Dear Gordie! You re not a party of one in that! You definitely could not do it as a party of one. That's humanly impossible. That's what Christ is for. Just ask him everyday, and tell him you can't do it. Tell him to sand away that hard layer of expectation and that other hard layer of doubt. Ask Him for patience when you have none. Tell him you can't forgive and that you know He can.
Lately I have been realizing so much that when we are in exile like this, from our marriages, the return from exile is not the restoration of our marriage, as I had thought. It's the decision to continue to do God's will. If you think of someone living through the Holocaust or through some of the atrocities going on in the world today, how did they continue to walk in faith? Not by seeing their circumstances change.
I think I have realized that I never really wanted to be obedient to God unless it meant I could get what I want. Now I am investigating what it really means to walk in the light even when darkness surrounds me. I don't know what is going to happen but I do know that God gives me a courage I never had when I think in this way.
Anyway, the point is, you are not alone and you can never rely on yourself to be able to forgive. Maybe reread Paul talking about still doing the things he hates and what conclusion he comes to?
My son keeps coming in to show me designer clothes he wants to sell on eBay and I keep trying to write this so I had better shut it down and give that boy my full attention even though it's almost 2 in the morning -- or so that we will both go to sleep!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
