Thanks Gerda. An open house sounds like a neat idea. My only issue is that the split between W and I is not common knowledge with all the parents. A couple of them know due to circumstances, and as time goes it will become clear to all, but if I do something like that now it would almost be an announcement that W and I are no longer together. I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for that. Maybe thats something I can work up to.
Thats a tough situation with your D and I know just how you feel. What I keep having to tell myself is that one interaction or conversation will not break things. We are humans and make mistakes...and we learn from them. If one interaction were going to ruin things, we would have been done with our situations long ago. We have just take today as an opportunity to do better than we did yesterday. Your story reminds me of something I am struggling with today regarding my family (FOO).
My sister is a high end hair stylist. The kind where women pay her a lot of money to do their hair and follow her to new salons if she changes salons. She makes quite a bit more money than I do, and I make a decent amount. Because of this, she always cuts our hair for free...either at one of our houses or at the salon. W and I have been together for 20 years, so she has been doing Ws hair for free for many years. I have sisters and W has brothers. For the last 20 years, my sisters have been like sisters to W, and her brothers have been like brothers to me. We are all really close. Since wife started MLC, she not only left me, but she distanced herself from my family and stopped talking to them. As a result, my family is very hurt by it. They not only get to see my family being torn apart and me being very hurt, but they are also losing a daughter/sister. Because of this, my sister does not want to see W. She does not cut her hair anymore, although I still take the kids to her and of course she still cuts my hair. There was not a discussion about it, it just kind of fell in to place like that. I guess W knows better than to try and sister would't if she did. My sister still loves her, but kind of hates her right now at the same time. She does not want to be fake with her. She doesn't want to act like nothing. Reconciliation between them is possible, but probably not any communication in the interim until a real discussion happens.
So, the kids will be going back to school soon and will need haircuts. My son contacted my sister about getting his hair cut. Sister was excited to hear from him and gave him a few times and said have your dad bring you up here. Son of course does not hear/read "dad" and think that it needs to be dad. On Wednesday W was picking kids up for her week and he mentions it with both of us there. For whatever reason, W doesn't seem to think too much about it saying, "I guess I could take you up there". Again, it is now her time with them. This puts me in a tight spot. I don't want to have to tell son that it isn't a good idea for mom to take you. I don't want my sister to have to tell him, or have to interact with W if she doesn't want to. So, at that time I just sidestep the conversation and say that its kind of late and my sister is working late. Its nice she offered for today, but lets just schedule something next week with her to make it easier.
Well, sister called me this morning and said that my son had called her yesterday and asked about getting hair cut today (today was one of the times she initially offered). Sister, not knowing the kids schedule said ok. She was asking me about where the kids were and if that meant that W would be bringing them. I tell her that they are with W so if they make plans for tonight then it would be W bringing them. My sister feel distraught over this. My sister has her house on the market and has people coming over throughout the day to look at it. I tell her to just tell S that it turns out that people are coming over to look at the house tonight and that it turns out that today is not a great day, and maybe we can schedule something in the next couple days. This excuse works well, except for one thing. I have plans to hang out with my sister tonight and her house viewings will be over by then. We will be lying to my son and doing the very thing he was wanting to come over for. I feel terrible about it. W is not the one discussing, son is so there isn't even much I can say to W about it. She is just willing to bring him. I hate it and am not sure I'm making the right decision. I have integrity and I feel like I am lying to my kids, even though I'm not even the one talking to them about it. And, I'm suggesting for my sister to lie to him. Its only a small fabrication of the truth to save feelings, but I'm a very honest person. I hate that I'm in a position like this. I know it will be fine, but I have to look at myself in the mirror and I like to live with integrity.
