Hard to be positive

[Ruby100]

Thank you Gerda for your kind words.

I saw my H last night - we are clearing the house of his belongings, ready for his move abroad.

I have been feeling like the sand of time was running out. I felt like I needed to ask him all those questions that in your despair you need the answers to. I am so frightened to lose him forever. I felt that, when he left, the opportunity to ask would be less.

So I asked why wasn’t I enough? Why did he say all those spiteful things that I can’t get out of my head? Why, if I was stilll his “soulmate” did he not fight for me & our marriage etc etc. Obviously I didn’t get many answers. He apologised & said he never meant to hurt me but was trying to find reasons why he felt so bad at the time. If he could go back in time he would do things differently.

When I asked if he was happy, he said yes & I said that, whilst I didn’t want to play the victim, because I would be fine, it seemed so unfair that 2 people could be so wicked to inflict such pain on another person & yet they could be happy. That they deserved each other because they both knew what level they would stoop to to get their own way.

I said I hoped to find forgiveness at some point but I was upset that neither of them cared enough to ask for it. From what I’ve read, the forgiveness is for my benefit, not theirs but that’s a work in progress for me.

In one sense, I agree with you about her staying with him but she is getting used to a very financially comfortable lifestyle. Surely she won’t give that up? She tells him he’s her soulmate & I think she believes it - He says he can’t tell her the same. You are right though - it is all based on lies & deceit & that’s not a good foundation for a relationship.

All along I believed it was a MLC but he’s been in a relationship with her since Dec 2012 so that’s why I started to doubt myself & wonder if it really was genuine. How long can you put your life on hold just waiting for him to return?

Rightly or wrongly I’ve asked the questions & strangely I feel a little lighter. The sense of pressure that I had been feeling in my chest has eased - for today anyway!

I do have faith but I don’t go to church. Your priest made a lot of sense - “Stop looking like a pitiful thing. You are an agent of God”. I must remember that. I’ll check the website you suggested. Thank you Gerda & thank you for taking the time to reply x