So going back to STH’s post on my thread. Basically what he says about his W saying “let’s start over, be friends, date me, include me in the work you do on you” it’s THAT stuff right there that concerned me. As mentioned in my last post W after a few months was “we have no R!” and in truth she was right. It’s not those complete lies/crazy that WW say I’m talking about, but those comments/desires from W that hit me and I guess some others with a level of rationality and truth. Bottom line in my sitch I wanted to do EVERYTHING I could to save my MR and as I say in those moments of analysis/reflection on what I have done, it’s very easy to hear my W’s comment on us not having an R and wondering if I could have/should have done more. The curse of second guessing.
"If only you had done the right thing at the right time, I would have stayed". This is a lie designed to alleviate her own guilt. WAWs and WWs especially lie. That is why we constantly say "Believe nothing she says, and only half of what she does!"
Put no stock into things she says like this. None. The planets could have aligned, you could have turned into Brad Pitt, and your back account could have swollen to a billion dollars, and she still would have walked. They will ALWAYS say there was something else you could have or should have done differently.
Steve, THIS I kNOW. In fact I heard some just straight up DUMB comments on things I could have done from my W. Lest we forget the whole imaginary woman she made up that I was seeing/moving on with. Still would LOVE to know where that woman is!
Stander…hey man I totally understand. As I said in my last post I know you’ve been busy working with the newer members and I’m very happy whenever I see your name popping up on another member’s sitch as I know they are get top notch assistance! I completely agree with J9’s comments that you quoted, although I don’t know if I’m truly a different person than I was less than 6 months ago at BD. I know I’ve been learning/reflecting/counseling/thinking alot about many things in relationships that I never did prior to BD. I think I’m at least a much more aware/tuned in LBH. I think if W ever came around she’d notice the changes in me. Of course as my IC has said “You will be 5 years ahead of her if D comes as she will have done no work on herself to address how she was in the MR.” For me with the separation and basically my W being “dead” to me, for some time now I’ve been living my post-D life and all in all it’s pretty good. In fact it’s been a major impetus in me being able to move forward out of the immediate BD misery and know that I’ll be ok. May not know all the details, but I know I enough such that I sleep fine each night. For me with a prior D, I have already lived through the loss of an MR and come out the other side before to a better place (my current MR). I just NEVER expected that I’d find myself going through another one! I was accepting of one “life mulligan” but two?!?! What makes this one tough is truly I LOVED her, I have a sweet D with her, we had all the pieces…to know that we would have our ups and downs but keeping my willingness to see us through…and for her to just DISAPPEAR? I’m tired man…been married 13 years and will have 2 Ds to show for it…I’d just ONCE like to live in the new house we bought more than 5 years! W just disappearing has taken all of my ability to trust another woman again. Going get’s tough, they just walk away. Thankfully my IC has been reminding me that while yes I was the common denominator in two marriages, they were each unique and so I must remind myself that any new relationship will be unique and in no way like the previous two. Just the ability for folks these days to commit and then walk away and in my sitch…it’s like W shot me dead center in the chest with buckshot, but no hospital to heal the wounds (talk with WW), just go along and let the wounds ooze until they scab over as they are. Anyway…
Ovrrnbw…buddy if you see hope for this sitch and my W is dropping bait, think I’ve said it here before if you are right then I’m Santa Claus!! Anything is possible I give you that, but W is very stubborn so I think D is a foregone conclusion.
Wlf…thank you for stopping by and saying hello and offering your prayers for my family. Truly even now it tears me up with appreciation thinking back about how you told me of saying a prayer for my family at your church. I very much appreciate and admire your humility, spirituality and willingness to help others in need on this board via prayers and your encouragement!
