Steve and I were both just as sad and hurt and miserable and in pain as you, and despite our very different outcomes we're both changed people who are happy and content again. And you will be too! Just be patient with yourself and never give up hope.
Just a comment on this. I just told another poster this. One thing that I need to start stressing is that R is not without its own issues and concerns. It isn't like your WAW says "I want to R" and it is all rainbows and unicorns.
First very few WAWs or WWs just suddenly say "I WANT TO R!" That's not the way it usually goes. Humans are interesting creatures. For instance, once you make a proclamation "I LOVE CHOCOLATE MILK!" you will not back down from that proclamation easily. People can tell you all kinds of things about chocolate milk: "Too caloric. Too much sugar. -insert the usual schpeel anti-milk people give you-" etc. But you've already declared you love it and you will defend it and continue to drink it as much as you can.
WAWs/WWs are like this. "I want a D!" You can give them all kinds of reasons why they shouldn't want D. You can even get them to read the 1st chapter of DB or DR. But guess what, they aren't going to give up on that proclamation easily, and in fact they may not ever actually verbalize it! My W was like this. Though she recommitted to the MR in March it wasn't as if she made a grand announcement that she had changed her mind. Slowly she started to do the things that someone that has recommitted to the MR would do. Even as late as April, when the MC asked point-blank if she had decided to stay in the marriage, she wasn't as forceful in her answer as I would have preferred. But again. all of her actions were towards that. (Action over words, always.)
Second, even after you are in full R you will have trust issues and will wonder about things. I haven't snooped on her since Feb. But if you think there aren't times when I wonder what she is doing on her phone, or who she is in contact with then you are crazy. While the intensity of my trust issues and wondering is diminishing over time, and the time in between is longer and longer, it has still be a struggle at times. I try not to approach her or outward show it. Again, she has been exemplary in this regard. And she has given me her unlock code and is no longer secretive with her phone and tablet use. But it is still a struggle at times, none-the-less!
Third, there will be times when you wonder if you made the right decision. Just like there are regrets about the end of a MR, there are regrets about not ending it. I had a moment yesterday, even though we are in a beautiful new home with almost every feature in a house we ever wanted, I still had a moment yesterday where I wondered if I would have been better off making a clean break, and moving on by myself. Most of this is specific to the typical pressures of living with other human-beings, but it is just another aspect you will have to deal with in R.
While most people are here wanting to R, AS makes a great point. Sometimes you will be happier by Ding even if you can't see it now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
