The bomb woke me up, but she won't talk

[lusa]

Just journaling, in case it can help other members in a similar sitch.
I've been back home a week now, enjoying less financial pressure, more time with the kids and the occasional times with W. I am still sleeping on the couch as I've chosen not to die on the MBR hill.

Friday night afer playing with the kids I went out GAL, W wasn't happy about it and said she should be going out intead as she had been stuck in the house for too long. I explained I am always happy to stay with the kids anytime she wants to go. She moaned on the phone to her friends about me "treating the place like a hotel" etc, which is so untrue.

As we went through Saturday she worked herself up even more and then in the evening the inevitable spewing happened again. She blatantly started verbally attacking me in front of the kids, which is out of character for her. I really don't like them being witness to it and it shocked them. S14 called her out on it straight away so she eventually got me in a room alone, and the following conversation ensued through her clenched teeth.

H Stop attacking me
W This is what happened before
H What
W That the kids were unhappy
H Because of you
W Because I am stressed out because you are here, this is how I feel when you are here. This is why we can't be together. I don't want to have another argument with you in my life.
H Well stop arguing then
W I was done with it, I don't want this
H Well stop it then
W So are you going to go?
H No
W Your not going to leave this house?
H No
W Not ever?
H I don't yet know, I do know I've just spent 10k renting over the last 6 months and I was lied to by you.
W I can't live like this, don't you understand its affecting the kids all the time
H You are affecting the kids, you need to control your anger, its horrible for it to come out in-front of them and its aggressive.
W This isn't working
H What isn't?
W This isn't working you being here
H You need to control yourself, look what your doing to everyone
W I need you to go, I need you to find somewhere to live, we are not going through what we went through at Christmas, we've all had enough.
H No we're not. You've had an affair
W I have not had an affair
H Yes you have had an affair (a bit louder)
W You know what, I am going to call your mom (to act the victim and ask her to appeal to me to leave for the kids sake) Then she left the room, and retired to the MBR to cry and call her friends.

Next morning, she's upbeat, we had a nice family trip out, do some house jobs together, eat nice meals together, she ran me a bath, just pleasant interaction all day. The day ended in her choosing to join me on the couch with the kids to watch a late movie together. It's like she was a completely different person to the night before. This has continued into today, my recent detachment has really protected me emotionally regardless of how she chooses to treat me. S14 has continued to bring the incident up and forced her to apologize to both of us, she has done this and said it was out of character for her, and that she is only human, I haven't made a big deal of it at all.

Thanks to the kind posters quoted below, I was prepared for this spewing and didn't lose my cool under the aggressive pressure.

If you find out it's legal, then just sit down with her and tell her you are moving back in and when. Expect her to throw a tantrum, just tell her it's not a negotiation, you are just letting her know.

If you intend to march back into the house, claim the MBR, and expect her to be transparent.......I think you will be faced with great opposition. With that said, I want you to understand that I am not opposed to the idea of a man going back to his house and rightfully claiming what is his. I am just saying that if his WW is not ready for him to return, he is in for a battle of wills.

Based on the stories I can recall where the H reclaimed his position in the home, the WW did not go down without a fight. You see, when the H agrees to leave the home at his WW's request, I believe she thinks that is the biggest step in her plan to gain freedom (getting the H out of the home). It is especially nice for her when the H is so willing to run her errands, do odd jobs around the house, chauffeur the kids, and then go back to his designated place at the end of the day. That is a lot of yummy cake for a WW! She sees herself holding the reigns of power in this relationship. If she decides to D, she already has the H out of the house, so the next step is just signing paperwork. If her affair doesn't gain speed, then she can keep the H at arms length, and still get served cake. She has the benefits from being legally M, and gets the affair partner on the side. So, if the H moves back home without her agreement, it really upsets her playhouse.

The recent spewing is very likely a form of testing behavior on her part, and likely not even a conscious thing. She was almost certainly at a subconscious level expecting you to exhibit "more of the same" behavior - you being a pitiful, angry mess in response to the spew. You didn't respond that way. You did exactly the right thing in response. She will likely do this sort of thing again more than once.