So what is child abuse? Physical Hitting, shaking, kicking, pinching, slapping, throwing, hair pulling, and burning the child with scalding water or other hot objects. Spanking or paddling isn't considered abuse as long as it is reasonable and does not cause any injury to the child.
Originally Posted by lcause
Now, I don't know whether in this case it was as bad as it sounds as we are obviously hearing only one part of the equation. 3-year-old isn't necessarily able to accurately represent the situation and it could have been far less. I wouldn't act on it other than maybe ask or tell her that it isn't something one would expect. Of course if this happens more often and if it goes into anything more serious, then it is a different question.
So if I have the score right here lcause. Spanking = abuse. But hair pulling isn't worthy of reporting.
I will borrow a phrase from Mr. OK himself...let's agree to disagree.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yep, this is what is wrong with society. Thousands of years of parental history....but a study comes out and all that history is thrown out the window.
And I am sure your country is problem free too.
Steve. Flawed logic.
Thousands of years of parenting before the advent of science and psychology, sad how you say "A study comes out" Yea. Like thousands of people all collectively researching through scientific method, and "history" (beating kids, bad parenting tactics and so on) goes out the window? I should hope so!
Should we discredit all medicine because it was developed through "Studies?" Analyze, Inteperet, Adjust Repeat. This is science. What you are suggesting is "Its always worked, dont change it" - This is stagnant logic. No development comes of this. Do you think I will succseed in detachment if i keep up the behaviors i have exhibited in the past? you contradict your own previously dispersed advice with this logic Steve.
If humanity as a whole adopted that rational we would still be shi*ting in loin cloths and dying of bubonic plague. Im wilth Lcause 1000% here Steve.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
So if I have the score right here lcause. Spanking = abuse. But hair pulling isn't worthy of reporting.
I will borrow a phrase from Mr. OK himself...let's agree to disagree.
Sure Steve. I don't know the laws in your country and thus we can disagree. Physical violence targeted towards children is a red flag and I can admit it goes to my emotions quite quickly.
Just to be consistent: I don't know enough about the situation. I would never pull my kids hair. I don't think it is ok. Neither would my XW. But, in this case it could REALLY do more harm for the situation as DonH pointed out. There has been TRO etc. I wouldn't be ok, but I wouldn't report it from one time. We are human after all, we do mistakes. Continued? Then it is a different case and then one should be concerned.
Just to keep it light: the only person I spank is my gf
Last edited by lcause; 08/09/1808:28 PM.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Regardless, after yet another debate, I did get the advice and input i had hoped for, legally speaking. So thank you to all who chimed in in that regard, including you Steve.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Orange, I have commented a few times on your sitch. I have no idea how you have felt about the posts, but I do hope they have helped. I realize I am from a generation ahead of you and my viewpoints are only formed by my history, thoughts, education and environment. Yours, I would think, were formed the same way. I can say that I enjoy reading your posts, both to keep up on your situation, but I have to say it is more for the entertainment value that is involved. You can read someone posting to give you input, help, guidance, or to just help you vent, and as I am reading their posts, I can only imagine the response that will come and the quicker it comes, the more entertaining it is. You are in a bad situation. Your MR was and is being destroyed. Your family is being torn apart. Your dreams for your family's future are being torched right in front of you. I am hopeful that you have support from family and friends outside of this board. BUT, you reached out to this board. You must have felt some need or desire to align yourself with MWD's views, thoughts as well as believing that her program could help you. I am no veteran. I haven't been on this board very long. And my own situation is still very much going on with the final outcome still unknown (I still have faith and hope, but I have very bad days as well where I am shocked, depressed or just lost in my own head over how this happened). If you keep having the same issues/blowups/problems/disgreements/whatever with people regardless of age, gender, how long their relationship was, differences between cultures, after awhile, I believe on should examine where the problem really lies. Again, I am not a judge, psychologist, counselor or any of that. I am a father (2 great kids), currently a husband (questionable of course due to the sitch but still love my W and take my vows seriously), My W and I have been together for 21 years and we have some vast experience in the ups and downs of marriage and family through the years. I have had many 2x4's sent my way here. I value each and every one of them since where my MR is I am so lost in what to do. Again, I would imagine a big reason why you came to this board as well. I have had comments from 30 year olds married for a year all the way up to the more mature (we respect our elders here, lol) that were married forever, some that made it to R and a better MR and others who made it though D and are happy with their lives. They don't have to be here to offer support. Believing someone is a keyboard psychologist with nothing better to do. This may be accurate in some ways, but I am not getting that. Most of the replies to my posts have been reinforcement of MWD's philosophies and just helping through the process of detachment, GAL, 180's, etc. If you are moving on to a D, it is the support to get you through to a better you for you and your children. Reading through your responses to posts, it just appears to me (I can only give you my humble opinion) that you are reading that the posts are preaching and/or trying to force their viewpoints upon you. I think you should look at it a little differently.
