am still on observer mode. But I have outlined it here as a record for me and also to see what others think/advise.

I have the impression that this has been building up over recent months. In the build up to our crisis W would often.have said she doesn't (or shouldn't) spell out what I should do. I can understand that but in our current situation I am beyond playing games. I won't be guessing nor mind reading. If she wants to discus anything she is going to have to clearly put it on the table.

There is a chance this will die away for s few months to be hinted at again. If so, So be it. I will propose my availability to listen and discuss if she wants to develop on what she started yesterday. Yesterday evening she said not now. In our M I had a poor record on getting back to her on important stuff so I am willing to show that has changed, but I will leave her in the driving seat.

Thanks for reading

Best wishes