Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

I appreciate your story Focuss - I'm just not sure how it relates to me?????? I know that anyone who has had to go through living with an addict is scared by and from it. However, I don't think I'm even close to that here - other than my own personal history with opioid addiction - now in remission for coming up on 9 years.

Anyhow, I wanted to get another update for those who have been enjoying following along. I've got a busy month going here and it's amazing how hard it is to get back into the swing of things after being "lazy" for many months LOL. Anyhow, I had a great time on my weekend trip. Texted a bit with Wild Girl on the way up there (5 hour drive) which was nice as it made it go faster. I was the 7th wheel with three couples. I did wish WG would have went along but I'm so used to being without a "date" on these things that it's more comfortable being the 3rd or 5th or 7th wheel than had she come with me. Didn't talk much on Sunday and then gave her a quick call late Sunday night as I was in my last hour of my drive home. She was not in a talkative mood and just told me so - which I just said okay, we'll talk later have a nice night. It didn't bother me and I appreciated the honesty.

Of course then first thing Monday morning I get a wake up text - knew I would LOL. At this point she's still trying to play it that she's not coming with her family to the state fair. I was pretty sure, she just wanted to surprise me but I also admit (to you guys) I'd have been disappointed if she didn't and would wonder why. Well, she actually beat me there so that was a surprise as I walked in for sound check a full hour prior to our first set and she was there with her parents. So it was a nice sorta "surprise," and I thanked her for coming. After our performance WG and I went off to explore the fair while her parents went off someplace else. We met up with other friends of hers - who all seemed to know of me. Hmmmmm interesting. Her parents are in their early 70s and still in very good shape - both look much younger - but by about 6 PM they were looking to go so I told her I'm happy to take her home. Remember she lives a little over an hour from me. She really didn't want me to have to do that but I certainly didn't mind so that's what we made plans for. We were both so glad that we did as we had a really great time doing all sorts of things. The group of her friends had to go to the grandstand show so for the last 4 hours it was just her and I. We finally left by about 11 PM, getting back to her house by a little after midnight. She offered to sleep on the couch and have me take her bed as her girls were home - even though both were asleep on different floors of the house. Still I just elected to go back home. I didn't want to put her out, she had work early Tuesday anyhow and I didn't want the girls to feel awkward with me being there so that's what we did and it was an easy decision on my part.

So she met some of my friends while many others saw us together. She also posted a bunch of photos on social media. I made the comment that I guess she is now on the radar. Oddly, it's still not bothering me. Everything was very natural and fun - and no, she didn't drink all that much - at least for 12 hours at a state fair.

But now for some insight. I really have not been "over-thinking" this at all - in fact, not even thinking much about it. All of my actions have been natural or even like as if guided on auto-pilot. I'm just going with it. So Saturday night I had a discussion with the keyboard player about a bunch of things as he and I were at the bar having a few drinks while others were out gambling at the casino we were staying and performing at. I've known him since I was 15 and he was 17 (we are now 55 and 57) We talked about Wild Girl - including the cruise date thing. He was giving me crap about how Relationship avoidant I am. I told him that she's just as much or more that way than I am. "I think she's just saying that for your benefit so you don't doing running for the hills" was his response. Hmmmmm, is he correct? For someone trying to be so casual and saying we are doing nothing more than "hanging out", her friends and family all know of me, we talk everyday, she acted like a girlfriend at the fair, met my friends, posted pictures of us. OMG, is he right? So as WG and I were talking on Tuesday night, which included how much fun she had, I brought this comment up - and she didn't have any defense for it nor try to deny it. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Am I being played like an instrument here? I don't mean that in a bad way but as I get to know her more... For example, I made the criticism of how her education is below that of others I've dated. However, her street smarts and people sense is beyond mine - and I'm a great judge of people. Of those she met, her initial impression of them was dead on as she would say "She seems like, blah, blah, blah" and dang if she is not 100% correct. She is so outgoing, warm and friendly that she made a great first impression on my friends. So my thought is, has she picked up on me and she really is just telling me what I want to hear? I think it's a good chance she has - but I still don't feel the need to distance or run. Perhaps that's because we are still only seeing each other every couple of weeks. It's also because I'm not feeling any anxiety or "bad" feelings inside. It's not like I've set out with others to distance, it just sort of happens when I feel pressured or cornered. I wonder if this relates back to me ExW???

So I've decided I will have the cruise discussion the following weekend after we both return from our trips. I'll see one of the main promoters right before so the timing is right. I again feel it as if I'm guided on auto-pilot. Until now I thought it was too soon but I know enough about her to know she will not embarrass me. She will get along great with my friends, she is very understanding and easy going about the fact that I'm working. In fact, even as we start to get to 3 months, we've still not had a disagreement or gotten into an argument with her. She's extremely honest about everything and I know that I get more upset when I'm lied to than about whatever the truth is. That might be part of why. There have been times I was turned off or put off by her but we've not like argued and certainly not had a "fight" about anything. She totally does not sweat the small stuff and has talked often about how upsetting she finds it when her friends btch and complain about their spouse or BF. She's very independent and will not take disrespect but is as sarcastic as I am and really doesn't let the small stuff get to her.

I thought for sure by now I'd be getting sick of her yet I find myself looking forward to the next time I'll see her. She even said something similar the other night - something like, "I'll bet you didn't think you'd still be hanging out with me this long." This time I could not disagree. I'm most fascinated by how all of this just came about. I didn't try to do this or that and certainly did not over-think it - at least I don't think I did. I just lived. I was just me and as I've said, acted as if almost on auto-pilot. Of course, since my last R was over 5 years ago... I guess it could be said that it's about time I date someone more than 5 times. LOL

Two in town gigs this weekend then I leave for Michigan next week Wednesday. If anything noteworthy happens I'll let you all know. Otherwise I'm just trying to keep my story going along here. Huh, I can say without any doubt that telling this story is much, much more fun than the story I was telling about 13 years ago after the bomb had been dropped on me! LOL