From what you writer just a while ago, I didn't see her asking to take anal steps. She texted "small steps are unacceptable?" That is not her asking and/or telling you that she wants to take small steps. That is her temp checking you.
And it worked. Within an hour you think that she wants to take small steps. That was a text, a reaction text bc her feelings are hurt bc you didn't respond to her stuff.
I can promise you, you need more than a text from her asking about taking small steps to tebuild.
You two would be talking face to face about that. Not a text message with 5 words.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
I know you may think I just need to listen and do what you say and maybe Id actually have my family together by now. Espcially you Steve I wonder what would of happened if I had stopped texting said no support unless court ordered etc months ago.
I know you may be frustrated with me or want to smack me etc. But you have no idea how much your support and advice means to me.
Being a successful guy in most ways life was easy for me. W leaving was hard, S was hard. Emotional intelligence is something Im way behind on. I really never worked on myself until a year ago when she left. So yea Im a work in progress and may be behind... You should see me public speaking, addressing parents or athletes, or on the lacrosse field... Im working on it and willing and able to listen, learn and do as advised.
Thanks again.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, not at all. If you followed every word of advice to a tee, none of us has a clue if you'd have your family back. BUT what you would have is self-respect, love for yourself, your needs a priority, your emotional security, and you'd be ready to move on in life with or without her.
DBing advice isn't about saving your R, though sometimes it has that awesome benefit. It is about saving the LBS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Youre all right. This morning she texts me why are you ignoring me its hurtful.
I said youre at the beach for D3s birthday trip whats hurtful. I dont want to communicate by text if you want to talk to me pick up the phone. (We have communicated mostly only by text since S - which I hate) I have no need for a texting relationship with an occasional hug from my wife that left or breakfast invites...
(response an hour later) "I am sorry you feel I am being hurtful, I've just been very busy today."
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She said small steps are unacceptable?
(response) "I am not sure what you mean, if you mean towards reconciliation then there are many steps that need to take place before I can consider that, and insignificant texting is not one of them."
She should not assume reconciliation is her choice and a foregone conclusion. YOU are the prize here, you need to be MUCH LESS AVAILABLE to her. Not sure how many people need to tell you this before it sinks in, maybe one more
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Im getting really fed up with it. Im going to heed the advice and just not text, respond less etc.
Baby sitter. Remember-babysitter. Would you hug the baby sitter when she asked for one? Would you send the babysitter videos at 1130 pm? Would you send "thanks for the apology"- nope. The babysitter doesn't know enough about you to make assumptions and have to apologize.
Yeah, like a 15 year old babysitter! What would you say if a teenage babysitter said, "Do you want a hug?" Seriously???
You must get something in your head. Before you can get her back, you've got to let her go. That means that you have to let go of the marriage (emotionally/mentally). Stop trying to save it. Until you stop, every interaction with her screams of nice guy pursuit. You've got to stop it. Stop trying to be nice and polite, b/c you can't handle it. She can even see that it's not natural. Just settle for being civil.
Look, maybe we over emphasize about not being cold. (I think I'm going to start telling nice guys to be colder to their WW, b/c you guys go overboard. ) You think you're being cold when you don't respond to every text she sends! If you weren't interested in her, you wouldn't give her the time of day. And the guy she dumped shouldn't give her the time of day! The minute you stop, she'll be chasing you down the street. You won't be able to keep her away. In the meantime, she is going to constantly temp check...….which is not the same as pursuing. Temp checking is her way of keeping you emotionally attached to her. In other words, it's a form of manipulation. She only wants you whenever it's convenient for her....and on her terms. So anyway, you wanted to know how to get your family back, and I've tried to tell you that's how it's done when you have a spoiled, wayward, wife.
There was another poster by the name of Chris (we've had several new Chris's to come since then), and his W sounded very much like yours. Of course, Chris was a nice-guy, too, so it was really difficult for him to not jump every time she said frog. He would post every time she sent him a text. Like, he didn't know how not to be nice! But all she was doing was temp checking him. It took a long time for him to finally believe us, and see her for himself. Then, he had to get the courage to simply not walk into the spider's web. I think what helped him more than anything else, was when he started hanging out with an old pal of his. Men need to spend time with other men (without any women). Chris was successful in business, but after marriage, his life revolved around his spoiled, bratty, wayward W. He wasn't spending any guy time with friends. Since I've been on the board, I have seen this a lot in the stories I've read. Women need to bond with other women, and men need to bond with other guys.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Last edited by Cadet; 08/16/1803:41 PM. Reason: Link
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
) You think you're being cold when you don't respond to every text she sends! If you weren't interested in her, you wouldn't give her the time of day. And the guy she dumped