Advice on my Scenario Pt. 22

[OrangeK]

Sorry, its just frustrating answering the same question multiple times.

I get that the theme here is Divorce avoidance and saving MR.

That was my original intent when coming here.
I have had to process a lot of emotion since joining in April.

I have since given up on the possibility of R, at least with avoiding D.

My EX would have to go through a lot of personal journey before we could consider R, and I likely wouldnt want to then anyway. She has a LOT of personal issues to A. Realize, and B. work on overcoming.
As do i. Im just glad ive gotten past A. Realization.

I have not been the best DBer by a long shot, i have a lot to work on myself, as well as lingering pain and hurt from EX.

What my goal is now is to get D over with, and let the dust settle. I dont want an enemy for life, i wanted a life with this woman, now i do not, but i dont want a nemesis either.
I just want things to get to the point a lot of divorced people here have, a calm, easy going situation where we barely have to deal with eachother, and when we do, it is not a pissing contest.
that is all i seek.
I still regret the loss of my MR, but it is what it is.
S3 is the one paying the price now, and i cannot abide that.
He never asked for any of this.

[ovrrnbw]

I just cannot fathom the vilification of me (the LBH).
Its like she projects all of her guilt, remorse, and bad decisions onto me like her crap choices were my fault.
She knows she did this, its not like our MR went toxic over the course of 15-30 years.
It was fresh and new, so there wasnt time to build the slow hatred i see in MLC affairs.

How does one justify the hatred when they know they are the ones at fault?

You make yourself the villain. She cheated, when are you going to think about letting it go so you can get on with your life?

You poke the bear in every conversation with her then find a way to justify it. Either you want to act mean or you don't. Your actions show more than your words here. That's why she is vindictive towards you.

She got excited talking about her child, probably not b/c she was talking to you.

[Ginger1]

What my goal is now is to get D over with, and let the dust settle. I dont want an enemy for life, i wanted a life with this woman, now i do not, but i dont want a nemesis either.
I just want things to get to the point a lot of divorced people here have, a calm, easy going situation where we barely have to deal with eachother, and when we do, it is not a pissing contest.
that is all i seek.

We are telling you how we got there. We communicate minimally, we not P/A, we keep it to yes or no answers, we don't poke the bear, we don't react when we are poked (most of the time) and we take all personal emotions out of our communications and stick to the kids.

We are telling how to achieve it. We all lived it. Why not just say "it seems to have worked for your guys, I'll give that technique a shot?" Which only shows results when you can be consistent.

What do you have to lose by trying it?

[OrangeK]

I guess i just cant say "Oh well that sucked, time to forget about it and move on"

The complacency i see here is astounding, it takes emotional fortitude i apparently do not have and evidently never will.

I have no clue how any of you can just, never bring up the thousands of horrid things that were done to you by people you were supposed to trust, and just chalk it up as a loss and act like everything is normal.

Time and time again it is shown that EX isnt the issue, apparently I am.
You all have seemingly agreed that I am the odd man out here, and i cannot seem to do the things that i need to do to move on from this.
I'm not trying to be sarcastic at all, that was a 100% sincere statement.

This whole clusterf**k seems like a giant "Damned if you do damned if you dont" scenario.

Im just done. I got nothing left. Im trying and it isnt working.
Best to know when to just give up and stop fighting the tide.

[OrangeK]

I havent been able to detach, regulate my emotions, my thoughts or manage communication well with her at all.

I pissed everyone here off. I pissed my family off. Ive almost lost my job over it.

I am weak, and she is just..........heartless. Couldnt care who perishes in her wake.

Im done pissing people off. Im done discussing this, im done asking for advice, im done giving a S**t.

I guess ill just do what i do, see how things go and the chips will fall where they do.

maybe i get F**ked in the divorce, maybe not, maybe i lose custody, maybe not, maybe i lose my job, become homeless, whatever. Better than being dead i suppose.

I just ran out of give a sh*t, really. Im glad for all of you that have healed, moved on, done well. Wish i could be part of that group. But ill stop wasting bandwidth.

[Ginger1]

You seriously think we aren't affected emotionally by what happened to us? Are you really going to simplify it and say we just talk it up to a loss and act like nothing is wrong? I still cry myself to bed sometimes. I make sacrifices I never imagined. I'll tell my ex to go f$ck him self, in my head. I go to the gym and I go nuts.

