Hope, Faith & Wonder-ment

[Underdog]

Hello ladies, particularly California's answer to Lois Lane,

I'm not going to rehash the convo I had with Mr. Wonderful tonight (you can read some of the info on my thread), but there is one thing you brought up here that came up in the convo that I did not post.

You know, I think one of the best things DB has helped me do is realize that in this sitch, even though I had changes I did need to make, he isn't running from me... but something else.

Boy, is this telling! We actually discussed this tonight. It came about when I asked him why he can't make a decision about us. And he said he didn't know, because he doesn't know the answers to most of the tough questions.

I asked him, "Well, what questions DO you have answers for?"

He said, "Hmmmm. Well, I know I can live alone and I am not as dependent on others as I thought I might be."

I asked him if this was good? He got a little indignant and said, "Of course it's good. Why wouldn't it be good?"

I said, "Because I'm only asking questions. Not judging or putting my own slant on how you might feel."

Then he offered some rare insight, that I was dying to chew into and dig apart for digestion... but decided to be gentle instead. I asked him if he was happy. He sighed and said, "No. I'm not. And I can't figure out why not. I have solitude, which is important for me, but when I get it, I find that I'm not happy."

I decided to take a more direct approach but keep it focused on me, to negate any feeling of an attack. I said, "You remember when I entered C by myself 2 years ago?" He said, "Yes. Why?" I answered, "Because when I entered it, I wanted her to tell me that I was unhappy because I was married to you. What I found out was that I was unhappy because of me. Since I was the problem, I had to be the one to fix myself. THAT was what I figured out."

He all but admitted to me that he pulls away from me when I get to close or he finds himself thinking about how he's screwed our lives up. He said it's too painful to deal with, so he distances himself... and also shared with me that his time in the cave after he chooses this option is very difficult, and that he goes through periods where he cannot sleep.

Wonder, if what Mr. W. told me is true, I can only imagine that it's true for many other WASs. Right now, I see the guilt as being the primary obstacle. For in my chats with Mr. W. he usually follows up his standard sentence, "I don't know if I could ever love you again" with ones that indicate the complete opposite: "I'm so unworthy and I don't know if you could ever love me again."

Crap, why didn't I think of this when we were talking? It's gonna have to come up.

Anyway, I just want you to have something to chew on. Because I have to agree with you 100%: his leaving isn't about running from you, sweetie. He's still running from himself.

Sign me,

Exhausted in Denver Betsey