Am I coming or going?

[DonH]

My top LL is physical touch (followed a close second by words of affirmation). However, I CANNOT sleep with someone cuddling me or me them - just cannot. I can touch a little here and there but I simply cannot get to sleep and stay asleep that way - never could, even when I was married.

I'm really, really huge on the kids thing - as Ginger already knows. Kids just don't have the choice in these matters and have already gone through the divorce of their parents. Then someone else gets in the picture, they get attached and if that person goes away it really writes on the slate of who they are in so many ways. That said, it certainly is really hard for kids not to have some sort of interaction with someone you are dating - especially if you want to wait the 6 to 12 months that many experts recommend. HOWEVER - that does not mean the kids can't ever "meet" someone you are dating. That would be nearly impossible. The thing is, meeting someone for a few minutes here and there is completely different than getting attached to someone. I don't think anyone sees much if any harm in kids spending a few minutes here and there incidentally with a dating partner. It's when the dating partner really gets into their lives - helps them with homework, teaches them how to throw a baseball or ride a bike, has someone do their hair or take them places or go on a vacation. It's this type of action that really puts the kids at risk for all sorts of guys or women coming in and out of their life. That is way, way different. If the kids woke up during the movie and were introduced to you - that in no way will harm them. It's when they start watching the moves with you, going to dinner as a "family" etc., and especially when the dating partner starts spending quality time with the kids that it gets to be a problem. And to be clear, I'm talking a lot here about younger kids as well - especially pre-teen and younger.

Yeah, it's yet another hurdle to work around when either or both have kids, but until you know that this person is more likely than not to be around for a long term, it's not worth the risk for the kids. After about 6 months you can start to get a good sense if he or she will be here for the longer term. If people even wait 6 months, many of those dated would never become an issue as it's done and over by then. Something that makes it 6 months and for certain a full year, is far less risky.

I think you are doing things really well so far this time Ginger. And I very much agree that you were giving up too much just to have someone to date with a few of these other guys. It's not worth it, as you are now seeing. You wanted to be accommodating and that's a good trait but not to the exclusion of all of your needs. I am so pleased for you to see how you are now looking back at some of these and seeing that. HC really was a big example of this. But you see it now.

I hope both you and band guy will be able to keep on the course you appear to be on. It's certainly not slow by most standards but it's also not over-the-top fast or all in like has been the case in the past. You've been single for a long time and I think you know what you are wanting and are ready for it. I do, however, worry a bit about band guy - but only because I don't know (or don't remember) his history.

How old is Band Guy?
How long has he been D'd?
How long ago since his last R ended?

I know you said he was in an LTR but that woman got cold feet or something and pulled back without a total closure. Hopefully she won't see how he's moving ahead with you and decide she made a terrible mistake and try to get him back. Of course that's a risk, but there is risk to any R.

I have a good feeling about this guy. Or at least a much better feeling than I have had about most of the others over the past two or three years. Yeah, I know, amazing hey? "I" have a good feeling about it all for you. It's passing the Don test - which either means you may have finally found a good guy (I mean, he is a musician after all) - or you are really in trouble with this one since Don is pretty bad at this R stuff and is just some goof on the Internet. LOL