He tried to do it again last night. Gaslight me, that is. S1's school changed their start time this year, making us need to be there almost 20 minutes earlier every day. That adds up. I came home, and immediately he says to me, "so, what are you gonna do about your work once school starts next week? We won't be able to have the au pair work past 1 PM on Friday if you plan on leaving the house with S1 at 7:30, so what are you gonna do?"
Me: Well, what days are you working from home? H: None. Me: What? You told me that you would only be going in a couple days a week so you'd be home with the baby so she didn't have to start her day until later. H: No, I need to start going into work everyday. I need to leave by 7:30 too, so that's going to push her time back to where she hit her 45 weekly hours by 1 PM on Fridays. I make more than twice what you make, so I can't be the one to be putting my job in jeopardy by leaving early every Friday and coming home early. You're going to have to figure something out. Me: H, I can't just take a half day every Friday. H: Then GTFO, and I'll figure it out myself. Me: H, I don't know what you want me to do! I can't just dictate my hours! I have clients, I have a boss that schedules me.... H: Stop freaking out, you're so crazy. This is why you can't be with the kids. This is your crazy. We just need to be a team and figure it out. Instead you start freaking out. Me: A team? How am I supposed to be a team if you come at with the tone of 'this is your problem and you need to solve it." Of course I'm going to freak out when you tell me I have to start taking a half day every week when I'm already having problems at work... H: Just STFU and calm down. You'll be fine.
At this point it's time to put the kids to bed, so I disengage. We put the kids to bed, and when I come back out, I grab my notebook and sit on the couch opposite him to try to sit down and come up with plans A, B, and C to figure out how we can both do our jobs and not go over the 45 hours for the au pair.
Me: Ok, so let's try to figure out how we're going to do this... H: I'll just leave for work at 8. That will solve it. Me: .... well what time would you come home? H: I'll be home by 5. That way she's just 8 to 5 every day. I'll get to work at 8:30 and leave at 4:30. Me: are you sure? H: Yeah, it'll be fine.
So that was the end of that.....
Then this morning, it was meet the teacher from 7:30 to 8:30. We both wanted to go, but we didn't want to bring the boys, so we agreed I'd to go first, then he could go at 8ish so the boys could stay home with him while I'm there, then stay with the au pair starting at 8. So I went, and to my surprise, it isn't just a "hi, I'm Miss So and So, nice to meet you!" but it was a whole thing where D had to sort her school supplies, fill out paperwork, etc. So my time bled over to 8:10ish. Meanwhile, he's texting me wondering where I am. And he tells me I need to switch cars when I come home, which I don't understand, but I don't feel like arguing, so I tell him I'll pull around to the garage.
H: No, pull around to the front. We're waiting out here. Me: We? H: Yeah, we're all out in the front.
So I pull up to the front of the house, and he has the boys and the au pair waiting to pile into the car.
Me: What's going on? H: What do you mean? We're going up to the school. Me: I thought that you were going alone. I took the baby sit out of this car bc I thought you were going alone. H: Ugh, well where is it? Me: Right inside the front door. We said the boys weren't going. H: No, we talked about this last night. You don't remember, do you? Me: .... no, I guess I don't (not really in a questioning way, more in a "whatever, let's move on" way).
So I get out, change cars, and start heading to work. I text him, "I thought the whole reason we were going separately was so that we didn't have to drag the boys up to the school and they could just stay home."
And to my surprise, I get this back, "Oh. You're right. Sorry."
Holy sh!t. That, like, never happens. He 1) never admits when I'm right and 2) rarely apologizes. I mean, I can very distinctly remember the handful of times he's said the words, "I'm sorry"
Also, last night was "my night" and I did what you recommended, Nicole, and just stayed home. I took the opportunity to declutter my room. This new au pair does MUCH more cleaning than the previous au pair, so I'm not having to spend my time cleaning "community areas" and I'm able to spend my time tidying up my personal spaces, which tend to get the most neglected. It was great. I love a clean house. It makes my brain so happy. So I decluttered for about a half hour and then I just sat in my bed and read for about another hour. At one point, H asked if he could go on a run. It had literally started lightening and storming not 5 minutes before this. I said, "yeah sure, but how do I access your life insurance policy in case you get struck by lightening?" That made him laugh. He in turn said a joke too, which I laughed at (one of my favorite qualities about him is he is really funny). He decided not to go on a run. H stayed downstairs in the living room and eventually I got ready for bed. I let the dog out one last time, and said good night to him. He said good night, and I saw about 10 minutes later he turned off the lights and went upstairs.
He did not explicitly say the word divorce yesterday. I think that's the first time we've had a day like that since this mess really exploded.
