I’m finding DB full of difficult contradictions; GAL but be there for the kids (very hard when they are so young). Don’t engage in any R, M, D talks but being constantly challenged on it by W. Detach and do 180’s when what I’m being accused of is procrastinating, lack of empathy, not being romantic, ignoring messsges etc. Doing 180s here would be the opposite of detach! So difficult.
I will not divorce her. I’m going to make her do the dirty work. Any advice welcome.
Great comments from Steve. I'll add a few as well:
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GAL but be there for the kids
GAL stands for "get a life". Too many people here think it stands for "go to bars and drink". If you have small kids then INVOLVE them in your GAL activities. Take them to the zoo, go to the park and fly kites, go to the museum, build something with them, plant some flowers, go for a walk. Yes you should have some GAL activities that involve hanging out with adults as well, but there is no contradiction in involving kids with GAL. The purpose of GAL is to get you busy, give your W time and space, and take your mind off your sitch.
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Don’t engage in any R, M, D talks but being constantly challenged on it by W
This is a common misinterpretation. DB'ing isn't to not "engage" in those talks, it is to not "initiate" those talks. If your W brings it up then that's fine, but your job isn't to fight/ argue/ negotiate/ etc. it's to LISTEN and VALIDATE. But don't ever bring it up yourself.
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Detach and do 180’s when what I’m being accused of is procrastinating, lack of empathy, not being romantic, ignoring messsges etc. Doing 180s here would be the opposite of detach!
Again this is a common misunderstanding with new DB'ers but detaching does NOT mean to be cold and indifferent. Read Sandi's rules, they are all about LOVINGLY detaching. Detaching is simply giving your W time and space and focusing your energies elsewhere on you and your kids. It's about not pursuing her. It's about respecting her wish to be separate from you. Don't procrastinate if you normally do, by all means show empathy (that is what validation is all about), don't ignore her messages. As far as being romantic, well yeah that one is going to have to wait until way down the road. But those other things you can still do 180's on.
