Discuss your expectations with your children. (Btw - These are expectations you should have).
At some point D12 or S14 will be involved in the planning and will realize “I need to discuss this with my Dad” or mom if it is her week. In this paticular situation it sounds like W was not involved only copied and then forwarded the email on to you. What if the other mother had sent it directly to you? It is almost the same. What you are looking for is the kids to ask you permission for them to go.
So, discuss you expectations with your children. Tell them what you would like and how you guys can accomplish it. Children really do try to live up to their parent’s view of what is expected of them. They really do! It is just that they don’t know what is expected of them. So let them know. Let them be part of the creating of the process for your home.
Don’t worry about your children being too young. They are living at different houses with different rules each week. They know what is going on. They can handle this.
An example for this would be D12 and her friends are talking about the sleep over. D12 would have asked friend to have her mom give you a call. Better yet D12 would have just ask you directly. I don’t know if your kids have phone yet, if they do texting is what they will probably use. So in your discussion of how to make this work don’t ask for a phone call you won’t get one, ask for a text - and tell them you will answer it quickly.
I do see that W is causing you frustration. Well actually you are causing your frustration by expecting W to follow the arrangement for making plans, that she previously agreed too. Remember she is irrational.
Boundaries are something you put in place due to disrespectful and other damaging behaviour. You cannot control your spouse but you can take yourself out of the line of fire. Boundaries also need to be enforced, so do not do it lightly. (When you got four teenagers you figure this out pretty quick)
It needs to spelled out clearly. Here is a boundary template.
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Setting: When you _____, I feel ______, I want __________ . Enforcing: if you ______ I will __________ .
e.g. When you cook your food and leave the dirty dishes in the sink, I feel like I'm living with a pig. I want you to clean up after yourself from now on and show some respect for my home. If you continue to behave like an animal I will move the dishes into your room so you will be more comfortable.
A boundary is USELESS unless you are prepared to ENFORCE it. You will be challenged and tested on every one of your boundaries. So make darned sure you can enforce them because if you don't you are wasting your breath and increasing the contempt she feels for you.
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Do you have any ideas for enforcement?
To me this looks like an opportunity to just figure out a different way to achieve your goal - to control your day.
If this is something worthy of a boundary to you, that is absolutely fine. It is your decision and I will support you.
Originally Posted by sjohns6
Anyways, I reply with "I guess if D wants to go. We kind of had plans to go to fencing Saturday morning and then I was going to take her to the back to school thing after. Please start running these things by me before mentioning them to the kids when its on my day." W then replies with "What’s wrong with mentioning the invite to the kids? I’m still giving you say over whether she can go or not and I forwarded you the email as soon as I got it. D probably already knew about it, she talks to that friend all the time."
Good job not getting into a argument of why. That just would not have gone anywhere useful.
I understand you are try to be polite, respectful, and take the high road - that is all good. Just be more direct.
“I guess if D wants to go.” Do not guess. Say what you mean. “If D wants to go, it’s ok with me.”
If you do not know what you want to say wait a bit. A lack of planning on W’s part does not make it an emergency on your part. Btw, I totally get that sometimes there are time constraints with kids things, and we cannot gather thoughts fully on those occasions.
The next sentence - if you are ok with D going you need not include that sentence, it is just provoking a reaction.
If you are not giving permission that would be your lead sentence (again direct). Maybe like “D and I have plans to go fencing Saturday morning and then to the school thing after. D will be unable to attend the sleepover.”
After saying all that the email stated.
Originally Posted by sjohns6
”X's mom would like to have the girls over for a sleepover. D will be with you, and she said she wants to go."
W is coming over to get the kids so sleepover is at least a week away. No big rush in answering W.
So my answer / advice,
Thank you for the information W, that sounds like a great idea. I will discuss it with D to see if we can fit it in to our plans. I will contact X’s mom to let her know.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
