WW-is there hope? Any advise from former WW's

[LANE777]

Journaling

Today is another day. My days used to go by very very fast. Now they go by so very very slow. My brain is exhausted by noon most of the time. I try so hard to stay busy but the motivation is 1/2 of what it used to be. By the time it get done with work I don't feel like GAL. Sometimes when kids are with W, I can't wait to get home to pass the time. Nights are easier for some reason. Mornings are brutal.

So Ive been following the 37 rules and acting like I'm GAL. Just in a few days the W has called mainly about the kids etc. Like the post above says, She called wanting to know if I was okay with the schedule next week. I told her I would let her know tonight. So I just let her know its okay to drop the kids off on Wed. She is being very pleasant and nice, but not in a married with kids way...more of a nice "like I'm one of the customers at the grocery store she works at. She's treating me like a customer. So I asked if she could help out on the Cell phone bill and the insurance this month. She said sure no problem. She did mention I needed to go in to the cell phone comp to see about getting my own plan. I ended the conversation.

So, I am detaching and GAL when I feel like it. I try not to think about what, where or who she is with. I used to try to know where she was all the time. I was hanging on for dear life. I feel like I am finally letting her go to see what life is like in her new found feelings. Its hurting me more than she will ever know.

Ive brought this up on other people's threads. PART OF ME WANTS ALL OF THIS---Why do I want her world to crumble? Why do I want her to fall on her face? I tell her on want her to be happy, but I really want her to be unhappy with out me. Its selfish isn't it? But I want her to feel the fire Ive been feeling for 3 months now.
Ive got a few friends and one lady I talked to told me this. You need to step way way back. Let her go do what she wants to do. Let her have all the freedoms. And then one day she will have deep deep regrets. I think she was talking about herself one time.

I don't mind being nice and loving my W from a distance. Its so unnatural to do opposite of what you would normally do.

I feel like the M is dead and the old life/wife is dead. Im dealing with a diff person now. I have to act different, talk different. Its like I'm trying to get to know a girl from high school. She has no interest in me...lol.
Anyways, hope all is well for the rest of you, I will continue my battle. Thanks for any reply.

Lane