Good thing you purchased the school supplies. A lot of times the MLCer flakes out and you can’t count on them. If it is something that needs to get done, best you do it.
Sorry you got some nasty texts. I think you know it is par for the course.
Good for you to realize that you never know who you are going to get. They do change, and sometimes really quick - like in one sentence.
For you most recent conversation, a little advice / suggestions. Don’t worry you did fine, just some tips for next time.
W why do you gotta always make me look like a bad mom M I am not I am making sure our kids are physically and mentally ok I need to be there lighthouse
Do not argue with her. Pretty much anything that starts with “I am not” is going to increase confrontation. She also doesn’t want an answer, well not the real answer.
Try thinking of her as an angry teenager. Imagine a teen asking “why you always gotta make me look like a bad kids by being in my face about loading the dishwasher?”. So an answer “I am not in your face I am just trying to make the house clean and ensure there are dishes for tomorrow.” Is probably just going to make everyone p!ssed off and not get the dishwasher loaded any better in the future.
Did you notice she how absolute she is? ‘You gotta always”. Really always? Hmmm. It is her view of reality and that is all that matters to her. Validation is a tricky thing.
W you make it seem like am a horrible mom M sorry you feel that way I am just trying my best to keep kids together that's all just trying to be there for them
Good job on acknowledging her feelings. However you telling her how you are trying to keep kids together is too much for her. Don’t worry she knows she is a horrible mom, she can’t face it and is trying to blame you.
Maybe something like “I am sorry you feel that way. I did not realize. What can I do differently?” Of course she may have answered that below.
W says please stop telling kids I had a great childhood you don't know what I went through or gone through. M I am sorry you feel that way. But they are only 10 and 9yrs old I don't think our kids needs to hear your dad is an alcoholic and beat your mom for 18yrs and you where sexually abused by family member, I am sorry they only kids but I also know that one day our children's will have to know the truth but at the moment they are only kids
I get that you want to tell her all that, plus a whole lot more (I know I sure want too with my W). She can’t take it.
She is talking about her childhood. Listen. Really listen. She will tell you lots.
“You are right, I do not know what you went through as a child. I am sorry, I will stop.” That may be a better approach.
W is self centred, selfish, and will not be able to see things from a different viewpoint. Her conversation is about her, it is what she wants to talk about. Validate her as best you can. You don’t have to agree or condone, just make her view valid, to let her know you see her viewpoint.
She is angry. The nasty texts, accusing you of bullying, and so on. It is tough to take. However she does need to get it out of her system. Let her vent. Stay calm, and do not give her any justification. You are doing well with this. If she pushes too far and gets disrespectful you can call her on it and end the conversation.
As I said, you are doing well, that was just some ideas for next time.
Originally Posted by marina7
I just want to hug her and say W your safe with me I got you I promise I won't hurt you or let anyone ever hurt you I am here now I promise. But I know I can't I just have to sit there and maybe if that day ever come the lighthouse light will still be on waiting for her return.
This ^^^. I understand the pain, sorrow, and missing her - I really do. You need to work pass this. There is no easy way, going through it is the only way to the other side.
Do not “I just have to sit there...” -
You keep moving forward.
You live life fully and keep focus on you and the kids.
You work on detachment.
You be the best you will be.
You be that lighthouse.
And most important, You do it for you.
(((marina7)))
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
