Steve…so I would say that what you say about R not being all rainbows/unicorns has been as important to my progression as anything else. I don’t know how to say it really but immediate post-BD I was so “ok so what work do I need to do on myself to get me moved forward”. What I’ve found is that as I’ve gone along other external realities have done more to move me along than my own internal work. By that I mean as a newbie I’m clinging to my MR, but then W starts spewing crazy talk and imaginary women. SHE pushed my detachment/recovery forward. And then I’ve spent alot of time thinking and reading on “ok, if W did come back look at how hard that is going to be!” and that pushed me along to “if there was somebody else, how long will it take W to fully process away feelings for OM AND with that OM forever post-me in her mind, could I ever really be ok with it?”…again that pushes me forward. I hope that makes sense. I mean I came here thinking ok B you and you alone have to pull yourself through this huge growth to survive and what I seemed to find instead was that events from W/thoughts of R actually moved me several pegs up the board in a much faster period of time than I expected.
Now in my sitch I’ve been living split from W for 6 months and like I say she’s basically “died”. That has definitely benefited me by allowing me to live my post-D life, GAL, detach…basically be out of the tunnel so to speak even though I’m not officially there yet. The jealous part of me though would KILL for a chance to see my W, speak with her, do something with her as many of you doing in-house get the opportunity to show your improvements, 180, etc to your W. I get none of that. I live in our house with her ghost, the sounds of our Christmas morning memories, laughter at the footsteps and actions of our D as a baby…and everyday I dress in our bedroom closet and stare at her wedding dress she left behind. There is no better sitch..we all just have to deal with what the good Lord gives us as my Mom likes to say.
I REALLY REALLY struggle these days with exactly what you described Steve. I guess that is the evolution of the board newbie from wanting R at any cost to “Man R is going to be WAY more costly than I realized” to “Do I really want R?” The saddest part in ALL of our sitches to me is how once a WW/WH makes certain choices how terribly hard if down right impossible it is for folks to recover/R from them even if they truly loved their spouse with all their heart. That’s life, it is what it is I get that, but these affairs, destroyed families, etc…sometimes I’m sorry I have to get off this board as the pain I read is overwhelming and the new folks just keep coming. I mourn/pray alot for the newly heartbroken and I mourn even for the folks going through R as I can only imagine the difficulties as Steve alludes to in trying to piece back together an MR. NO ONE here has it easy!
J9…yes with the benefit of time and silence I’ve had the chance to objectively view W and MR. W’s anxiety…I used to try to take the top 3 worries off her list hoping that perhaps if I did, she could flop down beside me, happy, hug on me and relax…but instead you know what…W just moved 3 other things up the list. I could never “DO” her out of her worries and as such she could never relax nor ever be happy I don’t think. I used to only think of depression as a relationship issue, but I’ve been learning how anxiety can be a big issue as well. Also as I’m a very chill kind of guy, I think she resented that when she was all spun up and stressed out, nothing bothered me. Traffic, a spilled milk from D, an unexpected bill, those could all set it off, but to me…no biggie. I truly tried to listen and understand her worries, although at the time I had no idea what validation or empathy really was. As I say I simply tried to take all the worry items off of her to do list. My IC takes it a step further and says that W may have even resented me because no matter how hard she tried she could not get herself as carefree as I was. Anyway yes I have plenty of time to reflect. I WAS happy. Was is ecstatic happy, no…could things have been much better, absolutely…could wife have done things better, yes…was I ready and willing to work with her for the rest of my life on whatever we needed to, absolutely.
Davide…great to hear from you again as well! Best I can say is that I’m the place that my life has put me. By the “luck” of my sitch I’ve basically had no choice but to get where I’m at. I have had a TON of support from friends and family, both male and female. There is no way I’d be as good as I am without them. Also be under no illusions, I still cycle, crash, up/down, etc. I just spend more of my time in a happy center than when all of this began for me. And I know given how my W has been, the complete lack of physical presence/communication/just dropping and disappearing…I will probably never really “get over it” nor get the closure I seek. Somehow though I just have to get through. That’s it…get through. With support, God and time this will pass. I know of your struggles buddy, you are not alone! There is no one on here to be envious of I’ve learned. Keep moving on one day at a time, heck one hour at a time. There’s a youtube video from a preacher talking about making it on broken pieces. Check it out if you can…I’ve taken good vibes from it maybe you can too.
So as for the embers…honestly I’m only assuming on what W feels and we both know what happens when we assume. So…more accurately then I have NO IDEA anything about her feelings. As for myself, there haven’t been any embers for me to stoke in a LONG time. W’s complete silence, along with Steve’s comments on R, my not knowing if there’s OM…again I have NO IDEA my feelings towards W at this time. I know I loved the woman I married, I wanted this marriage, she left…I wanted to work with her to make a new MR, W does not. Honestly Davide I don’t give my feelings on it much thought these days. I fully and totally expect that W will file and D me as soon as she can. Now IF by miracle of God W did come to me saying she changed her mind…again at least initially I’d have NO IDEA. My “comfort” if you can call it that is that 100% for sure she will D me. I don’t want a divorce, but it was her choice to leave, her choice not to work on us and her choice to D. Nothing I can do with that reality. Also my ring…as I say it’s not like a “mood ring” per se. I don’t take it off when mad or put it on when hopeful. It’s place on my finger is more intricate than that. Meh…I loved her Davide, I miss the woman I married, the mother of my sweet D…no lie, straight up truth BUT with so much time, possible damage done (OM?) and absolute silence between us…I just can’t say where I’m at, but I’m accepting and comfortable day to day with that as that is my reality for now.
