Am I coming or going?

[Zues126]

G, I hope you're surviving the day. Hang in.

What I really hate is if my ability to trust anything is gone. If I will be too scared to do this again.

I want to take a moment to think about how banks decide to lend money to people. Every day people apply by the millions for credit, be it a credit card, auto loan, home loan, or something else along those lines. How does the bank decide whether to trust someone or not?

Well, certainly not by how they feel around the applicant. I used to work in subprime auto finance, dealing with people who had not just bad credit but in many cases extremely bad. Multiple repossessions, bankruptcies, etc. Now I have a big heart. I want to help people. I want to believe the best in them. But there are a lot of bad people that play on those feelings and try to fish for a white knight who wants to help and take them for everything. Sometimes it's deliberate. Other times they believe their own stories. But they all are really good at being in need of a rescuer and being a victim. The other part of that dynamic is the rescuer who needs to play the role of being important, needed, and good. Victims make the rescuer feel good. And they are all humans who are good people in their own ways. Maybe they tell funny jokes. Maybe they dress sharp. Maybe they are charismatic.

But the banks don't care about any of this because they've seen it all. They aren't in this because they want to feel important, or because they are needy. The banks are in it to make money. Show business not show friends.

Thus credit reports are used. The record of who this person has paid, who they haven't paid, if they paid on time, etc. When a person starts out they have NO CREDIT. They start by borrowing a tiny amount from easy to qualify for accounts, such as high rate or secured credit cards. Then BASED ON THEIR PERFORMANCE they can develop a good credit score. Then maybe they get another card with a bigger limit and a lower APR. Maybe a car loan one day. Then when they apply for a home loan the mortgage company says "Hmm, 753 FICO, 6 years on the bureau, 4 trade lines with a max limit of $22,000, paid perfect over 3 years, credit looks good". Of course credit is just one of the requirements indicating 'willingness' to repay. The applicant also has to have the 'ability' to repay, thus income verification, debt to income ratios, and job stability can play a role.

Soooo, when it comes to how to trust people, I believe you have to do things the same way. When you first meet someone, you don't know anything about them. I'm not saying you should distrust them, I'm just saying you shouldn't trust them enough to lend them money for a house or a car.

Each interaction with them you learn a little bit more. You get better insight into their values, their life priorities, how they handle emotional adversity, loss, disappointment, conflict. You learn how they communicate. You learn all kinds of things about them. But only little by little. The first interaction is like them making ONE good payment on their credit card. That's great! That's the best they can do so far! Perfect 100% batting average! But it's only one payment, so they are only 1/1. Way too soon to give them credit for a house or even a car.

Little by little you can increase their credit limit with you, as long as they keep performing well. In six months or a year you'll have much more information. At some point you can say, 'wow, this person is really someone that I can trust to keep their sanity even through life's most difficult times such as mid life crisis, deaths in the family, financial difficulties, temptation, I think I can put my life in their hands'.

When you're first starting out though you don't have any reason to trust them. It would be great if they were from a circle you knew, like a church, family friend, friend of a good friend that has known them for years. That would allow you to give them credit based on their performance for others you knew prior to you meeting. But unfortunately in this day and age we have decided we don't need this type of community and feel we can do it all ourselves by outsourcing it to the internet. Great. We can certainly do that. But you have to be more on guard.

Now, I'm going to talk about me for a minute. I DIDN'T do this with either serious relationship I was in (my first gf and my XW). I met them, became infatuated, and quickly (within weeks or a month or two) gave them credit for being perfect. I felt it made me a good guy to be trusting and open. I thought if I gave them trust they would want to live up to it because people are good and love conquers all.

I was really disappointed.

Turns out my first gf had serious problems, had a hidden life that she kept from me and was a serial liar. She cheated on me, broke up with me, then much later wanted to get back together so tried to sabotage my marriage with XW by falsifying evidence that XW was cheating, then when that failed went totally crazy to the point I had to warn my kid's teachers and school bus drivers about her to protect them ("she is NOT a relative" with a picture...). Finally she killed herself. And through my tears I have to admit there was a lot of relief that me and my family were safe from her.

You know or can look up the story of my XW.

Point is, trusting so quickly didn't work out well for me. Giving too much too soon was a bad choice. It came from neediness on my part, my need for them to be the person I longed for them to be. It came from my distaste for dating and screening people and breaking up and all of that stuff. I just want to meet one person that just wants to meet me and keep it simple. But that was my choice too. And if I make the choice to extend credit to someone that hasn't earned it, I feel very responsible for whatever happens.

As you know I'm not sure I'll be dating again. It's not that I don't think there would be any women that might be trustworthy to my standards, but I don't think many would be. That is because I believe our cultural norms subscribe to beliefs that lead to destructive behavior, so most people have been indoctrinated with values that I would not put my trust in. So I'd end up having to screen too many people looking for someone that was technically insane (not conforming to the standards of our society). And that could lead to it's own problems. Maybe another culture that had different values could be possible. But then there are cultural issues, potential language barriers, lack of common experiences, geographical challenges. All of this sounds too exhausting to me for something that doesn't look likely to work out, a ton of effort and emotional energy to go down a road that will probably end in devastation and betrayal.

I don't think I'm jaded, just practical and realistic. To continue the analogy, I'm like a life insurance carrier that decided no longer to insure rock climbers or motorcyclists because the payouts exceeded the premiums. Just business.

Not much of a pep talk as always, but I wanted to admit that I've made this mistake in the past. It's understandable. I really just wanted to share my views on how trust should be earned and given. The banks do a good job making money despite the number of people that don't repay because they protect themselves and take calculated chances. But when you move quickly you give credit much too soon and expose yourself and your heart and possibly your child to someone that, in today's society, has a greater chance than ever than being crazy or addicted somehow, and with less foundation.

You don't have to play it this way, but kick it around a bit and maybe next time you meet someone and find yourself wanting to extend credit to them somehow, maybe you'll remember ol' Zues and ask yourself what credit score they've established with you and if they're qualified.