Patience, DB, Detach... piecing or divorce

[Loves77]

I know for me at least, when I would put myself in that mind frame, I didn't walk away sad either. I didn't walk in hopeful. Bc when you are thinking "babysitter" you don't get hopeful ya know?

I hope it doesn't sound offensive. Obviously she is your wife, and there will be situations that require more depth. But for week to week transitions, babysitter all the way!

Remember, this is to help YOU get back to your self. I am always trying to get you right and a good mental. That is what is attractive.

[STH17]

"babysitter" would be a good way for me to think about and interact with my wife too I think. Today I picked up son from her and I don't think we said a word to each other. Reflecting on it I thought we interacted like she was just the bus driver. She drove off while I buckled son into his car seat.

[Did]

Reminding myself- Stop doing things to get a reaction from her. Do me, build my best life. Make my life the best it can be for me. If she wants to jump on board that is up to her. Be a man she'd be a fool to leave. Stop wasting mental energy on things I can not control....

Such a great time at the beach with friends over the weekend. Thunderstorms in the forecast today and tomorrow so W and I decided not worth it to bring D3 down to be with me at the beach. Disappointing. Back to work, back to reality here.

Feeling down. But gotta build it back up...

[SteveLW]

Yep, roll with it. You can't control the weather (a very good lesson for someone struggling with lack of control like you are).

[Did]

Thanks Steve. W texts me just now. Maybe facetime later I miss her? Then says if you have any clean clothes etc for her thatd be great.... I havent responded. I of course already had done laundry and was planning on packing all D3s stuff.

Last night she says I hope you both sleep well. I fell asleep w D3 getting her to bed... texted at 1130pm- thanks you too, she got bigger and can reach the pedals on her bike and sent her a short video I took of D3 on bike.

I have said nothing about her and I. Even though I want nothing more than to date, get drinks, reconnect... loving marriage and relationship. Ive accepted I probably wont have that with her. And keep trying to pull away. I have to be better about caring less when she temp checks!!

Spending time down at the beach with friends and families. I want the happy family bad. I want to save my family, have fun with W. Just have to keep doing the opposite of what feels good for me in regard to W. Pull away GAL, DB, I need to be better about it!! At least when Im feeling down I dont tell her about it at all anymore. She tells me how she feels all the time.

When I picked up D3 W had picked up tacos for us so we ate there quickly. It was dinner time and I had a 3 hour drive from the beach. I focused on D3 and being happy, pleasant etc. W talking about anxiety with her family talking to her about stuff when D3 wants attention and W doesnt. Repeating story of 5 year old birthday party W crying about them singing to her and telling everyone to sing to her cousin who wants the attention, family laughing. Blow out poops, not sleeping, wanting a drink, wanting chocolate dessert she used to make us all the time, says she was going to make for all of us but didnt have enough syrup. A lot of negative, but none from me. She had a wicked smile on her face when talking about chocolate, I did say look at that smile and laughed. My thoughts were to grab her and pull her to me seeing that smile.

Anyway... back to DB, GAL and reality

[ovrrnbw]

Did,

you are doing a great job staying on planet Earth. I am always ready to jump up and believe the dumb crap my WW tells me, but you are seeing things more clearly. I think you handled things with her just fine too.

You seem to notice your desire, but are fine with not giving in to it. Great, IMO.

[Did]

Thanks Ovr. Doesn’t feel like a great job. W did send me an Instagram post some bs she thinks Is funny about baby potty training. I’m not just your friend like who cares. I’m not responding.

She’s going to the beach with her fam w D3 I have to wish them off and hope they have fun. I can’t believe she doesn’t want the beach trip together. Maybe part of her does but she’s “confused” she “doesn’t know what she wants” or “how is she supposed to commit to being my wife if she doesn’t know the man I am today” She knows me. I’m so tired of the games her not knowing not working being entitled. I’m going to pull back more for the hundredth time I’ll say it maybe I’ll actually do it.

I want a happy fam and my daughter full time. We had such a great time tonight just joking around and playing.

