Wow, I have been reading everything, taking it in, plus spending some quality time with my girl.
Everyone of you make unique and good points, and I also really appreciate the hugs. It's been rough. This whole band dude thing plus everything else going on could make someone lose their sh!t.
Don gave me a new perspective. Maybe it's not over? I truly hated the way it ended. I hated how we both dealt with it. I had a strong reaction given my very vulnerable circumstance and my past trauma. He used just about the worst timing to blurt out a feeling he had gotten in that moment. After spending a day with my D and she went to bed, I reached out to him. I told him I hated the way it ended and that it even ended. He responded immediately. He said "me too". I apologized for overreacting, but the timing really threw me off. He said it was totally understandable. He asked me if D10 game home, what we did that day, ect. I told him "I'll never be your exW, I will never be that GF who got away, I will always be me but I do miss you. You don't have to say anything, I just had to say that" (go ahead, 2x4 me). He replied with "I miss you too". We said goodnight to eachtoher and that was it.
I don't know what this means, where we stand or how I even really need to deal with this. He would have to make the next move. But really, I can't say I could get past what he said and how he said it. I am afraid it will always stick in my head and I would wait for it to come again. I can't begin to explain how painful it all was. The ball is in his court and I will maybe figure where to go from here, if there really even is anywhere to go.
Zues, you analogies are just about the most realtable analogies ever. You should have been a teacher. I am going to keep practicing going at this just as you prescribed. Sometimes credit looks good on paper, but there are so many other factors and before you take that risk on a loan, you better truly assess that risk.
IN other news I sat down D10 and talked to her about possibly moving out of town and she freaked out. Completely freaked. I calmed her down when we looked at some of the houses and promised her a dog. She started feelings better about it, then she swings to "I refuse to move, I am not leaving my school!!!!" We went to target, spent a butt load of money on school supplies and clothes. I found myself not really saying no to anything because I felt so bad. I also bought myself a thing or two, because when I am down and out, unfortunately shopping makes me feel better.
This is so hard. So hard to handle without support of another partner. What I am going though right now with everything is just awful. I am done with all these insane situations. I just want some godam stability. It's all I have been striving for all these years.
I've really appreciated all your support. I don't want to struggle anymore. I just want some peace and stability.
