I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

LW, I dont disagree with you about not getting to play the me first card when you have children. Actually, I dont think ones life is lived in the most fulfilled way by putting me first in general, but thats just my opinion. There are sort of two different mes....the sort of outside one which should be as unselfish as possible, but there is also the internal one that needs to be protected and this is the self I mean when I say, for instance, I need to be true to myself. Does that make sense?? Circumstances would have to be pretty extreme for me to agree with someone leaving their marriage when they have kids. I view my circumstances as pretty extreme and I dont see myself as insisting on being first (even though I do believe spouses should place one another first). My H has already left the M and knowing that has made it next to impossible to back to living as a happy family the way we once were. I have a lot of guilt for not being able to ignore what I know and somehow get back to where we were. But I am human and I just cant pretend and it has nothing to do with a need to be first or even a need to be happy. Its more of a need to LIVE, period and be true to that inner me that says there is something very wrong with the way my H is treating me. As for the atmosphere inside the home, H and I have a lot of power struggles about anything and everything that I might have an opinion about and my R with my children is also very heavily influenced by H. Even still though, if H said hed had a change of heart or wanted to try again or wanted to go to counseling or showed any signs of wanting to R, I would. But short of that, how does one proceed in this situation?