I expect her response to be negative. I am prepared for that. I will not go on living in limbo. When I get her negative response just as I would like a 100% commitment if it is positive, I will be 100% committed to changing the sitch. I will finally let go and ask her to leave. I am not the one one who wants out so I will not move out.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Bhuda, no one will blame you. 3 years is a long time. I really meant it when I complimented you on your self reflection at the beginning of your previous post. That was outstanding and I wish more newbies were that clear thinking in their sitches too. But then you went in the other direction. Only you know when enough is enough. But let me tell you the story about my friend Bob's parent.
Bob and I worked together in the late-80s. Since we both were big partiers (I have since cleaned up my life but back then I was a full blown alcoholic), and like the same kind of music (80s metal!) we struck up a friendship. Started hanging out and partying together. While I was an alkie, I was unlike the rest of his friends. For lack of saying it any differently, they were losers. Unemployed, thinking they'd make it in a band, globbing on to anyone that would fund them until they found another sucker.
I wasn't like that. I was educated, skilled, employed. Both his mom and dad took an immediate liking to me. Encouraged Bob to hang around me.But this is where the story gets weird. His mom and dad NEVER interacted. His dad would get home from work, get something to eat, watch or listen to the local MLB team (or some other sport) and the sleep in his own room. Bob's mom and 2 sisters shared a room. And Bob and his brother shared a room. We are talking a 900 sq ft, 3 bedroom suburban home! Trust me it took an EFFORT for his parents to never interact. All communication was done through the kids. His youngest sister was in her teens, the 3 older kids were all in their late teens or early 20s. Bob also had older siblings that had moved out. I believe there were 6 kids in all.
So how does a couple that produced 6 kids in the span of nearly 20 years end up living in such close proximity but never interacting? I never understood it. Nor did I understand why they didn't just split and go their separate ways. I was close to Bob for the better part of 5 years before our lives took us in different directions. Never once in 5 years did I see his parents interact in any way. And I was over there a lot.
Bob and I got back into contact with each other several years ago. His mom had been in a bad car accident. She had a lot of other health problems. I finally asked how his parents were getting along and he said they were never closer. That the fear of losing his mom had completely changed his dad. I said how long had then been in their stalemate before things thawed. Almost 20 years.
The point is that if you are patient, eventually something might cause her to take stock and realize that life is too short. And come back to the MR. I can't tell you to give her another hour, day, month, year or decade. That is up to you. But just because it is like this now and has been for 3 years doesn't mean it won't change at some point.
That is why I asked you how you thought she'd respond. Those of us that were in lmibo know how terrible it is. Obviously we all wanted a committed spouse that was actively working on the MR. But I would have taken limbo for however long it needed to last over losing the love of my life. Maybe I would have grown tired at some point and given up, IDK, but really think about it long and hard before you just wily-nilly take that step.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would like nothing more than to have her stay with me nut previous reply's to my sitch woke me up. To quote a 38 Special song I have been Holding On Loosely. Its time to let go. This is part of my 180 In the past I would have begged her to try to work things out. The information I posted on what I will say to her provided no ultimatums, nothing forceful. I did my best to keep the pain I feel inside hidden. I did not focus on past problems only solutions.
If we continue the same way it will only add stress to my life. I need to move on. Maybe she needs to go and actually experience life away from me to knock sense into her. I hope my decision will make her realise our marriage is worth fighting for. The status quo just will not work. I do not want to be plan B. I want to be plan A. If she wants to try to rebuild the M, I will be ecstatic, I will not become the man I was, As our marriage became volatile I became more clingy, apologetic and smothering. I am the exact opposite now. Yes I love affection. Giving and receiving I really miss that but I need to be strong For my children and especially me
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Our 22 anniversary is only two weeks away. A part of me wants to start the discussion on that day but a part feels it will be in bad taste. Since she has treated that day as another for the past little while maybe I should too
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
I cannot start the discussion this weekend as tomorrow is my oldest birthday (18th). We are going to celebrate his birthday tonight. He works tomorrow and my youngest has a soccer tournament Tomorrow and Sunday. The Irony is the three of us will be sleeping in the same room t a hotel and my W and I will end up sharing the bed. My youngest refuses to sleep in the same bed as mom or dad.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
The weekend was pleasant. No R talk. Spent Friday evening with the family at dinner for my oldest son's birthday. Evening was enjoyable. Seemingly no tension, but its always there. Discussions were fun an upbeat. Saturday and Sunday were spent with the W and youngest at a soccer tournament. Again, some tension but we enjoyed the weekend. All conversations cordial.
Back at home. I notice her looking straight ahead into the abyss on many occasion. Obviously in thought. Not going to speculate what those thoughts were.
It obvious she wants to come across as the victim and waiting for me to do something. Too bad for her that anyway this goes, she will not come out of this smelling like roses. I just need to find the right opportunity to say my peace.
I admit I am reluctant to initiate the conversation but there has been no R talk and I refuse to start the school year in limbo.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Tomorrow is the 22nd wedding anniversary. I do not know what to do. Do I acknowledge it in any way. I am torn. A 180 would be to totally ignore it. Yes there is nothing happy about this day as it stands now.
Part of me wants to send a text just stating I have not forgot the signifiance of this day and leave it at that. If she responds in any way there is some validation. If not. Oh well. Looking for some opinion on this matter
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
