Hard to be positive

[Ruby100]

Hi ovrrnbw

Thanks for your message. Yes, with time you learn to adjust. You have to. I have highs & lows; the lows being mainly due to either the anniversary of memorable dates or if I’d found out that they had been on holiday etc. Sometimes after his visits.

He has never asked for a D, which yes is odd. He wasn’t in any hurry to clear the house either - I’ve had to push him to do it. I think that after the D, the OW will put pressure on him to M & he has told me he’s not ready for that. There may also be a tax advantage for him to D when out of the UK.

In the beginning, yes I asked him to come home but as time passed I stopped as I realised it had no effect - he was so infatuated with her & his new sense of freedom. I have, on occasions, questioned him & it was probably about 3/4 months ago that he finally said he couldn’t come back. Up until then he had always said he didn’t know what he wanted. Now this new career has come along, he knows it’s what he wants & he would have gone with her or without her. He will be back in the UK frequently &, if I’m OK with it, he plans on still visiting me & the dog.

During our separation, he would text & ask if he could walk the dogs with me or come & see us & have a chat - this has been, on average, every 3 weeks since he left. We still get on really well & when he visits; it feels so natural & comfortable & then he leaves again to go back to his new life. Because I thought he was having a MLC & that I believed he still valued my friendship (says he wants to remain friends after D), it left me in a sort of limbo for a long time. You may say that he is having his cake & eating it & you would be right but I am not ready to let go yet. I wanted to leave the door open, in case he ever could find his way back to me.

As I’m writing this, it all sounds ridiculous & that I’ve no SE or set any boundaries. If I had a girlfriend in the same situation I would be telling her to D & never look back but he has always been my best friend & I took my marriage vows seriously & hoped, at some point with all the SE work that I’ve been doing, he would see the qualities in me that he saw when I was 16. I’ve not been a complete pushover with him - but I guess I have allowed him to call the shots at times for fear of losing him for good.

I’ve pushed myself hard to GAL; to make new friends; go new places & to take myself out of my comfort zone & I feel I am more the person that I’m naturally supposed to be & for that I’m really proud of myself so some good has come out of this. I think it’s his move away that has unsettled me more than I realised & fear of life post D, which I feel I have no option but to proceed with.

Sorry, what a long rambling reply to your short message! Glad you asked?!