Patience, DB, Detach... piecing or divorce

[Loves77]

Can I ask something?

You have like 4-5 people telling you to not respond. You seem to follow. Your wife reacts the way we say, which is texts more, we say don't respond. So you don't.

Then you ask about texting the next morning. Why on earth do you ask that? You know what we are going to say. You already know. DONT TEXT HER.

I'm gonna be honest with you. At this point, I believe that you create reasons to connect with her. All hat face timing and saying good night.

If you continue, there will be no change. I understand it is a complete different approach than you are used to , but 1+1=2. You are already seeing results to what's we are saying, and but seem as though you don't.

I wish I knew you in person. I'd be smacking you. Lmbo. In. A friend way of course. And I'd love a "hitch" job. I think I'd be great at it. Hahaha.

[Did]

Youre all right. This morning she texts me why are you ignoring me its hurtful.

I said youre at the beach for D3s birthday trip whats hurtful. I dont want to communicate by text if you want to talk to me pick up the phone. (We have communicated mostly only by text since S - which I hate) I have no need for a texting relationship with an occasional hug from my wife that left or breakfast invites...

She said small steps are unacceptable?

The she facetimed me to talk to daughter.

Im getting really fed up with it. Im going to heed the advice and just not text, respond less etc.

Yea I know this morning was probably another mistake.

I have not been able to find an IC near me in PA that specializes in NGS

[SteveLW]

Get the book. Visit the website for the book. They have NGS counselors that do phone consultations.

[Phoenix9]

Get the book. Visit the website for the book. They have NGS counselors that do phone consultations.

Quoted for truth. Google it for electronic copy availability. You need that book. I got it two weeks ago and it’s starting to turn my life around.

[Did]

I bought the book, read it months ago. I have it. Will re-read

[Loves77]

You need to do something. You can't even see what is happening.

Every time she asks a question that regards you backing off, you feel the need to remind d her that she left you. If you want this woman to want you, stop reminding her of the things that annoy her.

She is feeling your distance. Let her. Let her experience that without your play by play.

You complain that she needs to grow up, but you continue to coddle her in a way. A grown woman who decides to separate from a marriage does not need to be told why you are distancing yourself. It should be obvious.

You have been separated for a year, correct? And your behavior continues the same, it's what she expects. So stop giving her what she expects. That is what husbands and wives do, the luxury of marriage. Stop telling her why you are doing what you are doing.

Focus on yourself. And September is coming. You already know what that means.

[SteveLW]

Please do. Read it carefully. Not sure how much reading you do of self-help/improvement books, but you should never read those kinds of books like you do a novel. Make sure you understand what is being conveyed. Look at it objectively. Be honest with yourself and have an open-mind to what the author is saying.

Nice guys with severe cases of NGS like to blow off NGS as "not a problem I have". I'd say most guys have least some aspects of NGS, if not a full blown case.

[Phoenix9]

Using my experience...take notes, highlight stuff. Find an IC and mention that you have been reading a book about NGS and describe to the IC what behaviors Nice Guys exhibit and request that you and IC work on that.

Wait..what does September mean? I don't know!

[Did]

Loves- I agree about distancing myself 100% I slip up for sure. But Im on it. Im not reaching out to her. Im not being as available. Dont remind her that she left me. She has facetimed me multiple times this morning. Including herself being in the picture with D3 in a dress looking pretty da*n good before going to the beach. Usually we just hold phone for D3 to talk.

What about her straight up saying she wants to take small steps? She is obviously interested but I know she wants to take it slow. She also has a lot of sh*t she has to work on / work through. I dont think its the time to set boundaries like you need to IC or we need to do MC or anything... shes at the beach for a few days then its D3 birthday Monday.

I want to rebuild the relationship and saving my marriage / family is a top priority for me... so dont act too interested, dont be too available. Dont be too excited. Let her come to me... but how to respond / react when she says she wants to take small steps? She wants to text me pics of the stars at night and talk about it. I told her to call me I dont want to talk by text all the time... as we have since S and never did before that.

Shes not dating. I have been although nothing serious more just social / friendship for a bite / drinks. I will probably stop dating. Her knowing Im dating would definitely be a big step back in any progress we've made. I think I will get back into IC - talk therapy. I do a more spiritual IC at this point every two weeks and did a lot of talk therapy months ago. Counseling may help me with my decision making / boundaries if we try to build the relationship.

Steves- I readily admit I have NGS and am working on it. I have gotten caught up with moving and a new job so I need to get back into self help and putting time into myself. Things I've focused on are getting my needs met and telling people what I want. I know I am too concerned about other peoples opinions of me and Im manipulative with covert contracts. I catch myself sometimes... work in progress for sure. But I have no problem admitting my faults... something years ago I struggled with.

[Did]

I agreed to pay support for 3 months and then re-evaluate where our relationship was at July, Aug, Sept