I am just done trying to change what I have no control over. I simply live to do WHATEVER it takes to make my daughter's life better within my control. And keeping simple communication with my ex and not being passive aggressive lets that happen. Because who is going to benefit from me being a dick to him? He won't care, he'll back away, my daughter will suffer, and I am still no where different than where I was.

I bring it up when I need to with my IC. I b!tch to my friends sometimes. I just don't let it control my life.

We aren't feelingless. We just learned how to play the hand we are dealt.

[TBSakaJ9]

OK - I cried my eyes out every morning and every night for about 3 months straight. I cried my eyes out in the middle of the day sitting at my desk at work. I had to tell my team and I sat in conference with them I couldn't even get the words out of my mouth.....I just cried.

My oldest will remember, she still struggles with it. They were 8 and 6 when all of this went down. The good news is that your son will never remember. Everyone here has lost something, some more than others.

There are times where I hate my XW....like when she got her boob job, when she told me she had a BF, when she introduced my kids to her BF, when she seems as though she doesn't have a care in the world, when she seems that her life is so great, when I see her smile, etc. etc. etc.

What the fuch am I going to do about it????????????? Not a fuching thing.

At some point in time you have to reach down deep and fuching nut up......I just got tired of everything. It fuching wore me out and I refused to chase her and give her any satisfaction or power over me.

You made people mad because you refused to listen and you were not making progress with moving forward. Eventually people stop commenting because it feels like they are wasting their time.

DBing is a battle against yourself....it is not a battle against your W.

[OrangeK]

Ginger, No i dont think that. I just dont get how you can all compartmentalize the way you do.
I cant seem to ever keep it at bay. It never goes away, its always in my head.
All the GAL in the world doesnt make it go away.


I cannot seem to move past the pain inflicted remorselessly. Over the lie of a MR, and relationship, over the cold, cold discard. It is inhuman to me what she did, and continues to do.
All the while acting like she did nothing wrong.

I also feel like there are no options. full Catch 22.

If i just do nothing, she wins (and SHE Is the one viewing this in terms of winning and losing)
If i stand my ground, i am the [censored] she portrays me to be, and she wins.
If I try to be nice and accommodating, she gets what she wants and can take advantage of me. She wins.

i dont feel like any option leads to a good outcome, so how am i to choose a path?

She twists everything to her advantage, she has a way to take ANY situation and make me feel like an idiot and a sucker.
How the hell do i move past that?

Even a seemingly positive exchange like the one earlier, ends with me feeling....violated and weak. Stupid and easily taken advantage of.

Some of my family encouraged me to "take my power back" and cut his hair, i opted instead to talk to her about it, and she said she would do it, and specifically asked his hair to be cut short because it is what HE wants.
I have a distinct feeling it will get cut the same way it did last time.
If i took him to do it myself without discussing it with her it would have turned into a huge fight.

Im glad you all can provide examples of you and your EX's communicating amicably and agreeing on simple matters, i would do that if i could, but everything gets turned into a federal case by her, even a simple thing like a haircut.

How am i supposed to avoid all these landmines while still walking across the field?
Im missing some piece of the puzzle and its killing me.

[OrangeK]

OK - I cried my eyes out every morning and every night for about 3 months straight. I cried my eyes out in the middle of the day sitting at my desk at work. I had to tell my team and I sat in conference with them I couldn't even get the words out of my mouth.....I just cried.

It has been 10 months since i learned of affair, this still happens to me.
Why? after all this time?? Not from missing her either, just from the pain of HOW she fuc*ed me over, the cold, evil way she has done what shes done. It Effing hurts. I gave my whole life to her and she pissed on it.

My oldest will remember, she still struggles with it. They were 8 and 6 when all of this went down. The good news is that your son will never remember. Everyone here has lost something, some more than others.

Ive lost a brother to addiction, and it didnt hurt like this for this long. I feel guilty that EXW has hurt me for so much longer and deeper than losing a sibling did. WTF is wrong with me??

There are times where I hate my XW....like when she got her boob job, when she told me she had a BF, when she introduced my kids to her BF, when she seems as though she doesn't have a care in the world, when she seems that her life is so great, when I see her smile, etc. etc. etc.

What the fuch am I going to do about it????????????? Not a fuching thing.

How the FUG do you compartmentalize that? once the "Snowball" of my anger starts rolling down the hill, it consumes my whole mind. there isnt ROOM for anything else, let alone to pack it away and compartmentalize it.
I know there isnt anything i can do, about what happened or what is happening, but damn does it eat away at me.

