Ovrrnbw and LoneWlf, thanks for your responses. It's helpful to hear your recommendations and to understand how men think.
On Friday the project with that guy ended as I wrote and by Saturday I kind of forgot about him per say, although the brief encounter did affect me in many ways.
I'll quickly say however that yesterday morning he did e-mail me about something related to work. It was a legitimate work issue but he cut out everyone else and the issue was more relevant to the president of my company. I don't know if that means anything, but we continue to be in touch, e-mailing back-and-forth. It seems we'll work together more because today his colleague e-mailed us to say he'll (the colleague not the guy I wrote about) be in our city in two weeks and would like to meet to discuss more partnerships.
I don't think anything will happen with this guy though because I think I found his facebook profile and he's likely 5 - 7 years younger than I am. He's single with no kids and even if I get divorced I still have a kid. That would not be a practical situation because I'm not having any more kids and he'll probably want some. There's a difference between what's practical and what is just fun at the moment. If I were to ever get in another relationship it would have to be both practical and there would have be that deeper connection.
Communicating with this guy did bring back many memories from my time in his native country going back 20 years. I felt a lot of sadness the past few days about getting so old and choosing a more conservative path in life. I can see how some of these walkaway spouses want to have fun and be free again although I'd never actually do what they've done. It's just hard when you remember having such a great time when you were so young and now being so old with kids and responsibilities.
A few months ago I found some handwritten letters from a French guy I met when I was studying in Europe. He and I wrote many long letters to one another but we never were in a relationship or made plans to meet again. He always signed them "the French Lover" which was pretty funny. Anyway I found those letters and looked him up on Facebook. He was easy to identify so I scanned and sent him the letters. He was so happy to read them. It was right before people started using e-mail. We really enjoyed remembering that time in our lives. He's married now with kids and invited my daughter and I to visit him and his family in the French country side. I'll definitely go when I'm in the area.
I don't want to bore everyone but perhaps some of you can relate. Especially if you went overseas when you were young and everything was so vibrant and exciting. I've since traveled so much that nothing is really too new anymore.
Anyway I've been trying to challenge myself with the belief I've had that there is no man in this world I could love other than my husband (and one guy who's not available and not an option). That's really how I've felt and probably one of the reasons why it feels like so much is at stake. Especially now turning 40 it's so depressing feeling like I wouldn't be anyone's first choice due to my age. It just seems like everyone man wants a woman in her 20's or early 30's. I'm sure there are men here who will say otherwise but it's still hard adapting to this new reality.
I thought initially that if my husband leaves and after ten years perhaps I'll try to find someone else from his culture but Middle Eastern men are a big risk for Western women. There are so many happy couples from their culture when they marry within their own culture but less examples of them marrying Westerners and staying together. I'm so integrated into that culture so it's hard to imagine a different life but when I met this European guy last week I felt surprised to feel such excitement for someone from that part of the world.
The point is for anyone that's reading is I guess I've constructed a lot of limitations around my belief system and I have a too narrow vision. I'm trying to re-think some of these beliefs although it's not easy to change them. Could I find a guy from that particular European country someday and be happy? Might the fact that men from that part of the world treat women as equals be a refreshing change? I don't know, but I'm trying to envision it. I wonder if anyone else here has successfully changed their own beliefs or assumptions as a result of their spouse leaving?
Another realization is that I have no plans to date or try to meet anyone new, but if it happens unexpectedly I could see myself falling out-of-love with my husband and moving on. In other words, right now I don't think I could want anyone else, or be a good partner to anyone else, because I'm still married and waiting to see how things turn out. Even then if I get divorced I may still feel no one can replace my husband. But this European guy is just so great aside from his age that I feel like I should be more open and honest about meeting new men without automatically writing them off. It's like a mental battle.
My mind flips the other direction and I feel like I can't change the conservative part of me and my religious beliefs to accommodate a liberal European guy who has no problem with sleeping together, moving in together, and being partners without marriage.
That's how it's been the past few days. These continuous thoughts are hard to stop. It's hard to live in-the-moment when the present is so unsettled and unclear. My husband is flying into our city again tonight for a job interview tomorrow and then he'll come to visit our daughter. I can say though that work is going well. I encourage everyone to pursue their dream career if they're not already in it. At least if your marriage fails you can pursue a different type of passion.
