Confronted wife earlier. Told her i went to courthouse this morning, and also set up a day for a realtor to come over.
She asked if i filed, and i said no, just picked up the paperwork. Then said she didn't want to use this particular realtor. She apologized over and over for her 'mistakes'. She admitted to some of the stuff I heard, but denied other stuff. Doesn't really matter. Just kept going on and on about how she's not texting OM anymore, she never really 'liked' him just liked the attention she got, how we've been so broken for years, how everyone's lying and twisting the facts for things, that she's made terrible decisions and feels awful, etc.
I basically just stood there while she cried, saying I understand some of what she's feeling, and for the sake of our son she needs to mentally get herself stable. I'm pretty sure she's more upset about all this getting exposed, than actually what she's done. I told her there's no way I can trust her, and I've lost all respect for her as a person. She said she doesn't blame me, and she doesn't respect herself now.
No mention from either about working on the marriage or anything. I'm proceeding as planned.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Terapin, it's very common for WAS's to "affair down". It's usually perplexing to the LBS that they do this, but a lot of times it's just a case of them finding someone that tells them what they want to hear (often it's not heartfelt though, there are a lot of people out there that prey on the desperate and know just what emotional buttons to push to make it sound like they care).
AS, this is so true...
You are still into the boiling state T. Get some fresh air. Do something to cool down. Go for a walk. Take your time. What do you want? What do you really want? You should ask these same questions after some time.
T, they all say stuff like that, believe nothing she says. Make her show action before you give her a chance. Likely the OM lost interest (which usually doesn't happen unless he gets something he wants out of her (money, nude photos, sex). My W's OM was several states away (as I said he was a broke loser) and after her third set of nudes sent to him he told her he was staying with his GF. (Whether he actually had one I don't know, I think he more didn't want her to find out what a loser he was, so he got his kicks and moved on to another sucker.) It was after that that she started showing remorse and wanting to work on things. PLAN B.
Looking back being plan B hurts, there is no doubt. I should do a post on how being a LBH that finally won his W back isn't all its cracked up to be. I've had so many posters tell me that they are envious of where we are, that they wish they were there. However, there is always that wonder in the back of your mind. There is always that wondering if OM had made a different decision. Or if another OM swept in (and there were signs one was ready to in my sitch) what she would have chosen. I wonder how long those questions will last. Though I will say that we have been in full R since March which means it has only been about 4 1/2 months. That is still young. She has shown consistent behavior since she recommitted to the MR, but is 4 1/2 months a long enough time for my worries to be allayed? I would absolutely not. The other vets that have been around here longer (remember this is my second go around with my W having an EA) would say 4 1/2 months is NOT a long enough period of time. And I agree.
T, this is a marathon, not a sprint. It requires a lot of patience! Something I did not have a lot of before all of this. Not sure if you are a Bible believer at all but the Bible talks about trials and tribulations are how your patience is grown. If I lived a perfectly problem free life likely I would never grow in this area. God uses trials (he doesn't initiate them, that is free-will but USES) to help us grow in areas we need to grow in. I am a lot more patient today than I was on 12/23. So I would echo AS and neffer and tell you to let your emotions stabilize before making a rash decision. But please take into account what I said above. You mentioned "no way I can trust her, and I've lost all respect for her as a person". That takes a very long time to get back. Do you have the patience for it? And can you go through the thinking I've outlined above without causing your sitch to revert back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks guys. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing now. My head is spinning in a million directions, and I can't retain focus on anything. Again, up until Saturday I was fully committed to trying to save our marriage. But while I was doing that, she was out acting like a 22 year old party girl skank.
I don't believe everything she says, nor do I believe the OM was innocent in everything. I think she's been so far in fantasy land and lying to everyone (even though she denies lying about anything, except to me) that she can't even keep her lies straight. Yesterday morning she told me that the reason OM hasn't replied to me was probably because he has no idea anything that's going on. That was a flat out lie, told straight to my face. Like, how does someone get past that? I don't know.
Despite one moment of fear/weakness sunday night when she said 'just like week you were talking about us going to MC, but now you don't want to?', she hasn't said anything about working on us, or her feelings have change towards us.
