Advice on my Scenario Pt. 22

[OrangeK]

I guess i just dont understand how the "YES, NO" only communication will ever lead to a more open, less contentious co-parenting situation. It seems to me that that would just maintain the existing level of animosity from her end.
Can someone explain how this is beneficial not stagnant?

Im honestly not sure why she is still harboring such vitriol towards me.
She is the one who wanted out, who had a hidden affair for 8 months, who lied, and cheated, and left our home, disrupted our life, all just to chase her Limerant Object.
So why am i the perpetual bad guy for originally wanting to fix our MR, and now just for standing my own ground and acting in S3's best interest.
It doesn't make sense to me.

[OrangeK]

How does the WW maintain the mentality that the LBH is 100% the bad guy when all he ever did was try to save his family? Its terribly confusing. (generalizing here, as Sandi and i have discuss how my EX is not truly a WW, but closest comparison)

[Ginger1]

Yes no communication may not lead to open nice communication, but it will cut out all of the passive aggressive stuff that seems to get either of you no where.

OK- S3 needs his haircut, would you like to have it done at your place? He's been complaining about having it in his eyes.

EX- Sure, I'll make the apt when I get in.

Done. That's it. No more. Sometimes when convos go like this without finger pointing and P/A comments, which both of you are guilty of, maybe neither will be more hesitant to communicate more openly. But each of you know the other is going to come back with SOMETHING, so the whole things starts off on the defense.

This is why "yes/no" works.

What you are doing right now is stagnant, not beneficial.

[OrangeK]

I just cannot fathom the vilification of me (the LBH).
Its like she projects all of her guilt, remorse, and bad decisions onto me like her crap choices were my fault.
She knows she did this, its not like our MR went toxic over the course of 15-30 years.
It was fresh and new, so there wasnt time to build the slow hatred i see in MLC affairs.

How does one justify the hatred when they know they are the ones at fault?

[TBSakaJ9]

OK - You have to change the dynamic, IMO you as the man have to set the tone, as a man that is your responsibility and IMO you continue to set the wrong tone. YES/NO gives you both an opportunity for a break from each other and all the long conversations. If you do this I guarantee you over time she will drop her guard but it won't happen as long as you continue to poke holes in her stories or look for ways to needle her or get a rise. You have to consistently stick to the plan.

You take a break for a while but then you end up cycling back to the same thing. There is no action that you can take that will change your W so the action you take is NO ACTION.

She will never admit anything to you about anything she is feeling, her weaknesses, her thoughts........nothing. Deep down inside she knows what she did was wrong but every time you do what you do with these interactions it helps re-affirm her decision or it makes it right in her eyes.

[TBSakaJ9]

Also...on the haircut. You can make it a big deal if you want to make it a big deal. I could give a $hit less about my daughters on their haircuts......it is not a hill I am willing to die on.

[OrangeK]

Also...on the haircut. You can make it a big deal if you want to make it a big deal. I could give a $hit less about my daughters on their haircuts......it is not a hill I am willing to die on.

Why do you think i offered her the option to do it herself rather than my original plan to just do it myself, which would have caused her to flip her lid. It would have been a big argument. I handed that off so it didnt go south.

I specifically chose not to die on that hill.

[AnotherStander]

Orange, your son is 3, he's not a reliable source of info. You can't use his words against your W in a court of law. Talk to your L about whether S3 sleeping in OM's bed is info that would help in court, if it is then ask your L if you should hire a PI to gather evidence that it is taking place. You're wasting your time trying to get W to admit it and just building animosity between the two of you. Here is what I think, I think your L will tell you that it doesn't amount to a hill of beans in court because you're already separated. And if it doesn't, then you just need to let it go. I completely understand that you don't like it and why, but the long and short of it is you two are practically divorced (you are already calling her your ex) and as such, what she does with S3 when she has custody is completely out of your control (unless he's being harmed in some way).

Also your entire conversation with her was the very definition of passive/ aggressive. This is something we've mentioned before that you really need to work on, and it sure doesn't seem like you've made strides on that. I can't remember if you're seeing an IC but if not I would highly encourage you to do so and bring up this particular subject with them.

[OrangeK]

Here is how i feel

If i do YES/NO only communication, the grudges and everything will just stay where its been at.

If i continue to be persistent in demanding responsibility and so on, we will endlessly fight.

If i just play mr nice guy, she will walk all over me.

I cannot see a course of action that would result in fair, even, calm and honest communication.

im flummoxed here. I will readily admit what i have been doing doesnt and isnt working. I have been letting my emotions steer the ship and that hasnt worked out well.
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I guess my question is this, where she is still so vindictive towards me (except for right now....weird, see below)

They say true hatred is close to apathy.
It feels to me that if she truly hated me she would be cold and silent,
As opposed to this often hot, angry and argumentative responses.
This feels to me like she has A LOT of unprocessed emotions still.

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Oddly, Here is the last piece of the convo that i didnt post earlier.
10:30am

ME: "One last thing, where and when do you want to plan to do pickups and drop offs during the week he doesnt have school? So i can try and plan and make the schedule you proposed work for me?

He was dissapointed to learn he wasnt going to be going to my parents house"

EX: "Thats great about school" (referring to me mentioning he used the potty a lot at school yesterday earlier in the conversation)

ME: "Yep, Well shoot me proposed pickup / dropoff places whe nyou think of it,

He has been a delight all summer. He is one amazing Kid."

EX: "He really is incredible, and hes been so hilarious too! Always has me laughing and is co caring. Have you noticed how he plays with his toys and makes them talk and help eachother out and stuff? So cute!!
As for proposed meetups, i supposed it would depend who would have him that thursday before i reccomend options, just like on sundays where you can pick him up at my moms on tuesday and ill get him from your house on Thursday? Im open to ideas"
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She swaps moods like a lightswitch. Weird....

[OrangeK]

Yes, for the 76th time. I am seeing IC.

I will bring it up with her.