Hi Sun! Waiting for the right time is so very important, IMO. And you will know when it arrives. That's kind of where I am with the letter. I realized that the time isn't right this minute.

Quote:

Maybe I'm feeling a bit cynical due to the recent developments in my sitch, but... with OW being the major influence in H's life right now, I can't see a friendship that would be any deeper than superficial on your H's part at this time ... or perhaps in time he may try to build on based on nostalgia. Not unless things fall apart with OW will there be a chance at a real friendship. So the question becomes, are you willing to leave the door open if it comes about?



Well, KAW, you hit it just about right there. When I sat down to write my letter, that's the line of thought I kept ending up with. Reminds me of the part in DR where Michele talks about "if the OP is there, you're not" statement. I'm feeling pretty much there.

He was initiating and reciprocating with friend-type behaviors for a good while too... and they often were naturally drifting into more R type behaviors (positive ones!) on both our parts.

Hmmm. Kryptonite??

I suspect that the only way he can push ahead with his D plans is to pretend I am no longer on the planet. Otherwise he will have to deal with the feelings, and that's a pattern with him... avoiding the feelings.

Seems to me if that's the case, that alone would speak volumes. I know if I felt like that about any choices, my gut would sure be saying something was wrong with my plan.

Here's a guy who has told me many times how much he misses me, and esp. "misses his best friend". Also that he knows our marriage was "probably repairable". Who tells me how wonderful I am, how much he cares about me, respects me (still waiting on the actions that back those last two up, by the way), etc. Wants me to not disappear. Yet somehow being with someone he describes that way makes him really unhappy.

Very difficult to deal with someone in that nothing-I-can-do frame of mind. Esp. when you've given them every single thing they have asked you for (and more). If they aren't committed or are afraid of being committed or feel repairs require too much from them or feel unworthy or whatever they feel, we can't control that, of course. But I don't think I can take it anymore.

We can only make ourselves the kind of people they would be crazy to leave... I feel I've done hard work on that, so now I am just being that person with a full life, working on me and "moving on" as H likes to say.

Is the door going to be open later? Well, I'm not sure-- as you say, in some ways the ball is in his court, not mine (really got to stop mixing my metaphors-- apparently my court has a door on it).

That's a chance he seems willing to take.

So... let him take it. I'm going to take a few risks too... (soon as I figure out which ones!!) And I will let him do what he's going to do and not worry about it right now.

wonder