No more denial, time to get to work

[MRay]

It's been awhile, so I thought I'd post an update just in case anybody cares and it's probably good for me to write some of this down. I've been doing great. Went backpacking for a week with my friends and I'm continuing to workout and get a life! My kids are doing far better than I ever thought they would. They are such wonderful, resilient little things.

STBXW and I remain good friends. We talk about everything except significant others. We had trouble setting healthy boundaries for awhile, but it's getting better. We still have meals together every so often, which is great for the kids. She's been with OM for a couple months now, and I'm starting to see some cracks there. First, they haven't told anybody. Only each of their best friends and I know. They went on a vacation together and she asked me not to tell her parents she was out of town. I had to know because it meant I would have the kids on her normal days. I think it's pretty amusing. The best part is knowing they were sleeping in the same bed together and I didn't care one bit.

The second thing that amused me was the other day I dropped S3 off with her, and she was painting her bedroom and bathroom new colors. She had to bring me back there and show me and she was all excited. I only have two triggers that I know of at the moment, and the house is one of them. The other is seeing her put so much effort into having a good life now when she put in so little effort before. So both of these triggers were hit, and I got a little emotional. I tried to hide it, but after 16 years you know each others looks. So I took D6 to run some errands and get her everything she needed for her new dance classes. STBXW texted me asking if I was okay. I responded telling her that I was doing very good. I told her about my triggers, and that I'm sure eventually they wouldn't bother me either. I told her I was actually very proud of her for finally doing things to make herself happy, which is the truth. She responded with only "I really am very sorry." I told her not to be sorry. This is all a good thing, and I talked about finding myself and living a life that I am proud of.

When I returned to drop off D6, she had the look. You know that look they get when you've done something to really upset them. I told her I know that look, what's wrong? But I got the classic, "nothing." So out of habit I said something like I know something is wrong. If I did something to upset you just say so. Then she said, "Yes, I'm upset. You did nothing wrong. This isn't about you. I have a lot going on in my life right now, and you don't need to know about it." She was right! I didn't! I know she's been unhappy with her mom lately, and I said something along the lines of her mom would calm down and everything will be alright. She was very short with me and said, "I haven't talked to her in over a week." So I just wished her good luck with everything and left. The only thing I could think of is that she's angry with OM about something. School is starting back up, and my guess is one of them wants to tell their friends/coworkers and the other doesn't. I don't really know. I don't really care. I am just so amused at seeing her so angry with somebody else. I've never seen her have that look and it not be about me! I don't know why I find it so amusing. I just do.

I've tried dating, and wow is it complicated. There's lots of interest there, but I've realized I'm just not ready, and it's not because of STBXW. I fell pretty hard for a girl, lets call her Anna, that I've known about 8 months now and she fell for me too. The problem is she's 25 and wants to get married and start a family soon, and my marriage won't legally end until January. That really scared her, and she didn't like the timing of everything. We didn't talk for a month or so, but then STBXW brought up dance lessons for D6. Well, Anna is a dance teacher, and the studio STBXW chose is the one Anna works at. Fantastic right? I figured there are like 15 teachers at the school, what's the chance the class they choose is one of hers? Well, of course D6 chose a class that Anna happens to teach. I texted Anna and asked her if she would be comfortable with this. I wanted to give her a heads up, and let her know that I was not responsible for choosing the studio/class, and I am not stalking her. She laughed about that and said she doesn't think I'm stalking her. I asked a few more questions about what I would need to get for D6, and she answered them. When I tried to end the conversation, she started asking about me and what I've been up to. Since then we've been talking some, so we'll see what comes of that. I know that me still being legally married really bothered her, so I don't plan to pursue her until after my divorce is final. I definitely plan to pursue something at that point though. I have gone on some dates with other women since we stopped talking, but I just don't feel like it anymore. I had set up one of the dates, and was really excited for it. Then after I talked with Anna I just didn't care about the date at all. I realized I'm definitely not over her, so now I'm not trying to date anymore. What is meant to be will be.

Basically, I'm enjoying life. Catching up with old friends, making new friends, having fun experiences, doing things that I want to do. I enjoy my kids when I have them, and STBXW is a much better mom now, so I know they enjoy their time with her as well. To end, life is good.