Very right on, Wonder, as always. I, too, have had the thought that I would like to know WHO is giving your H advice these days. I think you're right that he is following someone's lead, whether it be OW, MIL, a counselor, a friend -- but it's wierd advice, heading him off in a direction I feel that he'll want to reverse at some point. It seems so clear to me that there can't be anyone in his life who is handling things with more grace, wisdom, honesty, and compassion than YOU. I'm not saying this just so support you, it is genuinely how I perceive the situation. So why is he putting up so many walls? It worries me for him. You, of course, will be fine. Not that it's not hard work, but because you are DOING the hard work.
I completely agree with you on the challenge of others wanting you to be mean or vindictive towards him. I think that overall, that has been one of the hardest things for me in my own sitch -- in real life, not here on the BB. I recognize that people are trying to be protective, and perhaps it is even a hard-wired response of some type to seeing pain in those we care about (like a mother lion reaction?). I mean, on some occasions it's good when I need to get some anger/distance/perspective on the situation, but I prefer to get that from people who do not see my H as a one-dimensional person, with that one dimension being an a-hole (scuse my French). If we didn't think they were worthy in at least some ways, why would we be DBing so hard? I have felt like a defense attorney at times for my H, "But your honor, my client is a good man who has taken a wrong turn --"
Am I making sense, or do I need more coffee this morning?
Basically I want to say that, while your H's actions perplex me, I have faith that both he and you are good people, and I support you in frustration -- but agree that he should not be condemned, and that that is not helpful.