At some point in time you have to reach down deep and fuching nut up......I just got tired of everything. It fuching wore me out and I refused to chase her and give her any satisfaction or power over me.

That is what i thought ive been doing, then something as simple as cutting my sons hair without discussing it with her filled me with.......fear. I was frikkin afraid to incite her wrath. Big Pu**Y move on my part IMHO. And now she has the sense of power, yet again.

You made people mad because you refused to listen and you were not making progress with moving forward. Eventually people stop commenting because it feels like they are wasting their time.

DBing is a battle against yourself....it is not a battle against your W.

Well im losing the battle.

[Ginger1]

Had another convo with EX. I decided to discuss the haircut with her instead of just doing it.

Started off by me mentioning that he has done a great job learning to swim

EX: "Yea he talked about that a lot on Sunday night when my dad dropped him off after picking him up. He sounds like he had a great weekend up there. Mentioned staying with Grandma, Auntie and Uncle. He kept asking "where dada went" "did dada go to work". I just changed the subject as i didnt know if you actually stayed up there with him or if you left."

ME: "Yea, hes a great swimmer now, no fear. just jumps right in.
His hair is getting long again, he has asked to "have it short like dada". I wasnt going to go as short as my hair is, but he wants it short and out of his eyes. Would you like to take him or do you want me to?

Also, i stayed with him at the beach house the whole weekend so im not sure why he mentioned that. I left when your dad came by to pick him up, thats it"

EX: "I can setup an appointment for his hair when I Get into work. He has gotten comfortable for the girl there that cuts his hair. Weird, he tells me he wants it longer lol.
Im not saying you didnt stay up there all weekend, i just want to let you know what S3 was saying"

Me: "Im Sure...

Well its in his eyes, he asked me to cut it short, and hes old enough to decide for himself so Id like to see him get what he wants"

EX: "Agreed, i already said id make the appointment. Headed into work now so Ill make one when im in"

ME:

"Im just making sure it gets cut shorter than last time.
Also, your BF could have bought a bed instead of a powerwheels"

EX: "Well the bed at my mothers house works perfectly fine so, no, he doesn't need to buy a bed. Im going into work now *OK Hand Emoji* BYE"

Me: "Sure. Whatever. Not a big deal.

How about potty training? He has been making leaps and bounds at home and at school. How about with you?

EXWIFE, I saw you last week driving from OM's house direction in the morning, all three of you going to drop S3 off at school. Plus S3 talks about sleeping there all the time. Like often, Please just be honest about our child. We are never going to be able to be an effective co parenting team if we arent honest with each other. i really dont see the point on making this harder on eachother. Theres no reason for us to have this animosity between us. The relationship is over, we have both moved on. I harbor no ill will and hold no grudges. All i care about is effectively communicating so we can properly parent our son. I wont bring up the CO-Sleeping at OM's anymore, what you choose to do when you have our son is your choice, even if i disagree with it. I just want peace and ease for S3. That is all.

Have a good day at work and a good weekend. I will talk to you Monday or Tuesday to solidify plans for when S3 doesnt have school at the end of the month. I hope things are going well for you. Have a good one, Bye.

EX: "I guess we are on different pages with school and potty training. the notes ive gotten say he has used the potty once or twice, thats all. I will catch up with them when i am next at the school.


In regards to you seeing us last week, yes i know. I saw you drive by. We were there early, leaving OM's truck at his house before dropping S3 off at school before leaving that morning for a couple of days, which we used OM's car for.
Im still not sure why he apparently frequently says he sleeps there. He asks me to and i tell him his bed is at my mothers. HE has fallen asleep there a few times on the couch after playing or not having a nap, and i bring him home and put him to bed. Also this is not me saying he does sleep there so please dont twist it that way. but in response to your "he could have bought a bed" Comment, just for the record there is also an entire extra bedroom there in OM's house.

ME: "School said he used the potty all day yesterday. Only one wet diaper.

As you Say EXWIFE,
Well, Congrats.
Enjoy your weekend."

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Couple of points.

Why grill me about whether or not i was at the beach house? that didnt have anything to do with the other points of the conversation.

Glad to get a solid copy of a text of her acknowledging the fact that S3 is at OM's house a lot.
I will bring up the exposure to affair partner in court during divorce hearing.
Its widely known introducing affair partners to kids is bad for development, and OM has been around S3 since last summer.

Any thoughts on this convo anyone?