Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

[SteveLW]

I don't know how to get more space without moving out.

Last night was a total sh!tshow.

I had mentioned I was going to test drive that car. The friend that I made who H knows about who's also going through hell... I told him I was going to do this. He asks if he can come along to get his mind off things and he actually knows something about cars. I say sure.

Less than 10 minutes later, H is insisting that he wants to come do the test drive with me. The dealership is right next to my work, and H is almost an hour away from me. It makes no sense.

He must be reading my texts.

I switch over to another messaging app that my friend is on and tell him I'll be using that to talk to him. He doesn't seem to mind. He encourages me to call H back and take him up on the test drive. Says it's a good sign that he wants to do something significant with me. I agree.

So I text H and ask if he wants to go. Now he doesn't want to, and instead starts blowing up my phone about our "agreement" concerning me having designated nights to be with the kids and him having designated nights in order for me to be able to try doing private practice and simulate "real separation" telling me he's not expecting me to come home until way past when the kids go to bed.

Uh, what? We only talked about the possibility of this. We never actually agreed to anything. I couldn't get him to actually sit down with me and talk out all the details and when exactly we would start this. I even told him the other day if I were to start taking on clients at night, I wouldn't do it until Labor Day to get my ducks in a row. He didn't even acknowledge that statement.

He accuses me of pulling some type of stunt, saying that we had made all these agreements that never actually happened. Saying I'm going to make this D horrible for everyone.

I just couldn't handle his crazy. I really couldn't. I told him I was not prepared to not see the kids tonight and I needed to nurse the baby and hadn't brought my pump with me bc I thought I'd be seeing him that night, so I'd be coming home after going to the dealership.

One of his best friends, who is also divorced, was on FB and I messaged her because he's been asking me to talk to her about how her kids have fared in the three years following her divorce. She told me that they've been talking a lot lately and she knows that he filed and that we're talking "next steps."

This just sent me over the edge. He's talking next steps. I'm not.

I proceeded to tell her his dark secret. That he's had a PA and an EA. She basically tells me I should leave him and that my kids will be fine.

I cry in my driveway for 30 minutes before I can pull myself together to go into my house.

We jointly put the kids to bed, and then I leave to go run an errand. I message my friend letting him know H declined going to drive the car and went off on a wild tangent. We agree to meet up for a beer at a local restaurant. We just drink our beer (well, wine for me), and commiserate about what hell our significant others are going through. We finish up around 10, and I still need to stop at Walmart for a few school supplies for D1. I message him while I'm in Walmart about something funny and then on my way home (about at 15 minute drive) H messages me through this same app and tells me things I've said to my friend and calls him my online boyfriend.

My blood runs cold. I don't know how he's able to do this. I've never used that app on any other device. It's not connected to any other account. I don't know how 1) he knows I'm using it and 2) he knows EXACTLY what I've said.

I get home and sit in my driveway for about 20 minutes trying to think of what to do. I cut the engine during this time and just stare at my phone. Clearly H is awake. Clearly he is upset. I don't know how to proceed.

Finally I turn my car back on and open the garage to pull in, and out walks H, out of the side yard door, middle finger up in the air and comes over to my driver side door.

H: F@cking cheating I see
Me: What are you talking about?
H: You were out drinking with a guy, having some type of f@ck session.
Me: I went and had a beer with a friend and we talked about our sad situations. And why do you care? You are trying to divorce me!
H: It's just good for the courts to see.

I don't really remember what happens after this. I just know we're up for at least another hour or two, and at one point I'm crying so hard I can't breathe. Eventually H takes me in his lap and holds me while I sob.

I look terrible. I look like someone has punched me in the face.

I've cried for at least 3 hours today. H is saying that he was just able to see everything I use my phone mic for "in the cloud." He's deleting out conversations on Hangouts. I just can't handle the lies and the deception. I don't know exactly what he's doing or how he's doing it, but the sheer fact that he tells me I'm crazy while he's pulling this is just maddening.

And then I tell my friend what happened last night and he says, "I'm sorry, it's probably best if we don't talk then. Good luck, but I can't get involved in this."

So now I've lost the person who was willing to listen to me and support me throughout the day with all this crazy and understood the crazy, but didn't judge me or H for it.

So I'm isolated again.

I don't know how to get away from him to get space and time and clarity without leaving my children vulnerable. And ruining myself financially. I just don't know what to do.

First, he is gaslighting you. Don't let him make you feel crazy. Look up gaslighting and how to deal with it.

He has installed spyware on your phone. There is no doubt about it. I would do a factory reset on your phone and then I would lock it with a new lock code that he doesn't know.