I find it completely disrespectful and inappropriate that she had this loser as the shoulder to cry on. And she admitted sending him inappropriate texts, but continually stated nothing did or would have happened. Our friends that filled me in on all of this (who have zero reason to lie to me), are convinced she's been lying to them and using them to get closer to this dude. But I can't say for certainty that's the case.
But to sum up, I have no idea what to do. I got the D papers, and am filling them out. I can't file until next paycheck, which is probably a blessing that I have to wait a few days. But I feel if I don't file, it will be taken as a bluff on my part. If I do file in the next few days, I feel it'll be done too for the wrong reasons (anger, resentment, etc). So no, I don't know what to do now, and I don't know what I want to do. Every instinct is telling me to file and end this. But I guess deep down, buried under a mountain of anger, there's probably a hint of hope still there. Is having a very inappropriate 3 week EA really the worst thing in the world? I mean, it feels like it to me, but is it really?
You guys are awesome. I really appreciate it. Is there a way I can get Sandi to chime in on this?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hey T, take a breath. Read Cadetīs answer to your first post. Thatīs the start. Read from there...and read it all again. Use it as a way to cool down. The basics of DBing are there. Take your time please.
I honestly have no idea what I'm doing now. My head is spinning in a million directions, and I can't retain focus on anything.
Which is exactly why you should take a time out. THERE IS NO HURRY. Neffer, Steve and I are all telling you the same thing, just take a time out from the craziness.
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I think she's been so far in fantasy land and lying to everyone (even though she denies lying about anything, except to me) that she can't even keep her lies straight.
Yup. That doesn't mean there's no way back though. Lots of marriages have come back from this or even worse.
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she hasn't said anything about working on us, or her feelings have change towards us.
Recon is not on your radar right now. We're not telling you it is. We're just telling you that you need some time FOR YOU.
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But I feel if I don't file, it will be taken as a bluff on my part.
Who cares whether she thinks you are bluffing or not, that doesn't matter. She's a lying cheater right now, what do you care what a lying cheater thinks or says or does. We're telling you to take a breather so you can sort out what YOU want and what is best for YOU, because that is what matters.
Incidentally, being a lying cheater now doesn't mean she will always be. That's not who you married, right? So this may be a temporary thing she's going through.
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If I do file in the next few days, I feel it'll be done too for the wrong reasons (anger, resentment, etc).
Agreed. So don't. Again, there's no hurry. You can file now and always wonder if you did it out of anger and resentment or you can wait a couple of months and know you did it after serious thought and contemplation.
I saw today that she deleted me as a facebook friend (and everyone else in our 'inner circle'). lol. i texted and mentioned it. She said she didn't think i wanted to be her friend. i said you're right, i wanted to be your husband.
she said she knows, again apologized and wished she could take everything back, and is very very sorry for turning my back on me when i was the one trying to work on our marriage. i never replied back.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I saw today that she deleted me as a facebook friend (and everyone else in our 'inner circle'). lol. i texted and mentioned it. She said she didn't think i wanted to be her friend. i said you're right, i wanted to be your husband.
she said she knows, again apologized and wished she could take everything back, and is very very sorry for turning my back on me when i was the one trying to work on our marriage. i never replied back.
T, I like that you never replied back> I would have preferred you never texted her at all!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I saw today that she deleted me as a facebook friend (and everyone else in our 'inner circle'). lol. i texted and mentioned it. She said she didn't think i wanted to be her friend. i said you're right, i wanted to be your husband.
she said she knows, again apologized and wished she could take everything back, and is very very sorry for turning my back on me when i was the one trying to work on our marriage. i never replied back.
T, I like that you never replied back> I would have preferred you never texted her at all!
I know. It's tough though since the #1 problem in our M (according to her) was communication. Even when I went out sunday, she texted a few times asking questions, and said something like 'are we going to actually talk, or you ignore me as usual'. I replied something like 'i've had a few drinks, so don't think a conversation is a good idea now'. But yeah, it's tough to not reply sometimes, but I get the point.
I can almost guarantee when she gets home tonight, she'll asked if I filed today. I assume my reply will be just "no, didn't have time to do anything today." ?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