Do what works.

[Did]

If anyone is reading this please read the last paragraph and shoot me a quick reply / advice as I havent responded to her texts...

Just dropped D3 almost D4 now off to W at a starbucks. I am going to do some work, get lunch then go to a meeting. Definitely feeling some emotions dropping off D3 she says something like I hope youre not sad youre not coming to the beach with mom. I said Ill just miss you Ariel but youll have fun and Ill work so that when you get back we can do something fun for your birthday. Waterpark talk ensues. We have always gone to the beach for D3s birthday. Last year in the turmoil of separation we tried to still do this trip and it was a trainwreck. Mostly because W was a freaking mess and crazy person at the time. I played lacrosse was hurt then got D3 to bed in this tiny bed then came down and anything I said she'd freak out... and still in her mind I'm to blame for all that...

Anyway I got D3 in carseat gave her a kiss pet the dog. Was ready to get the F outta there. W waiting outside the car now she seems to want a hug. She says do you want a hug, it was awkward... I gave her the 1 arm WAS hug lol. Then she said oh youre going to do that now. I said why do you want a real hug and she says yea I do with enthusiasm. So I hugged her. Im not pursuing it anymore though. Not sure if I should of been more tough I know W is having a hard time with life in general. I dont think there are other men involved at this point but it doesnt really matter. Thoughts on how I played this?

Then I get into coffee shop and she texts me you going to a date? Wearing cologne... meanwhile in reality Im wearing cologne for her to notice but I cant tell her that... to avoid the BS long texts and games I just said no. Drive safe hope you guys have fun. She said thanks. Sorry thought that you must be having a coffee date. I havent replied, should I say anything? I dont necessarily want her to think Im on a date then she'll start dating. Maybe Ill just say something validating her concern... on to the validation thread... thanks all!

[Did]

I said I understand how you feel that way...

Then she says her GPS doesnt work and she doesnt know what to do. Obviously she is looking for help. So I told her Id send her directions. Which I did then she says my google maps wont work and shes not asking for my help. I emailed her the copy and paste of directions anyway.

Honestly getting to the point that I feel like Bitc* is crazy and I just need to be the best dad I can half the time and enjoy my life. We cant make more time... Not letting her get me down anymore. Still miss the dam* family thing but I"ll get it back... probably not with her tho I guess.

[SteveLW]

Wow, you really need to stop texting.

REMEMBER: Only respond to direct questions. With as few words as possible. If she is just texting information you do not respond.

EX: "Are you going on a date?" "No." Would have been perfect. NGS kicks in "Drive safe hope you have a good time." ?!? Why? She already knows this.

EX2: "thanks. Sorry thought that you must be having a coffee date." "I said I understand how you feel that way..." Bad. She wasn't asking a question. There was no need to respond. Validation is inappropriate here because she expressed a thought not a feeling!

Last:

EX3: "My GPS isn't working." There is no question in here. So need to respond. If she wanted help she would request it. In fact, she explicitly said she DIDN'T want help and NGS kicks in and provide it anyway!!

Did you have made no progress at all. Have you read NMMNG? That should be your first move, read that book and institute its suggestions!

Here is the problem:

"I dont necessarily want her to think Im on a date then she'll start dating." YOU ARE STILL TRYING TO CONTROL HER!

Look, no matter what you do or don't do. Say or don't say. If she is going to date she is going to date. You could go on a million dates. Or you could never date again. It has zero impact on whether or not she dates. You are S, do you really think what you do or say controls her? If it did you would still be living together. This is NGS to the max!! You have to stop this "if I don't do this, then maybe she won't either" thinking. It is causing you to do things you shouldn't do.

Who cares if she thinks you are dating. Or not dating? Did you cheat on her? If not, she still cheated. Your not cheating didn't prevent her from cheating. So why would you conclude that not dating will make her not date? Also, you have no idea whether or not OM is still around. Likely he is. And here you are worried about her dating or not dating based on what you do!

Did, I've seen a lot of guys here (myself included) with NGS. But your case is the most extreme I've seen.