YOU came to the board and asked for input, advice, guidance and/or just an ear to listen. Everyone here has posted how they feel you should act within the confines of MWD's philosophies and the social norms that we live in recognizing that different countries and even different sections of countries do have some difference in social norms and acceptance.
Finally, again, I know you are struggling. Those of us here in our situations all are. We are lost at times, angry at times, and probably every other emotion out there comes through us almost daily. Everyone who comments on here has one goal, to help you become a better you. So that you are a better father to your son. Your son is 3 which I believe someone mentioned you will be in close contact from your stbxw for many years to come. YOU have to be the bigger person for your son. I'm not going to address each and every topic or advise on anything other than if you are truly ready to move on, protect your son. That doesn't mean being a doormat and accepting everything your stbxw does. It definitely shouldn't mean that your lawyer has to get involved in every detail. Not mentioned and an extreme example, but would you take her to court if you were against the consumption of dairy milk and only gave him almond milk and when he was at her home, she served in dairy milk? Of course not. An attorney's job is to solve conflict. Unfortunately, if they solve it too quickly, they don't get paid as much. The more conflict, the more and longer they get paid. With the cost of attorneys, I definitely do not want to have them involved in my life longer than absolutely necessary.
If you don't agree with someone's post on the board, simply thank them for their post and move on. Or don't mention it at all. They took the time to give you their thoughts. I believe they are only trying to help.
Just my humble opinion to a fellow person struggling to put their life back on track in some way as well. Best wishes OK!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
This is how you cordially disagree with someone, give them advice from a stance of different veiwpoints!
Amazing. Seriously JS. Beautifully written.
I will say this, i do try to see value in each and every post and response. Sometimes people choose to word things in a way that i find to be insesitive, misinformed or assumptive, and when this happens, I let them know how i feel.
I feel like a lot of people her have a tendancy to assume i am angry each time i post. Just because I disagree, or even debate / Argue, does not mean i am angry. I think my angry posts are easily identified. I TEND TO TYPE IN ALL F***KING CAPS AND SWEAR A LOT WHEN I AM TRYING ANGRILY. (<---just a visual example, not actually mad! )
LC, Yes I certainly came here with the intent of saving my MR, i wanted that, more than i can put into words. However as the onion layers were peeled back from my MR month by month, it became more and more evident of how manipulative and abusive my EX truly is. When i first started posting here, i believed her to be hurt, confused and emotionally unstable due to trauma and self esteem issues. She is just a toxic manipulative person. I am far from perfect myself, and have gone over my flaws and short comings here on the board more than once. Things i am working on with IC, and within myself.
I cant just sit back and thank someone for a post i find to be rude, assumptive, and biasedly opinionated. I will say something if i feel that way. I have to struggle with this impulse in my professional life too, its has caused problems before that i have no compunctions against telling even an authority figure i disagree with their logic, but Its just who i am. I have a backbone and a big mouth. Honestly, not qualities i am looking to change either. these same traits are largely responsible for my success in my field as well.
the 180's, GAL and so on have been crucial in my recovery.
thank you for a well worded, and compassionately posed post. Seriously.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Lcause. Thank you "Proverb from a fairy-tale" I almost spit out my afternoon coffee!
I let my lawyer know about this instance. If it continues or escalates, so too will my response to said behavior.
Interesting that you found the oldest most overused phrase in this entire debate coffee spittingly funny.
As I said, different strokes.
OK I think the saddest part of your sitch, in my opinion which I know you don't give two spits about, is that deep underneath you still aren't being honest to yourself. I think that is where a lot of the vitriol comes from towards those you "disagree" with. Your need to convince is the need to convince yourself as much as those you're disagreeing with.
But since your sitch is resolved from a MR standpoint, your D finalization is imminent, and now you're ready to take on your STBXW in custody and parenting battles, not to mention haggling over support, I will bow out of your threads. I'm not a lawyer, and despite your accusations that I always think I'm right and know everything, I know nothing about these legal wranglings. This board is for newbies. You're a vet now. You should be posting your threads in the post D thread now. I'm happy you have found peace with this. That's been the goal all along, to get you ready to move on with or without your STBXW.
My prayers are with you. Peace brother. Good luck in the next chapter of your life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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