Thanks FM. It seems that we all have a lot in common, which makes sense since it takes a certain type of person to want to stand for their marriage to the degree that they end up on a forum like this. Its good to be among friends!!
I need some help from you guys in setting a boundary. The kids have been with me most of the time since W moved out. The arrangement we came up with was 50/50, week on week off. They still have mostly been with me. The problem I am having (and please let me know if I'm making too big of a deal with this) is that most of the kid scheduling with playdates and such are typically done through moms. Moms like to contact other moms. So my wife gets contacted about scheduling the kids stuff. The problem I have is that she will get contacted about something taking place on one of my days. She may or may not have a back and forth with that mom, but she usually tells the kids about it, and then lets me know after the fact. So, she does tell me about it, but at the point she tells me I'm the last to know. I of course can say no, but at that point I am the bad guy saying no to the plans. This has not happened a bunch of times, but it has happened several times. Typically it isn't even something I would say no to, but these are my days and I want to be in control of the scheduling. I have mentioned it once in the past that I want her to tell me beforehand and I want to be asked, not told. She (at that time) said of course. Today a minor infraction of this request occurred and I want to make sure I handle my response correctly. I see this as a small infraction that I can use to firmly establish my boundary. Up to now I have, in my mind, taken the high road. I have not gotten angry and said things I regret...and I want to do that here too. I want to firmly establish my boundary while not engaging in a petty back and forth while still being respectful. So, that being said, here's how it went down.
W forwarded me an email from a parent with aback and forth discussing a sleepover. The back and forth was not with my wife but 2 other parents, W was just copied. W says "X's mom would like to have the girls over for a sleepover. D will be with you, and she said she wants to go." This tells me that W already talked to D about it. Not too big of a deal, but this is not the first time she has discussed plans with D regarding days she is with me. This particular weekend is actually a busy one for us and the sleepover plans actually slightly conflict with plans we already have, but only in a minor way. The friend in question is actually already spending the night at our house the following day, along with one of the other girls invited. W does not know this of course, but that's one of the reasons she shouldn't be discussing plans with D before talking to me. I don't want to be the bad guy that says no to plans that have been made already. Anyways, I reply with "I guess if D wants to go. We kind of had plans to go to fencing Saturday morning and then I was going to take her to the back to school thing after. Please start running these things by me before mentioning them to the kids when its on my day." W then replies with "What’s wrong with mentioning the invite to the kids? I’m still giving you say over whether she can go or not and I forwarded you the email as soon as I got it. D probably already knew about it, she talks to that friend all the time."
So, that reply frustrated me. She is still GIVING ME say? On what D does on my day? So, I don't want to get in to a back and forth over WHY. I would like to set a firm boundary without being disrespectful and without actually getting in to explaining my position...unless you think that is warranted. Today is already the day that she is coming to get the kids for her week so I am already a little emotionally charged. I realize this is not a HUGE deal, but it is a boundary that I would like to set and I don't want to overreact because I'm already not wanting the kids to leave for a week.
So, how can I reply and get my point across while still taking the high road? I have ideas of how I should reply, but I was hoping for some opinions from you guys. If I need a 2x4, please give it. Thank you, friends.
