Finding my way into the light

[Holding]

Hey, DB Land!

It's been a while, but I think I'm ready to come back.

I've been busy getting my life in order (paying off debt, fixing stuff around the house, refinancing my mortgage). I've continued meeting with my NGS support group, who've really taught me a lot about myself.

Another thing I've been dealing with is evicting my XW from my head. These aren't thoughts of wanting her back, but thoughts that I'm still playing this game of one-upmanship that developed during the D process. And I'm dealing with my frustration and anger that XW doesn't respect my boundaries and the terms of our decree (dropping off the kids at the proper time, consulting me on important decisions, etc.).

My IC told me I needed to find a way to let XW go, to give her back to God. So about a month ago I passed by the church where we were married (which is in another state). I lit candles for myself, my two boys, and my XW. I told God I'd done the best I could, I tried to save my M, and it just wasn't enough. I asked for all 4 of us to find some peace and move on from this pain. It's helped a little.

The roller coaster ride is not over yet, and the occasional trigger hits me like a knife to the side, a quick jab that goes in and out.

I was heavily into online dating for a while, and I had some choice experiences that made me realize, while I do enjoy dating and know I want a relationship, I'm not ready for super serious stuff right now. Meeting people's kids was too much for me. I've also learned I'm not built for hookups. I think I hurt someone in the process, and I'm not proud of that.

I got off the dating sites for a while, but now I'm back on, with more purpose and higher standards. I'm taking my time. I'm not in a rush. For a while I was setting myself a goal of a date a week, and I did meet that goal, but I ended up with a lot of people who weren't really my type. I suppose the upside is that I'm re-learning what my type is. The scary thing is that MANY aspects of my type are traits of XW (well, the positive traits she used to have).

I noticed (again) XW's dating profile on one of the sites, and she had a recent picture of herself and my two sons on there. (I don't have pics of my sons on my profile. I don't think it's appropriate.) I felt jealous and possessive - those are MY BOYS. I felt like she was using them to pimp herself out. Then I thought about another man looking at that pic, seeing my boys, meeting them, possibly becoming a part of their lives. I AM NOT READY FOR THAT.

Life moves on.

Thanks for listening.