Yet Another LBS w/ WAW

[hongaku]

Thanks for the encouragement, folks. I do very much appreciate it. I'm still stuck in a low place and none of the things that have been previously effective are helping at all (meditation, walking/running, strength training, etc.).

My W is not making it easy for me to spend time w/my boys. Last night I texted her that we still need to discuss equal time for visitation. She has basically ignored the fact that it's what needs to happen and what I'm legally entitled to. She texted me back "I am still thinking about it", to which I replied "It’s not negotiable other than the schedule." I don't know if this was me being assertive or being an a-hole (my NGS makes it hard to tell the difference sometimes), but I do know that I don't get to spend nearly enough time w/the kids.

She is acting like she's entitled to have complete control over them and I get what time she "gives" me. I know that because she is a child of divorce at a very young age and grew up with only her mother, older brother (who is gay, which is totally cool, but also means he wasn't exactly a strong male influence), and a revolving cast of alcoholic and abusive boyfriends that her mother brought home, that she has a very distorted view of the importance of a stable father in the lives of children - and particularly the importance for male children. And obviously the importance of marriage and how it can really take a lot of work to get through problems was also not modeled well for her.

Knowing all this doesn't change a thing though. My sitch is still what it is and my world is still completely upside down. I still don't have a job yet and that has been a killer at many levels, from my own self-respect and need for income to being able to start getting some degree of respect back from my W. It's one of the 2 primary issues that have my W wanting to do this and I can self-improve, treat my depression and sort out my NGS until the cows come home, but it will only address half of the problem. And then, even if I DB like crazy, become the best me I can be and get a good job, it still might not make any d@mn difference at all.

I feel like I'm about to completely lose it. I'm trying to keep it together and find my way back to some kind of positive outlook, but I just don't know how at the moment. I guess I just have to ride this storm out and hope it passes soon.